Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Around a third (42%) of parenting is pretending you understand your child’s homework

*points to person jogging outside through the snow*

“Look kids, a lunatic”

Seems like it would be really tough being a girl named Molly at a rave.

Sensei: you have learned much, my child

Nonsensei: flamingos are extremely inconsiderate

I don’t trust people with glasses, they could be superman

INTERVIEWER: this says u work well with otters. Did u mean others?
ME (shoving a romp of otters back into my briefcase): haha yeah of course

What my teens said: There’s nothing to eat

What my teens meant: WE ATE ALL THE FOOD!

I don’t understand. I cleaned my bathroom 7 months ago. Why is it dirty again.

Don’t tell me about Stockholm Syndrome, I woke up at 6 AM on my first day of vacation wondering how things were going at work.

Standing outside your window holding an economy-size bottle of ibuprofen above my head.

I wanted to be Batman when I was a kid. So I kept leading my parents into dark alleys in the bad part of town.

Editor’s note: sorry about ‘snowboard’ typo, should be ‘snowboarder’ found dead

I’m so broke right now, I’m gonna have to be renamed, “McDonald’s ice cream machine”.

Telling someone they can’t be sad because others have it worse is like telling someone they can’t be happy because others have it better.

Today is the first day of the rest of your life and you’ve already screwed it up.

Whenever I have a panic attack, I put a brown paper bag over my mouth…and drink all the vodka inside.

It seems to help

Does a sunset actually happen if someone doesn’t take a picture of it and post it on Instagram?

Who are you to tell me what to do? You’re not my bank account.

You know, sometimes bad things happen to exactly the right people.

I’m fairly confident I could live in a desert, I’ve gone years without drinking water.

18-22 is a confusing age. I got friends getting married, some in prison, and some still have to ask their parents to stay out past curfew.

All I’m saying is the second guy to bungee jump was honest about his weight.

me: *gritting my teeth* they will pay for this. you’ll see. they will ALL pay for this

waitress: okaaay… so separate checks then?

Roses are red, violets are fine, I’ll be the 6 if you’ll be the 9.

Nighttime is not for sleeping. It is for eating all the chocolate chips out of trail mix while thinking of every possible outcome for a situation you can’t control.

Starting to think that adult supervision is a myth. In fact, my eyes seem to be getting worse.

Contractor: Here’s your estimate for replacement windows.

Me [looking at estimate]: how much to just board them all up

men only want one thing: a large italian wife that chases them around with a big wooden spoon when they sneak a meatball before dinner

“Why don’t you want to have kids?”

*motions hysterically in every direction*

*wakes up in hospital*
What happened?
“It was a heart attack”
Will I be ok?
*a big heart outside slowly taps on window with a bat*
“No”