“felt cute might delete later lolz”
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I know this is the kind of thing everyone avoids talking about, but I’m going to say it.
I think I’m smarter than most, if not all, babies.
Me: I’m exhausted, going to sleep so good tonight
My brain at 3 AM: when Dora loses her map what does she use to find it?
Conference calls are fun because no one knows I’m really home with massive diarrhea.
Boss: For the third time, PLEASE put us on mute.
ROBBER: is this all the cash?
CASHIER: yes but would you like to donate $1 to charity
ROBBER [tears welling up inside his ski mask]: ok
Technology is moving so fast. My toaster just sprinted across the kitchen.
My 6-year-old walked into the room and said, “Don’t worry, Dad. I’m OK.”
Time to search the house for whatever she destroyed.
Respond to every “How was your weekend?” today by staring off into the distance & whispering “So much blood…”
My wife made me pack my own bag for vacation and now I have to figure out how to wear potato chips.
if you’re in first class on a flight sometimes they upgrade you to captain
Waiter: hi I’m Dave and I’ll be taking care of you
Me: I’ve been hurt before, dave
She was rare…
… like pants ordered online during lockdown, that actually fit.
Jesus: This is where I realized how heavy you are. This is where I tripped. And this is where I tried doing the macarena and dropped you.
An 80’s style montage of me and a dog learning to use chopsticks, and the dog progressing marginally faster
[on a first date]
“Have [gestures across the whole menu] whatever you want. I hear the McRib is particularly excellent this time of year.”
the ultimate problem with the coyote’s approach is that he gives up on each method after a single failed attempt. some of the greatest achievements take many, many tries to succeed. the acme company makes fine, reliable products. the coyote must learn the virtue of persistence
“How do you speak such good English?” “I dunno 200 years of colonialism and eurocentric education, how do you know so little history?”
Stomach: Every time you eat, we get sick.
Brain: Hmm. I know what would make us feel better.
Stomach: No-
Brain: TAQUITOS!
Me: Yay TAQUITOS!
i dont like how monkeys have taken ownership of the whole banana thing. i bet i like bananas almost as much as they do
Officer – Do you know how fast you were going?
*Looks up from phone*
No idea
Had to pause Willy Wonka & The Chocolate Factory to go buy a king sized Snickers. This is why i can not watch Breaking Bad.
Date: Your eyes look beautiful in the moon’s light.
Me: Awww.
Date: *leans in for a kiss*
Me: The moon doesn’t make light, stupid.
[at stadium with child]
Me: That is batball.
[at the races]
Me: That is horse circles.
[at the opera]
Me: This is horned yodeling.
(drops a Cheetoh on the ground)
ants: seize him
I can tell the way my kids inherited my sarcasm by the way I want to punch them in the face every time they use it.
road expansion addicts be like “just one more lane bro i promise traffic will be fixed, just one more i can stop whenever”
I can’t stop thinking about this shirt
The baby just put her head on my chest and fell asleep…that means that I need to lose some weight because I shouldn’t be fat enough to be this comfortable
Remember when everyone died before gluten-free bread?
“Oh, Monster TRUCK rally. Haha of course…”
*Frankenstein slowly backs out of the room, hiding a 24 pack of condoms behind his back*