Felony Insurance, like car insurance but for when you hate someone so much you just have to throw a cinder block through their windshield.
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Orange: Knock knock
Apple: Who’s there?
O: Orange
A: Orange who?
O: Orange you glad I didn’t say Banana?
A: Yes! That guy is the WORST!
I hate it when you accidentally pick off a bit of dead skin on your lip and you can’t stop until you’ve peeled your entire face off.
Customer care: Your call is important to us, please hold on.
Customer: *completes graduation* *gets a job* *gets married* *gets old* *dies*
Yes, Firefox. I will abort the script but only to save the life of the web page.
“Donatello choose ur weapon”
“I’ll take a stick”
“Really not a sword? Nunchu..”
“A STICK”
“Ha I guess u wanna wear purple too?”
“…”
“Ugh”
Cause of death: Trying to draw eyebrows on the neighbor’s cat.
An air mattress is the best way to tell your houseguests not to stay too long.
My mom has more confidence in the people of Oak Island finding the treasure than me finding another husband
Chickens are proof that God loves us by creating a tasty bird that can barely fly.
sitcoms would be a lot more believable if they had 5 loads of laundry waiting to be folded on the sofa
My superhero origin story began when I was bitten by a radioactive sofa.
when I’m sound asleep Sunday morning and someone rings the doorbell
7yo: You know if you didn’t have kids you could turn my room into a tea room.
So now we know her plans after I die.
ME: how much for the Oompa Loompas?
HER: what? they’re not for sale!
ME: this is preposterous
HER: no, this is a daycare
Her: Are you a dog person or a cat person?
Me: …
H: …
M: …
H: Why are you hesitating?
M: I’m not sure which answer will get me laid.
One of Jesus’ most impressive accomplishments was being 33 years old and still having 12 really close friends.
Every fancy restaurant now is just named after two ingredients you’d never eat together. It’s always like “Basil and Butterscotch” or “Honey and Clam.”
It’s unfair to call me lactose intolerant when you consider what I’m willing to go through for lactose.
[restaurant]
Me: I’m gonna run into their kitchen and grab some extra cheese
Her: … you definitely don’t have permission
Me: It’s actually pronounced parmesan
Me: The salon had just closed when I got there, so…
Him: Don’t do this.
Me: I didn’t make the cut.
Him: Ugh, I’m married to a dad.
absolutely crushed dolphin wordle
All I’m saying is waking up at night because you have to pee in a dream is better than actually peeing in the dream…
[at the gym]
ME: Hey, can you spot me?
GUY: Sure, which machine?
ME: *gestures to vending machine* Right over there
Replying to all emails with “ya think?”.
“I’m so tired of that little piece of cheese.”
-My gramma, talking about SpongeBob
unilever exec: look truthfully we don’t care if u put the q-tip in ur ear just stop when u encounter resistance
me: [already pushing it out the other side]
Trevor eventually flunked out of dentistry school
[egg hatches and a duck billed platypus pops out]
Mummy duck:…
Daddy duck: WHAT THE ACTUAL FU
Otter: Clive, now, calm down, lemme explain.
I was served a subpoena. I distinctly remember ordering a cheeseburger.
[enters elevator]
Me: *audible toot*
Them:
Me: I am not here to make friends.