felt cute might bury dad later idk
You Might Also Like
Me flirting at a party
me: so what’s your major
her: radiology
me: oh cool AM or FM?
I can’t take my dog to the park as all the ducks keep trying to bite him, but that’s my fault for getting one that’s pure bread.
Relationship status: Lucy holding the football for Charlie Brown to kick. She’s Lucy. I’m the football.
“When I was your age, I already owned a house”
Imagine if food was sports
No time to talk I have bacon tryouts today.
*warming hands near fire* In my day, we were tough. It would take you so long to get undressed after coming indoors that it was time to go out again. People lost hours, days. Some died mid-layer.
Best “black friday” deals come when your neighbors leave their windows unlocked.
Me: that’s BS
6: boring stuff?
Me, knowing I’ll probably regret it, but it will be funny: …yes
Marriage is your wife:
– Saying you are “the smartest person she knows”
– But not trusting you to buy the right items at the store to make a salad
*raises the last pack of toilet paper to the sky like Simba*
First person to use a pillow: this is way better than leaves
First person to lay on a pillow: ok I smell shit
Her: Let’s each pick one person we can sleep with and the other person can’t get mad. Mine is Ryan Gosling. Who’s yours?
Me: The babysitter
Congrats to my tween for graduating at the top of his class from eye roll university.
If anyone is stuck for a gift for me I’m a size 8 nights in Bora Bora
I’m not climbing a hill if I’m dying. That sounds terrible. I’ll die on this chair. Drinking orange Fanta.
Nobody is as conflicted as a Jewish zombie about to eat Kevin Bacon.
(watching The Exorcist) She gets to miss so much school
I’m fat, so when I get mad, I get massive aggressive.
Waiter: All our wines are hand selected.
Me: As opposed to what?
“that’s not actually your good side” look wal mart photographer I don’t have the energy for you to do me like this today
Sorry, can’t talk right now. Too busy thinking about how the only part of my reflection I can lick is my tongue.
What I know about light:
-Cannot be eaten
-Unless…
-Maybe can be eaten?
-I definitely made an eating motion
-But I am not full?
-Try again?
-I bit my tongue
-Can hurt your tongue
You people who pull back the shower curtain checking for psycopathic murderers … if you find one, what’s your plan?
Time traveller: I’m from the future
Me: prove it
*he pulls out next weeks newspaper*
Me: nice try, they’ve already invented newspapers
My brother in law sent us adorable Valentines from our 14 month old niece who we have never met (They live in Canada)
Her litlte red handprints are the card are so sweet…except it also kinda looks like she bathed in the blood of her enemies and then sent us a warning
I’m like the mafia to my son.
He only contacts me when he wants money or protection.
my wife preps for bed with a routine of reading, aromatherapy & no screen time
i prep for bed by only sleeping 3 hours the night before
looking for a job in america is kinda wild
Mom, you really should have taken the time to fix your hair this morning.
-my son, asking to be taken out of the will
Would I like wedges? No thank you, I shall stick with fries. Not a huge fan of starch that takes 30 minutes to cool down enough to eat while simltaniously becoming totally inedible, but thank you for offering me your salty paper weights.