Felony Vandalism is a beautiful name for a girl.
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I’m giving up spellcheck for Lant
Knuckle Tattoo Idea:
* L I V I N G T O O C L O S E T O N U C L E A R W A S T E H A S D I S F I G U R E D M Y B O D Y K I L L M E *
what all these pyramids be scheming about?
Bring an urn speed dating.
Whenever a prospective match asks a question, whisper to urn, “I don’t know, Mom: should I tell him?”
“Mom! I made you a character in my video game!”
Me: “Cool! What am I doing?”
“You’re angry. I made it just like real life.”
I have three 11yr olds doing karaoke in my living room right now.
I don’t want to hear about your problems.
Interviewer: “Why do you want to be a librarian?”
Me: “I like telling people to be quiet.”
HR gave me some amazing advice for dealing with stress. It really works. To release anger, just write letters to the people you hate then burn them. Not sure what you do with the letters though.
If dogs named famous people, we would have:
-Bark Wahlberg
-Bark Zuckerberg
-Bark Hammill
-Bark Obama
-Charles Barkley would still be Charles Barkley
I’m so stoned…….. It took me three tries to turn out the bathroom light.
Turns out the toilet flush handle does not control the lights.
Wife: You’re so predictable
Me: Yeah? I bet u didn’t see this coming
*I go to throw water on her but shes already wearing a poncho*
Me: Damn
the last thing a carrot sees
I like my women like I like my eggshells: white and broken.
[death row]
Guard: Any last words?
Me: [smugly] photosynthesis.
Guard: …
Me: it sounded longer in my head.
Beauty is in the Eye of the:
A) Holder
B) Holder
C) Holder
D) Holder
Art teacher: Take your seats, the model is ready
Me: *Disrobes and strikes a pose*
Model: Who the hell are you
*Show and tell day*
Me: You know what to do?
Daughter: Wait until I’m asked, then yell “it’s loose, cover your mouths!”
Me: *hands her an unoccupied terrarium* That’s my girl
Asking people “is it a chapter book?” When they tell me what they’re reading
You want me to pay attention to the details? The thing the devil is in?
My boss: you seem distracted today…
Me: sure, I’ll get that for you asap.
“Hi”
My name is
“What?”
My name is
“Who?”
My name is [chka chka] Slim Shady
*scribbles on cup* “Ok Mr Shrimp Scabies, I’ll start your latte”
I didn’t realize that “sow your wild oats” is a metaphor, so I pretty much spent my early twenties farming.
Border Security Idea: Make the door to Mexico too small for sombreros.
I learned a few things in Twitter Jail last night.
1. My wife’s name
2. How to make a shank from a phone charger
3. I need Twitter
*friend you haven’t spoken to in years posts photos of their marriage*
wow thanks for the invite beth did our 6 weeks of drivers ed together mean nothing to u
Why did God make Trolls World Tour so hard to say?
i hate when i’m 20 minutes into my run on the treadmill and i look down and the timer says 43 seconds
My dandruff is so bad, I leaned over the fish tank. They thought it was feeding time.