Felt great to be hit on by a kid in his 20’s on my bday until my sister told me I could be his mother.
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I enjoy long walks on the beach and that thing you just did with that banana.
Can we all agree that “K” is not short for “OK,” it’s short for STFU?
°a turd walks into a bar°
[BARTENDER] why the long face pal?
[TURD] °sighs° i just got dumped
Dear parents of college students on Spring Break, Congrats!!! Many of you are about to be grandparents!!!
I wish I had the confidence of my 8yo who boldly declared she was going to teach her younger sister to read “real quick”.
There are no atheists in parking lots where you’ve dropped your phone face down on the asphalt.
Worst Excuses For Being Late
5) Too many dragons
4) Out of dragons
3) I’m not late, Steve is
2) Time is fake
1) Made a list of excuses
You know how you have that ONE hoodie that no matter when or what you’re eating — you ALWAYS spill something on it? It’s cuz you’re a pig.
Effort made
I’m sorry, you’ll have to repeat that. I’m not fluent in nonsense.
Think before you yell at your kids. They are the ones who might have to bring you toilet paper in 20 minutes
I’m posting this because I’m honestly at a loss. I’ve been in this situationship for as long as I can remember & I need advice. There’s this guy & he’s honestly SO nice & he gets me whatever I want but he only visits once a year & only when I’m sleeping & then he just disappears.
I’m just curious if anyone has been through anything like this? Any advice? I don’t even have his number I just write him letters.
Don’t run with bagpipes. You could put an aye out. Or worse yet, get kilt.
Don’t buy Colgate whitening toothpaste!!
Label reads: Guaranteed whiteness in only 14 days…
15 days later and I’m still black.
You kids and your fancy Google searches. This World Book Encyclopedia got me through all six years of high school.
waiter: wine?
date: I don’t drink
waiter: water?
me: she said she doesn’t drink pal
Dog: MY BOWL IS EMPTY
Me: You *just* ate
Dog: I SEE NO EVIDENCE OF THAT
If there’s a zombie apocalypse and you see one zombie taking a nap, that will be me
Stop asking yourself if something is a good idea and start asking yourself if you can get away with it.
what happens in quarantine stays in quarantine
Teacher: define “impossible”
Me: no can do
Teacher: correct. and can you explain what “skepticism” is?
Me: doubt it
Teacher: excellent! and “agnosticism”?
Me: I have no idea
Teacher: amazing
Shout out to the kidney bean, the trachea celery, the gall bladder peanut and other foods named after internal organs.
me: I’d like one mcdouble please
employee: sir, this is a Burger King
me: ok one mcdouble please, ur majesty
Cheetos are like baby carrots that you can eat.
[first date]
HER: So do you prefer cats or dogs?
ME: *scanning the menu* I don’t even see them on here. What page are you on?
Elderly woman at bus stop just said my son was “beautiful.” UM STEP OFF PERVERT UR LIKE 40x HIS AGE cc: @LAPD
8 and I just standing there existing
3 (irritated): I’m trying to eat
After a blazing row with the girlfriend, we agreed there’d be makeup sex on date night, but I turned up in full Joker face paint and am now single again.
When I asked for my wife’s hand in marriage, I didn’t realize how often I’d just get the finger.