Felony Insurance, like car insurance but for when you hate someone so much you just have to throw a cinder block through their windshield.
You Might Also Like
The other day my son asked me who picks up the seeing eye dog’s poop.
“Your optimism for the future makes me think you’re not paying attention.”
My mum: It’s a baby shower. Just write “congratulations”.
Technically, iPhone chargers are apple juice.
Plot Twist
Nigerian Prince won the Powerball jackpot and he’s emailing everyone now.
[bedroom]
Me: I’ve been bad, I need to be punished
Her: *turns tv volume to an odd number*
Me: no please I forgot the safe word
awesome that january is over but rude that our reward for getting through january is… february
got my gf a manicure for our anniversary
Trapped beneath the feet of a bearded giant…
Cut off from the world.
Stephen King & Pixar present:
“A BUG’S LIFE 3: UNDER THE GNOME”
When sewing, always remember pattern placement is key.
me: I’d like to withdraw 100K
banker: from which account
me: like whoever has the most
Eating at restaurant with Mom after her doc appointment when phone rings
Me: *phone rings* Hello? Okay. I’m not at my laptop so I can’t answer you but don’t worry—I’m eating an ice cream sundae about it right now.
My tween, who wanted money, told me I don’t look a day over 41. I’m 40.
*Don’t Walk sign flashes*
Me: [from my wheelchair]: “Okay.”
me: anything interesting happen today?
my 8yo: I finally got a booger out of my nose that’s been there since I was 5.
casino dealer: ok all bets on the table
cat: [pushes bets off the table]
dealer: stop that are you in or out
cat: YES
I’m gonna keep wearing a mask after this pandemic is over. I can’t go back to worrying about how my breath smells like Doritos and garlic and coffee.
“Some men go months without being hugged.” Ok then they should hug each other.
If you haven’t manipulated your kids into calling grandma to ask to sleep over, you’re missing out on a crucial parenting hack.
If you love something set it free then immediately tackle it by the legs.
Grammar. The difference between feeling your nuts, and feeling you’re nuts.
I never knew how long it took a human to fall asleep until I had kids. In case you’re wondering it’s 2 hours, 3 cups of water, & 18 books.
[eulogy] “Before we get started I’d like to ask Jenny, Dawn, Rachel, the deceased’s 2 sons and the entire front row to put down your phones”
*walks in*
Nope!
*does a 360° and walks in further*
Ah that’s why I failed geometry
Find a penny, pick it up. All day long you’ll wtf, that thing is filthy. Wash your hands immediately.
Her: Good morning!
Me: So we are starting off the day with a lie?
I hate it when I have to go pee at someone else’s house but there’s no toilet paper, so I’m forced to use the hand towel hanging so festively above the sink.
Questions my toddler asked me this week:
– Which is better, a tree or yogurt?
– Do frogs know that they are frogs?
– Why do they still make regular blueberries when the chocolate ones are better?
– Were you ever alive?How about your kid?
My computer is frozen. Unfortunately it looks like moving my mouse around in circles did absolutely nothing to fix the problem.
me: can I get one for the lady at the end of the bar
balloon animal guy: ok