Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

writer: ok so a guy and girl named jack and jill

editor: ugh 2 lame white kid names. fine, go on

writer: well, they go up a hill

editor: i’m already bored

writer: to fetch a pail of water

editor: kill me

writer: no trust me it gets better

Her: Dude, back off. You’re totally scaring away all the hot guys checking me out at the gym.

Me: You do realize I’m your boyfriend right?

Remember, parents: your children look to you for guidance. Kids are dumb like that.

Inmate: here’s the rule: find the biggest, baddest dude in the yard and…
Me: (sigh) don’t fall in love…

my brain: knows jfc stands for Jesus Fricking Christ

also my brain: John F. Cennedy

ALSO my brain: Jentucky Fried Chicken

wife *sees chair* [thinking] That would look great with the new rug in the living room
me *sees chair* [thinking] Chair

Apparently I pack an apple in my 5 year old’s lunch so it can get out of the house for a few hours.

6: Dad, let’s make a deal. Let me be in charge of everything, and I’ll let you have 10 coffees a day, also you can have…

Me: Sold!

I don’t know about a butterfly affecting weather in China, but I do know that the violent draft of wind from my eyelids opening seems to wake both babies every morning

I’m going to give guided tours of my house, pointing out all the things I tried to fix.

“We’re not lost!” Dad would insist, despite Mom’s complaints that “This isn’t on the map” and “We shouldn’t be seeing the ocean from Tulsa.”

“Let me make this very clear…”

– Me before a 38 mins convoluted rant

Saw a truck with, “Hot Bob Express” written on the windshield. Im now concerned what Bob is delivering to people

[on an airplane]

Me: Is the pilot any good?

Flight attendant: One of the best

Me: [winks] How about the rest of the season?

superman: can i borrow 500 bucks?

batman:

superman:

batman:

superman: [sighs] can i batborrow 500 batbucks?

batman: yep

Heroic fire saves man from having horrible house

GF: “I’m telling you now! Size does not matter, it doesn’t make you any less important.”

BF: “Yeah? Well explain that to Pluto.”

They also CAN sing✌️

She who has black counters shalt not purchase black cell phones

Ok I just need to think like a 39-year-old

-my 6yo, trying to find the Halloween candy I hid

Me: [has trouble opening up to people and making real, lasting connections my entire life]

My Kid: [makes 3 new friends and joins a gang on his first day of 4th grade]

In banana years, I am bread.

Every so often, I try to fornicate a large word into conversation, even if I’m not sure what it means.

The difference between kids and prison is that in prison they let you read.

Me: I’m terrified and jealous of your violent happiness.

Friend That Knows How To Tap Dance: I understand.

Scientists: The impending climate crisis will be the darkest most frightening episode in human history.

Me, who loves Netflix documentaries: Damn that’s gonna be good.

[shopping]

[wife being a real pain]

Me: *hands her the broom we just bought* You want me to carry this? Or do you want to drive it home?

Sean’s gf: I feel seen

Sean: for the last time, stop pronouncing it like that

Hey m&m’s, I’ll be the judge if this bag is shareable or not.

The fact that he hasn’t texted back in a week, only tells me he is madly in love with me.