Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

By age 35 you should have at least two thirds of your hard drive space taken up by recursively nested copies of the hard drives from all your previous computers

Imagine a hunter in a deer stand but instead of a gun he has a long stick he pokes the deer with and they look around like “ok who did that”

I grew up in the 70s. If there was a bowl of fruit on the kitchen table it was made out of plastic and lead paint

Ordered a book about trees from my library. It’s on root.

I now have so many pet peeves that I’ve had to hire someone to walk them during the day.

just told my cat that she and I invented cats sitting on laps. she has no way of knowing otherwise, and it’s nice for her to get a win, but… I worry. she believed me instantly—where is the critical thinking? and honestly I’m not happy with how easily the lie came out my mouth

So we’re doing The Trolley Problem but the most important thing is to save the trolley

Seems legit

officer: witnesses say the baby was tossed out of the restaurant like a football

detective: for crying out loud!

officer: most likely yes

Weirdest thing about elephants is how their trunks are so flexible. You can tie like 12 of them together into a single knot. Don’t ask how I know but I need a ride home from the zoo like now if anyone is free.

Kids: Yay! Summer break!

Me: Not so fast. Let me introduce you to…THE GREAT SUMMER CHORE CHART OF 2017!

*3 kids faint, 1 runs away*

I see dead people.

Well technically they’re stupid people, but give me a few minutes.

*wife walks in*
*sees cheese balls everywhere*
*shakes head*

“what? 8 won’t get better at catching food in his mouth if we don’t practice”

Always the kidnapper, never the kidnapped

Romance is:
Making her a sandwich and cutting it in half using your miter saw for the perfect angle.

The lady on the news said that alcohol sales are down significantly in Alberta.
I’ve been sober for 57 days.

So technically, I was on the news tonight.

I keep a notepad next to my bed so if I wake up with a great idea, I can write it down. Last night, I scribbled “fruit roll-ups,” and I’m not sure what it means, but I think I’m on to something brilliant.

I was halfway to the state line before I realized the sirens were part of the song that was playing…

Her: I want you to wreck my guts
Me: *undercooks her chicken*

Date: You seem close to your mom

Me: I am

Mom: It is a small table for 3

if you guys saw this outside of a bar, would you come in? please be honest

My seven year old reported to me today that the tooth fairy wasn’t paying him a fair wage compared to his peers and claimed that all his friends earn a liveable wage from tooth loss

Don’t crossbreed an owl with a duck,
The offspring is naught but a schmuck,
You might start overjoyed,
But you’ll soon be annoyed,
By all the incessant wise quacks.

My wife has the flu and asked for help around the house so I bought her a Roomba

Anybody here really good at Wheel of Fortune? I need help figuring out a drunk dm.

Me: So, you come here often?
Him: …..we’re in my house.

Boss: Staff meeting at 3:00.

Me: I can’t come, I’m allergic.

Boss: But we’re not serving food.

Me: … yeah now I really can’t come.

daughter: can i keep the night light on?

me: and provide the monsters with a beacon to your location? use your head, sweetie