Felony Vandalism is a beautiful name for a girl.
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I had no intention of viewing your webinar until you used “and more” as a bullet point in your email and seduced me with the allure of intrigue and mystery
When someone has a baby, I’m just like, OK, clearly you were desperate to have someone to hang out with
My signature move is to tell men that I can’t hear them because I have my headphones in when I quite visibly don’t have headphones in.
My dad is a legend at hide and seek. One time I needed mom’s help to find him. He was hiding at a motel with a strange lady.
I have two years left on my looks. Four if I work out.
So 2 years.
I forgot the word milk so I called it calcium juice.
old folks get really mad when you’ve never seen their favorite movies like sorry gramps i dont get the hype for topped gun or casa de blanca
do I regret it, Carol? Hell, I don’t even remember gretting it the first time!
Heard my mom tell my dad to “stop tossing her salad” at the dinner table and now I can’t look at either one of them without laughing…
An elderly poodle just passed me on this run so my post-apocalypse survival rate is very low.
I can already feel that the day is going to seize me instead of the other way around
[breakup]
Who should get the cat?
“I don’t know…let’s see who he loves the most”
{3 weeks later}
Can you tell?
“Nope”
Why does the minion look better in a thong than me? and other random thoughts
*trains 1 million soldier ants*
*gets carried to work*
when swimming in the ocean always wear a hat so you don’t get sharks in your hair
Mom pro tip: If you’re old enough to critique what I put in your lunch, you’re old enough to make it yourself.
I’m 25, which means I’m just as far from 10 as I am from 40.
Although, in terms of money and maturity, I’m still way closer to 10.
Cop: where ya headed?
“the gym”
Cop: im gonna save you a lot of embarrassment and arrest you
“thank you so much, officer”
Kind of jealous of how a horse can strap a meal to its face.
“I’d hit that!” -Helpful blackjack dealer
Jesus, take the wheel.
Carlos, you take the stereo & I’ll take lookout.
Recipe comment: I didn’t use any of the spices and replaced chicken stock with some liquid I squeezed from an old pillow I found on the highway. 0 stars tastes like shit
Email I meant to send – “I will touch base with you next week” vs the email I sent – “I will touch you next week”
HR reminds us to proof read before sending
Her: ‘We should have another kid.’
Me: *puts on Teletubbies marathon*
‘Say that again in 6 hours.’
What I said: Brush your teeth.
What my 4yo heard: Use the toothbrush to clean the bathroom floor.
*gets down on one knee*
Me making new accounts to get the free first month subscription:
Me: [watching news]
Child: Why do you watch the news?
Me:
Child:
Me:
Child: I asked-
Me: I’M THINKING
Those who believe in only 12.5% of the bible are eighthiests.
Teen horror movies taught me one thing. Vampires really want to hang around with us.