Felt great to be hit on by a kid in his 20’s on my bday until my sister told me I could be his mother.
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Shout out to all you people out there who get asked if you’re okay a lot even though that’s the only facial expression you have.
Mess with your coworkers by walking up behind them and whispering in their ear, “strike two”
Sorry folks, Twitter’s broken. Moose out front should have told you.
Just reported my neighbors to Belgian authorities because they have a dog named Waffle.
FRIEND. My daughter just hates her job
ME: My dogter loves hers
F: You mean dau..
ME: *shows her a pic of a puppy in scrubs* She’s a dogtor
Being married for years I thought I knew intimacy…that was until today when my eye dr. decided to sing “dust in the wind” right into my eyeballs
Me accepting an Oscar: and I’d like to thank the designer who made my beautiful gown: the 5 rats who live in the alley behind my house. Not magical rats that can talk or sing, just a normal regular buncha rats – STOP PLAYING THE MUSIC I’M NOT FINISHED
I need a fifth of Wild Turkey, some meth, three sticks of dynamite and a Bible. I’ll explain later.
me: i’m so sad and hopeless and directionless
my brains: buy stuff
me: no listen i need a purpose
brain: a purchase?
Ways to make your woman happy.
1. Cook for her.
2. Surprise her with hugs & kisses.
3. Hide a lion in her apartment then rescue her.
My dress code is business-casualty.
my roommate had a party last night and i asked one of the guys here what his job was and he said skateboarder
The Dominos “tracker” says Ashley just left with my pizza so I only have a few minutes to get naked. Just glad it’s not Brad…
…again.
[the city, seeing a marching band]
DAD: Son when you grow up, would you be the savior of the broken, the beaten and the damned?
ME: i’m 6
Does anyone want a $100 bill? Because I’m giving away $100 bills!
Here, you can have my $100 phone bill… and my $100 grocery bill…. and my $100 insurance bill!
If you kill the question, what do you bury?
The question remains.
just got CPR certified if yall know anyone dead or dying tell them hml
I hate that feeling when your iPod earbud accidentally gets ripped out of your ear and you want to murder someone with a hammer.
People Magazine sounds like something aliens pretending to be humans would call their magazine.
Me: I just watched Airplane and need to ask you something
Brother: What is it?
Me: It’s a comedy movie from 1980, but that’s not important right now
Rather than changing the clock on your oven simply cook your food an hour ago.
[Date]
Her: Any hobbies?
Me: Monging mostly.
Her: Huh?
Me: I’m a monger
Her: Huh?
Me: Iron, fish, war… You name it — I’ll monger it
Billy Joel seems remarkably unfazed by the old man sitting next to him making love to his tonic and gin.
4: Water!
Me: Ask me nicely
4: Actually, I’ll get it myself
Food gives you energy to nap more.
list of casinos I need to burn down in order to prevent my credit score from going to the dogs: ceaser palace, trump cube, chuck e cheese,
“Why tattoos? You wouldn’t put stickers on a nice car.” Ma’am I am at best a 2003 Corolla.
Hate to brag, but a cute fireman gave me his number today. It’s only 3 digits & he said it’s only for emergencies, but I know what he meant
They’re really bad with fonts.
[job interview]
“Tell me about yourself”
*flashback to when I used hand towels mom said are specifically for guests*
I’m a risk taker