Felt a sharp pain in my chest & thought “oh shit, I’m having a heart attack,” but it just turned out to be my wife stabbing me.
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Don’t have a house cat drive you to the post office. I know that now.
Her: WHAT ARE YOU DOING?!
Me: *puts naked Barbie away.
‘It’s not VooDoo if that’s what you think!
Her:Freak!
Me:Did you feel–anything?
Doctor: “You are gonna hear the pitter-patter of tiny feet.”
Kim: “I’m pregnant?!”
Doc: “No-”
*a tiny monkey walks in*
“This is my nurse.”
Him: If they ask you any questions, just play stupid. You know nothing….
Me: Oh, I think I can handle that.
Operator: what’s your emergency
Me: my fridge fell on me
Operator: is anything broken
Me: some eggs maybe
Me: *doing a cute TikTok dance with my grandma*
Headline reads: ‘Two Old Ladies Do TikTok Dance’
I’m starting to think aliens are avoiding us.
Son: Daddy are we poor?
Me: *scraping his macaroni art into stove pan* Did your mother tell you that?
[arrives in heaven]
how’d you die?
me: i was sitting in a beanbag chair and my house caught on fire
If it’s unimportant, I’ll remember it.
What if earth is just God’s Tamagotchi that he forgot about?
My toddler just sneezed into the fridge, so I have to cancel all of our plans for the next two weeks because my family will be taking turns having the plague.
A giant rabbit died on a United flight. One man is suspected of foul play. We tried to reach him for comment but he’s being vewy vewy quiet.
I still can’t believe Jesus was born on Christmas Day I mean what are the odds
[wearing a ‘World’s Greatest Dad’ t-shirt while talking to the bartender]
“The younger one is about 8 and the older one is older than 8.”
Travis Kelce is living the dream of every unknown comedian rn. Having hordes of people share your old tweets and being like, “this guy is hilarious”
Him: You’re married?
Me: Well, it’s Thursday. So, yeah.
Him: What about on Friday?
Me: Depends how Thursday goes.
Dance like you haven’t fallen off that pole twice already.
My husband gets so mad when I introduce him as my first husband.
when i get married im gonna send invitations to my enemies that have minus ones on them so they’ll know about the wedding but won’t be allowed to go
[blind date]
HER: I love sports!
ME: Uh…me too
HER: Have you ever played tennis on grass
ME: No, but I once went bowling on crystal meth
[behind a customer in line at a coffee shop who is taking forever to decide what to order]
me: hey.them: yeah?
me: try the coffee.
Gary Numan is 13 days older than Gary Oldman. I don’t even know what to believe any more
My wife and I can’t agree on appropriate gardening attire. But she’s digging in her heels.
Is this anything
I eat oatmeal in the morning to help my cholesterol. I eat cheese for the rest of the day because I ate oatmeal in the morning.
I, too, enjoy McDonald’s sausage biscuits. We will dialogue further, you and I.
“Damn girl are you?” -Existentialist pick-up line
She believed she could so she did and now I have a meeting with her teacher and the principal.
why everytime i get in the shower i hear someone raiding my house