Felt bad about hitting a car yesterday but I remembered to leave a note. Didn’t have a pen so I used my key.
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Wife: I’ve blisters on my hands from the broom.
Me: Take the car next time!
My dog used to get into her kennel when I put my coat on and I’m not saying that her standards have dropped since the start of this pandemic but she just went into her kennel when I put on pants
Really successful people don’t sleep much. I don’t know why I don’t sleep much.
[Bob Dylan giving singing lessons]
I’d like you to sing it again, but this time plug your nose and put these 5 marbles in your mouth.
*Christmas with The Schrödingers
Dr. Erwin Schrödinger: [shaking a wrapped box, excited] Is it a new cat?
*His family smiles nervously at each other
what if wolves are onto something? maybe we’ll be happier if we scream at the moon every night
My 4-year-old just monologued at me for 25 minutes, paused, and then said “Can I tell you something?”
A werewolf is chasing you. You’re on a Segway. The werewolf is too. Both batteries are dying, and the chase gets slower and slower.
[at my intervention]
mom: some of us feel uncomfortable with your pinned tweet
[whispering to paramedic before I pass out] save me but not enough that I have to go to work tomorrow
Yea, music today sucks. But don’t forget that at one point we all listened to some idiot ask who let the dogs out for 4 minutes.
Years ago, my mate had his car broken into. Luckily they didn’t steal it and also didn’t take any of his CD’s. He has appalling taste in music and we told everyone they left him some CD’s out of pity..
Woman love a men with good grammar
Make there knees week by writing them a love letter or too.
*forgets why I walked into a room*
*remembers lyrics to a song I heard once 20 years ago*
“Post Malone” is British for “mail my mortgage payment.”
Me: I think I saw a murder.
Policeman: Are you positive?
Me: I assume people act with the best intentions and I believe a better future is ours to make.
Policeman: About the murder.
Me: Not really. No.
Moms, teach your sons to mind their manners, cook a decent meal & look for inner beauty.
Dads, teach your daughters how to throw a punch.
When people say they’re speechless, I always hope they mean it but they never stop talking
[first day birdwatching]
is that a penguin? *moments later* is that a penguin?
the concept of sister cities was developed so that towns could borrow each other’s dresses
I’ve watched this 17,467 times
If you’re not carrying around matchbooks from places you’ve been recently I don’t know why you don’t want your murder to be solved
Of course it’s you and not me. I’m freaking amazing.
At McDonalds
Cashier: You total is to tell your kids that you love them
Me: Look lady if I loved them I wouldn’t be feeding them this crap
*stomps feet twice and claps over and over until everyone at the funeral is doing it* “we will…we will..miss you”
I was raised by a single mother who worked 60 hours a week. Today I was too lazy to eat a mango.
I love having a bowl for my keys by the door, it’s really helpful to have one less place to look for them
My dads mate was on a train and the guy opposite him was taking up all the room, being obnoxiously noisy, spreading his paper across the entire table, so after trying to speak to him twice, my dads mate SET FIRE TO THE NEWSPAPER.
I’m wildly unpopular in dessert circles for my hot hollandaise ice cream sundaes.
My brain considers names irrelevant information.
Every time I meet someone new and they introduce themselves, my brain just goes “nope, that name goes in the bin”