Felony Vandalism is a beautiful name for a girl.
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Him: You’re pretty obnoxious. You know that?
Me: I’m sorry. All I heard was pretty.
Cop: i told you this land is off limits
Me: oh i thought you said it was all flimits
Cop: wtf are flimits
Me: idk let’s go look
Cop: ok
After I saw that my wife “Checked In” to the mall I called to report her credit cards stolen.
Not to brag but I already took down the Easter Tree
If you are in the market for a new fridge just know that my 4yo makes more ice pretending to be Elsa than my four year old Samsung refrigerator.
(Job interview)
“How would you describe yourself?”
I’m very vague
“Ok, can you be more specific?”
No
Serious question. How does my local grocery store keep figuring out my favorite brand or flavor of a product so they can stop carrying it?
ACCOUNTANT: you have a lot of outstanding debt
ME: thanks i worked really hard on it
Last night my mother-in-law read me all her political retweets.
How was your night?
I’m not saying I’ve gained weight, I’m just saying I don’t think my belt buckle should be facing the ground…
This recipe takes only 30 minutes.
3.5hrs after preparing all the ingredients, it did indeed take 30 minutes.
When I was a kid I wanted to join this gang. They all had these crazy symbol tattoos on their midsections.
Ok, I wanted to be a Care Bear.
me in the kitchen: how do i crack an egg
me watching great british bake off: what kind of an idiot forgets to poke steam holes in their banquet pie
My husband left me this morning. Again.
he’ll be back after work, but still. I’m getting really sick of these games.
son: can I ask you a random question?
me: brother, what do you think we’ve been doing the last seven years?
Women on twitter tell me my beard is hot
Women in real life tell me where I can find food and shelter .
2022 appliances: *break within 2 years*
1970s refrigerator: i will outlive u and everyone u love. i am eternal. i am time itself
The doorbell rang this morning, and it took a few seconds to realize what that sound was.
As a dad to two toddlers the majority of my diet is various berries I find on the ground. I’m basically a deer.
[Friday Night]
WIFE: Have fun at poker
ME {stopping at door}: What did you say?
W: Have fun
ME: After that
W: Uh…at poker-
ME: IT’S POKÉMON
A bee is willing to end it’s own life just to cause you a tiny amount of pain. I can relate to that level of pettiness.
DATE: *sighs* You said you were a professional body builder.
ME: I am! I make prosthetics. Ha ha! And funny jokes! Wait where are you going?
Occam’s razor: the simplest answer is most often correct
Occam’s toothbrush: show off
It’s just really offensive because you know my name isn’t THAT difficult to pronounce and its SO DISRESPECTFUL and I am OUTRA…
friend: your name badge is on upside down
Me: Remind me of your name again?
Ben: It’s Ben
Me: one week since you looked at me…
Tire shop owner: Do you know how we could attract more customers?
Employee: [shrugs ] A Big Blowout sale?
Owner: …you’re fired.
Got complimented on my ebike by a guy in Minute Man Oil truck; he said he’s gonna get one so yeah, you could say I’m making headway with Big Oil.
all of the other names pharrell tried to become known by are so bad it’s almost impressive
Good guy in movie shot 3 times: I must save my family
Me, kinda sore from trampoline sesh: sorry gramma can’t make it to your 85th bday
I believe the main difference is that one will see you later and the other will see you in awhile. I could be wrong, I’m not a zoologist.