“felt cute might delete later lolz”
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Protip: Eclipse glasses are not cheap but if you wait until tomorrow you can get a really good deal on them.
someone described my girlfriend’s skin as “sun-kissed” recently and now the sun’s about to catch these hands
My son scared his sister while she was brushing her teeth
She turned around screaming and spit out the contents of her mouth all over his face
He started screaming in horror bc his mouth was open.
3 walked in and started screaming bc he wanted to join in
How was your morning?
How do I tell my family I think it’s best if we start seeing other families.
Wife:
I’m
*pause*
leaving
*pause*
you.Me: Is it because I’m always on this trampoline?
Indie bands are always like “we recorded this album at an abandoned spaghetti factory in Providence, Rhode Island.” Why? Why’d you do that? There are recording studios with couches and electricity
I feel like anyone who comments on anything is insane.
Delta Airlines Execs: oh COME on!!
Corona Beer Execs: FINALLY!!
Obama: “I have no more campaigns to run…because I won both of them”
Biden like 2 years later: LOL OH I GET IT. HES BEEN PRESIDENT FOR TW
Trader Joe’s was destined for greatness…
Unlike his twin brother Sloppy Joe who was destined to work in a cafeteria for minimum wage.
[after sex]
guy: wow that was great i had you screaming the entire time
me: sorry im afraid of the dark
Hip-hop is 50 years old. It wants you to stay off it’s lawn. And stop playing that music so loud.
There are only 2 things Donald Trump fears: 1) The world discovers he’s been lying about being a billionaire, and 2) a strong wind.
I’m flying to my 30th high school reunion and I think I forgot to turn my stove off and also to be successful
The biggest lie in advertising is someone taking a bite of a hard shell taco & it not immediately exploding in their hands.
Dental hygienist: Whew! You’re all done with your cleaning. That took a bit longer than I expected.
Me: *maintains eye contact while biting into Oreo* Thanks.
Never play board games with someone whose bumper sticker says “Failure is not an option.”
Incredible news from Britain. This changes everything
Just said something embarrassing at a party. Prob should leave but I live here
[building on fire]
ME: If we die here I just want you to know I’ve always liked you Gary
CO-WORKER: I guess now is a good time to tell you I ate your lunch out of the fridge on Thursday
ME: I knew it [stands up] STOP THE SIMULATION
Last night my mom made dinner, serving up a nice plate of “You had so much potential” with a steaming side of “You shoulda married Jeff.”
Yelp review: This forest is so full of trees you can’t see a damn thing. Also, bugs. 0/10
*A burlap bag is pulled off your head, a bright spotlight is causing you to blink*
WHERE DOES THE ARCHIVED MICROSOFT OUTLOOK EMAIL GO.
Me: I’m worried my cold is making me deaf
Doctor: What are the symptoms?
Me: They’re a yellow cartoon family
SOLDIER DYING IN MY ARMS: tell everyone of my bravery
[me 3 months later]
I think he had a brewery
Laziness is nothing more than the habit of resting before you get tired.
Guys, please stop wearing Nasa shirts, I bet you can’t even name one of their songs
8-year-old: *puts on new shoes* I’m faster now because they’re red.
Me: Your old shoes were red, too.
8: These are redder.
Doctor’s office: We need to reschedule your June 10 physical, next available is July 20th.
Me: Sorry, I will be out of town
Office: (irritated) Well, are there any days you ARE available?
Me: I’m free June 10.
“I’m just gonna pull on weird animal parts until something comes out that I can drink”
-guy who discovered milk