Felony Insurance, like car insurance but for when you hate someone so much you just have to throw a cinder block through their windshield.
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Sorry I replied “yikes” to your selfie.
I couldn’t take Breaking Bad seriously bc Walter White looked like Ned Flanders.
“You couldn’t handle me at my worst”
OMG, you mean this isn’t it.
And that’s how the fight started.
puting flowers in my hair to accentuate my dirt like quality
Been getting into gardening lately and I think it’s going well!
Start of the article: but what if only three people read it
End of the article: at least only three people will read it
You can lead a horse to water but it’s pretty crowded there because of all the men you taught to fish in that other proverb.
Just heard my husband in the kitchen telling our cat “You’re not hungry, you’re bored. Drink some water.”
How many times should you try starting your snowblower before you realize it’s not going to start? According to my neighbor it’s 458 times.
Me: *takes off my clothes*
Masseuse Instructor: No. The client removes their clothes…not you.
Who called it a Viking burial at sea and not a gravey boat?
Mornin
Calling them ‘orcas who capsize boats’ is fine, but I just feel calling them Keeler Whales would be so much better
my 5 year old is in a book club with his grandma, aunt, and uncle, and they’re all reading stuart little. they meet on sundays. they call themselves the Bookaloes (Book buffaloes?) it’s the best thing
Women I sleep with get so weird when I ask them to sign the guestbook.
I’m a staunch supporter of something, I’m not sure what that is, yet. I just wanted to be staunch today.
Turns out that the best way to find a flat head screw driver is to pretend to look for a phillips one.
What doesn’t kill you isn’t earning the money I paid.
I thought I liked salads…turns out, I like croutons and ranch dressing.
the CDC reading all the CDC tweets tomorrow
FYI: hey my wife came home in a terrible mood and I figured I’d read her one of my tweets to cheer her up, turns out that’s a bad idea guys
*impatiently waits for Google Maps to update so I can see what a neighbour is building in his backyard*
Hubby got all smug when our son asked him for girl advice so I confirmed that if he wants to bag a girl like me then daddy’s the man for the job and shut that shit down
Officer- I’m giving you a ticket for your speed
Me- That’s heroin
Officer-…
Me- Want some?
Officer-…
Me- Oooh, shiny handcuffs
Look, all I know is none of this shit was going on when Mtv still played music videos.
Here’s how I get my teen to text me back: I threaten to text his friends to tell him to text me back.
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Wile E Coyote: I can’t get rid of this headache
*TNT explodes*
*anvil drops on his head*
*bus flattens him*
Dr: it’s probably stress-related
[waiter pours me another drink]
Me: I’ve never known anyone to be so late on a first date
Waiter: yes, 4 days is a bit much
I could never be a hostage taker, too many phone calls