felt cute might bury dad later idk
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The Backseat Boys
My friend got a peloton. Now she’s posting with words I don’t understand and people are responding with similar words and it’s like when everybody watched game of thrones and I didn’t.
It’s the 13th anniversary of “Umbrella”. What a good excuse for…
I’m baking and got molasses on my hand. This is it. I’ll be stuck to something for good in 5 mins. This is how I will die.
Yoda: Clouded, your future is.
Anakin: Are you smoking pot again?
Yoda: Six cheeseburgers, I want.
don’t be scared
Honestly son, that nightlight just makes it easier for the monsters to find you.
Coffee: YOU CAN DO IT!!!!!
Me: I don’t wanna
I listen to Ed Sheeran in the same way I stuff an entire cupcake in my mouth over the sink hoping no one will see.
“I finally caught up with my son.”
“That’s good. Progress. How did it go?”
“Badly. I cut off his hand THEN told him.”– Vader & therapist
My grandma tries to avoid her neighbor who has a crush on her. This is the exchange they just had:
Him: have you eaten dinner yet
Her: I don’t eat
I saved a ton money on a security system by hanging a picture of my paycheck on the front door.
It’s about time you stopped being a bystander and became a passerby.
Internal me: Gurrrrl, you are being crazy. Reign it in.
Actual me: So I just need to say one thing…
“I got kicked out of a golf tournament for heckling a player with a funny name.”
“Boo Weekley?”
“No. I yelled. Loudly.”
Me: *interviewing a potential coworker*: why did you leave your previous job?
Him: I was fired
Me: what for?
Him: I knocked my boss out
Me: How fast can you join?
The older I get, the more I understand why Squidward is always so annoyed.
I’m a really great friend – provided you don’t have any other friends to compare me with and never listen to my advice.
After clipping my toddler’s fingernails for over 2 years, I think I could diffuse a bomb while riding a roller coaster.
Nice try Friday the 13th. But this is 2020.
“Do you ever get the feeling Mitch is an undercover cop?”
[MITCH enters]
MITCH: Hey guys! *speaking into shirt collar* I brought the drugs
Mobster: we need to set up a shell company
Lobster: let me handle this, boss
Gordon Ramsey: AND WHAT IS THE SECRET SAUCE ON YOUR STEAK?!
Me *nervously hiding the ketchup packet*: It’s tomato wine, chef
MOM: Any plans tonight?
ME: Me and the guys heading out to find us some ladees *shoots finger guns
HER: So Pokemon Go with Gary?
M: Yessss
For your final meal request to eat the electric chair and then the warden will be like well now what do we do he ate our electric chair
[guy about to invent magic 8-ball]
*kicking a ball* i could really use some vague advice
how high up are we talkin’?
The letter C should make a “ch” sound. S and K got the rest covered. Waste of prime alphabet real estate and does nothing original without help from my man H.
Sandwich: Hi. Barman: Sorry, we dont serve food in here.
Who needs horror films when there are true crime docs on Tinder dating