Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Him: I wanna be the man you fell in love with all those years ago.

Me: You wanna be Ryan Reynolds?

I have 2 speeds- the slow southern girl sashay and the is that the ice cream truck outside?

Life is what happens when you’re busy choosing a filter for what already happened in life.

Me: *kisses toddler* goodnight

Toddler: goodnight

Me: *shuts bedroom door*

Toddler: *behind me* hi

Me: how did you…

*At store buying school supplies*
Son: I need hashtag 2 pencils

[on the phone]

me: i let the cat out of the bag

sis: what??

me: …too early at the vet and she hid under the desk

sis: oh phew

me: then i spilled the beans

sis: what?!

me: …all over the floor at dinner

sis: omg ok

me: also i told mum you’re pregnant okiloveyoubye

someone mentioned that the divorce rate is around 50% which is terrifying, cause the idea that I still have a 50% chance of being stuck with the same person forever scares the shit out of me

Me [sobbing uncontrollably]: why did you say that?

My favorite meteorologist: I honestly thought it would be a nice da—

Me: I WORE SHORTS BECAUSE OF YOU!!!

Death metal fans are complaining abt all the noise. Irony.

Since Twitter, I’ve learned to watch TV with my ears

– Twitter Closing inactive accounts
– Google Closing Inactive accounts
– Internet Archive & Wayback Machine Under Attack
– Nintendo going after Emulators
I’m starting to see a pattern. Now would be the time to back up ANYTHING you have not secured locally.

Me: What’s the opposite of squaring a number?

My teen: Circling?

Ask a stupid math question

me: u know how we want clothes on our roof but can’t reach

wife: we have never discuss-

me: *loading t-shirt canon* stand back

I’m not the life of the party I am the weird basement noises of the party

Me: *Unveils tray of brownies*

Neighbor: I said to bring a salad

Me: Salad is a colloquialism for brownies in my home

Neighbor: I don’t know that word

Me: It means ‘house’

Tough guy in pub: oh yeah? Well how ’bout we take this outside?

Me (knowing that it’s a cloudless night just perfect for stargazing): well that sounds utterly divine.

Realizing I’m at the age that ppl say “he started at age ___ and still became a success”

I bet when spiders see those fake green cob webs on Halloween they must be like “Ugh, tourists”.

I keep two glasses on my bedside table at night: a glass of water and an empty one, because sometimes, when I wake up, I’m not thirsty.

2020: My work here is done. Nothing will ever top my masterpiece.

2021: Hold my Mountain Dew.

New mom looking at a photo of their newborn: Isn’t my baby the most beautiful creature ever to exist?!

Same mom looking at same photo a decade later: Why didn’t anyone tell me my baby looked like gollum?!

>looking for a crisp fall day
>ask mother nature if it’s a hot 60° or a cool 60°
>she laughs and says “it’s a good 60°”
>throw on cozy fall outfit
>it’s a hot 60°

bro: she stressing u out g??

me:

“that’s not actually your good side” look wal mart photographer I don’t have the energy for you to do me like this today

yeah baby i am an animal in bed. more specifically a koala. i can sleep for 22 hours a day

[immigration hall]

Agent: are you traveling for business or pleasure?

Me, after flying 8 hours for revenge: both

I sent my wife a copy of a menu from a really fancy restaurant ahead of time….
….she’ll be so surprised when we pull up at this Applebee’s.

*brings ramen noodles to your cookout*

What if Fox News is just an 18 year long infomercial for teeth whitener?