Fellow senior citizens:
If a young person replies “dead” to your joke, they liked it.
You don’t need to push your lifealert button.
You Might Also Like
dentist: u need to floss
me: no
dentist: my other patient who wouldn’t floss lost all his teeth
me: really
dentist: in a fistfight
me: that sounds unrelated
dentist: it was my fist. do what i say
Me: no, Larry, you need to make more friends. Now let’s see how this new sweater vest looks
Larry (a garden gnome):
Me: oh my god you’re so handsome
Honey, you know the part in The 6th Sense when she drops his wedding ring & you realize he’s been dead the whole time? Well I want a divorce
This made me smile to an unreasonable degree 😂
He who fights with lobsters must take care not to become a lobster. For when you gaze long into the bisque, the bisque also gazes into you.
“This syrup tastes funny…”
-Me, drunk, putting soy sauce on my pancakes
Movie Law:
All computer hackers have to say “We’re in” when they get into “the system”
“you attract what you fear” ahhhhh a healthy relationship ahhhhh
*watching James Blunt mouth “not you” to me after singing You’re Beautiful in concert*
me: as soon as I get home from work, I’m going to clean the entire house, get my workout in, and do some work on creative projects
my bed: [chuckles darkly]
reporter: an asteroid is predicted to hit earth this week
me: *vacuums a little faster*
The best way to infuriate a mom is to open a second box of something when there’s still a box of the same thing already open.
Drunk octopus wants to fight. He will rip your coat off your back.
Me: You can’t fire me, I quit!
Boss: You can’t quit, I fired you!
Me: You can’t quit me, I’m fire!
Boss:…
*our eyes lock and we kiss*
Yes ma’am, I understand you’re taking “pitchures” so I’m sorry for accidentally walking in front of you in this very public place.
Bruce Lee: be like water.
Me: wasted every day?
My Girlfriend says I have a tendency to get ahead of myself.
Well she’s not my girlfriend yet….
cinderella had an entire animal army and a magic grandma, and all she did with that was go to party to meet a man. in the history of misses wow that’s the biggest one
“Man did I just waste $7?”
-Vampire in the carnival Hall of Mirrors.
wish me luck lads
I got an online ancestry test done, then fourteen of my relatives were arrested.
I wish I had the same faith in myself as people who leave me voicemails do
was fired from my court stenographer job when the defendant was sentenced to 15-20 years and I remarked: “aww, big stretch!”
Forget secret ingredients. Competitive baking show contestants should each have a toddler they have to care for while they cook.
My wife and I asked my son who he loves most. He pointed all around. I said he had to choose, then he told us he was pointing at the wifi.
Name an organ more dramatic than the uterus
Like, she doesn’t get a baby and she throws an absolute fit. Tearing everything down and throwing it out in the lawn so now it’s everyone’s problem 🙄
Being my friend is a walk in the park, but the park is on fire and sometimes the squirrels eat your cookies
[first day as a waiter]
customer: excuse me, there’s a fly in my soup??
me: so sorry about that! *drops a spider in the soup* that should take care of it
Jurassic Park III on AMC. 10 min. in, 2 young scientists studying dinosaur fossils. FOSSILS. Hey, ‘member how THERE ARE ALIVE DINOSAURS NOW?
“I detest drama!” I declare with a flourish of my cape, and the back of my hand over my forehead.