felt cute might bury dad later idk
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Mediocrites was not the greatest hero from Greek mythology, but nor was he the worst
“you’re the first girl i’ve brought here”
the bartender:
(first day as a bartender)
customer: fifth of scotch.
me: cool. i’m half Puerto Rican.
Me: do you think he called himself T.S. Eliot so nobody would notice that T. Eliot is toilet backwards?
Librarian: stop talking
God saw you put ketchup on your steak and He is NOT happy.
hi, grandma? can u come pick me up from my rap battle? it’s over. no, i lost. he saw u drop me off & did a pretty devastating rhyme about it
Person: Did you see Top Gun with Tom Cruise?
Me: He was busy that day. I saw it with somebody else.
Frenchmen, still hiding inside The Statue of Liberty: soon.
How to get ready for things :
1. Procrastinate for 5 hours
2. Panic 10 min before leaving
Therapist: We must remove our masks and express our true selves
Yoga instructor: True
Nutritionist: So wise
Raccoon: This is bullshit, Alan
your emcee name is DJ + the last thing you spent money on, DJ Kitty Litter IN THA HOUUUUSE
If you don’t open your mouth while putting on mascara, you die.
Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about. Attack while they’re distracted.
If it walks like a duck and talks like a duck, you’re drunk.
Ducks don’t talk…
I have a particular set of skills, skills that allow me to open beer cans so no one in the house knows I’m drinking.
Been fired from my job in the sewer. Twenty years down the drain.
The U.S. has more prisons than degree-granting colleges. How absurd. To fix that, we should merge some prisons and split up some colleges.
me: how much is the funny smelling spray
clerk: perfume?
me: no the whole bottle
The bright side of getting attacked by a Cyclops is only having to use half the pepper spray.
“The Perfect Relationship”
Pretty woman, the kind that don’t eat meat
Pretty woman, the kind that likes to hug trees
Ohoh what can I do? She’s making me eat vegan food
People are posting throwback photos to their first days of school, and I’m like “I was a third child. My parents only have about 10 photos from my entire childhood, maybe 11 tops.”
I know it’s been discussed before but the shift of the McAllister family from a Pepsi to Coca-Cola household in Home Alone 1 to 2 is truly jarring. A family with no brand loyalty is not to be trusted.
me: what’s the fish that kills you if it’s prepared wrong
waiter: fugu, but tonight’s chef is very good
me: ok then *closes menu* I’ll come back tomorrow
My astrological sign is KFC gravy
I like to put on a clay mask and lurk around in the background while my daughter FaceTimes her friends.
Cake is better than sex because cavities are better than babies
God: Let’s give them the ability to feel remorse.
Satan: I like that. Say, from 2:00 – 4:00 AM?