Felony Insurance, like car insurance but for when you hate someone so much you just have to throw a cinder block through their windshield.
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Taurus: You have a big life choice to make so watch endless YouTube videos instead of thinking about it.
*Removes ‘Loves to bake’ from online dating profile
Oh really, your baby’s “strong for his age.” Bring him to the dojo
HR: Please remember to log into the portal and update your goals!
Me: Ok. My only goal is to continue getting a paycheck.
If someone shrunk their kids today they’d be cancelled, straight up
“Kids are disgusting”, I say as I blow my nose in a hanky that hasn’t been washed in 42 years.
Happy mothers day to all the moms out there.
Then I said, “hi hungry, I’m dad!:
Other dads:
The Macarena began playing through the dental office speakers as I lied helpless with the hygienist’s hands in my mouth today. #survivor
My fortune cookie just says Hahahaha. Is that good?
Me: Liquor then beer, hit a deer
Cop: Please get out of the vehicle
My wife and I are sitting on the couch watching tv and I hear a text, realizing I left my phone in the kitchen, I get up, go to the kitchen to check it…
and its a text from my wife:
Please bring the chips on your way back
I was watching a murder show set in Idaho and realized I had never been to Idaho and it looked so gorgeous so I said I would like to visit Idaho.
Husband, “You are by far the weirdest woman I have ever met.”
I accidentally stepped on my cat’s tail the other day. You could cut the levels of tension, hurt and mistrust with a knife. I feared for my life. Feline retaliation was nigh. That night she threw up on my bed. Balance was once again achieved.
Donald Duck is far too angry for somebody who never has to suffer pants.
It’s always good to tell people to “stay safe” during a distaster just in case they didn’t know.
How dare you look down on me, judging me with your judgy eyes and your judgy attitude and…
Attorney: my client means, “not guilty”
Most common statement made to me at the class reunion, “I heard you were dead.”
I don’t understand all the fuss about ChatGPT – I have teenagers who already know everything
I jammed the laundry room door and now I can’t get in there and WHY DIDN’T I THINK OF DOING THIS SOONER?!
Your restraining order says NO
But your lazy eye says…….maybe later.
Wife: Our dog was put down and then my husband died, it was tough
Medium *nodding* he was the love of your life
Wife: Yes of course!
Medium: He has something to say to you
Wife: omg go on
Medium: woof
Just found a best-by date of Oct 1623 on some apple juice so we probably oughta not drink that
“I deleted that tweet because I’ve really grown as a writer in the past 7 minutes and it’s just not up to my current standards”
Walking around Houston airport taking iPads from unattended kids. I have 4 so far.
ask your insurance company if you’re healthy enough to see a doctor
“How hard up for cash do you have to be to wear a chicken suit & wave at cars,” I think, adjusting the beak protruding from my forehead
Tonight our 4 year old ate his dinner in a record time of 4 hours 27 minutes
Hot Pockets- Now with 5 cheese!
Me- *adding both nacho and spray cheese* Amateurs