“felt cute might delete later lolz”
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Darth Vader: “Listen Luke, this is a new arrangement for both of us. Let’s not force things. Just let me know if you need a hand.”
I sold the armchair I had in my room and now I have nowhere to put my clean laundry and stare at it for 8 days??
This generation has discovered the selfie stick. My generation discovered AIDS. Don’t know what’s worse.
inventor of the leaf blower: what if we just yelled at leaves until they moved?
Probably good whoever named this one didn’t get to name any other planets.
My doctor said the claw marks on my face are not from a poltergeist but I should stop trying to put roller skates on cats.
Hear me out..
A swear jar, but you take a piece of paper out and have to yell what’s written on it
[alarm clock goes off]
ok it’s happening again
it’s a day and it’s here again
*googling*
day again why
how to unsubscribe days
It took me a good two minutes of trying to figure out why I put the freezer food in the cupboard, before I remembered that I have kids who wanted to help put the groceries away
My savings account has been empty for so long that a Spirit Halloween just opened up inside it
I draw tombstones in sand at the beach beside couples who draw hearts and shit.
We don’t need people like that in this world.
I’ve been told I look like a young Denzel Washington’s white neighbor.
Coworker: don’t you hate it when you get so busy you forget to eat?
Me: imma stop you right there
[tucking a hotdog behind my ear] I’m off for my run, babe. See you later.
The real reason women will never be the ones to propose: As soon as she gets on her knees, he will start unzipping his pants.
Me: “A handful of goldfish makes a great snack.”
Her: “Those crackers are too salty for me.”
Me (with fish breath): “What crackers?”
Dry January. Only drinking dry martinis.
Thousands of people are attacked by sea creatures every year. We at BP are dedicated to bringing that number down. You’re welcome!
*first year living alone*
Me: *runs out of bedroom on Christmas Day to find no presents* what
Romeo: Juliet is the sun.
Neil deGrasse Tyson: *loudly from the balcony* NO SHE ISN’T
I bet Columbus was super pissed when he rolled up in the Santa María only to find Dora had already explored America.
my girlfriend sold her prized barbie toy collection to get me a ticket to oppenheimer this weekend. and i sold my supply of highly enriched uranium to get her a ticket to the barbie movie 😔
Just had a cardio workout peeling an orange.
Cheeseburgers don’t make you work to eat them.
There’s an important lesson here.
accidentally called out my dentist’s name during my colonoscopy
3am
H: *yells from bedroom*
babe, do I smell cake?
M: *not looking up, eating cake from the pan*
nope, it’s a new plug in
When there were bear prints in the sand that was bear jesus chasing you
Yes, milk from cows tastes nice. But to the person that first found that out..you have issues bro
If Alexa is really “watching” everything I do, then why doesn’t she help a sister out and block her credit card after 10pm?!?!
Explain it to me like I’m five then do it for me like I’m one hundred.