Felony is a beautiful name for a girl
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Sometimes I type a ‘C’ when I meant to type an ‘A’. And now I have to apologize to my ‘Aunt’
Them: Describe the joys of parenthood in 2 words.
Me: The what?
*new parents*
Him: I’ve been sleeping with someone else.
Her: YOU’VE BEEN SLEEPING!!
I made some soup yesterday entirely from ingredients extracted from the atmosphere…
It was a broth of fresh air!🤭😁
My superpower is to wake up more tired than I was when I fell asleep.
It’s like joking about bombs in the TSA security line. Is it protected speech? Yes. Is it a crime? No. Are you going to have a bad day? Yes.
My nutritionist told me wine doesn’t count as a fruit source so now I need to find a different nutritionist.
Just did that little side to side “oops we keep choosing the same direction and getting in each other’s way aren’t we silly!” dance with someone and she ended up saying “oh just move out the way! Idiot”
That’s not in the rules!
I feel like things started going downhill when phones stopped being born with umbilical cords.
A lot of people hate when I speak Spanish around them, I don’t blame them because most times I’m talking about them.
If Die Hard is a Christmas movie, then a sleeveless vest is perfectly suitable attire for dinner with your mother, Sharon.
Me: I’ve always wanted to stare at someone from across the street then disappear when a bus passes
Interviewer: I meant more like “professional goals”
Dear commercial pitching me how much my funeral will cost,
It’s not going to cost ME anything.
It is with a heavy heart that I announce I will no longer be accepting mayonnaise as a form of payment because SOME of you *glares at the crowd* made it weird.
my therapist asked me what i wanted to talk about for that session and i blurted out a human with robotic limbs is cool but a robot with human limbs would be absolutely terrifying
If Dean is Dean then why is Sean Shawn?
I clean my car less for me and more for any potential valet encounters
I’m that much of an introvert, I think plenty of people think I’m dead already. So I’ll just turn up to Halloween parties as myself tonight and scare the shit out of everyone.
Are you guys ready for tomorrow??? It’s gonna be a HUGE day. I hope you’re prepared. I love taco Tuesdays. Gonna eat so many.
you’re either snacking with me or snacking against me
To add insult to injury illiterate is hard to spell.
Expiration date? More like spoiler alert.
[cuts open a gender reveal cake and several black cats pop out]
Oh hell yes we’re having a witch!
*calling 911 for the fifth time*
{breathing heavy & whispering} okay, the spider has just reached the ceiling
I hate when people talk down to me like I don’t already know I’m an idiot.
If you’re going to get a puppy to practice raising kids, you need to get like 50 of them.
It’s cute that kids think they’re safer with the light on, when actually it makes you more vulnerable and easier to spot.
Don’t listen to your heart. It’s just a pump receiving commands from the brain. Don’t listen to your brain, either. If it had any good ideas, you wouldn’t be here now.
“All you have left is your king and one knight,” sneers my grandmaster chess opponent. Suddenly a little hatch opens in my knight and thousands of tiny Greek soldiers swarm out.
Principal: about your son…
Dad: our son?
Mom: is he ok??
Principal: yes, yes. but you see, we’ve found that your son is cool. very cool. far too cool to have parents like you. [hits the intercom] Betty, please bring them in.
[Betty enters with cooler parents]