Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Dear Son-I apologize for ruining your life by asking you to put your dishes in the dishwasher!

Clapping was invented by white people at concerts, because we have no idea what to do with our hands when we dance.

Romeo: Juliet is the sun.

Neil deGrasse Tyson: *loudly from the balcony* NO SHE ISN’T

USA lose graciously to Belgium in the World Cup. Obama says no hard feelings & any drones heading towards Belgium are nothing to worry about

I set an alarm when I’m napping just to make sure I’m not late for my second nap.

[3 guys corner me in an alley]

3G: Bet you’re scared
Me: *shows them my wife’s credit card bills*
3G: *hand over their wallets* holy shit

[During an interrogation]

Bad cop: That’s not gonna fly

Penguin cop: Seriosly? I’m right here

[when it’s my turn to introduce myself to the group] Hi my name is Tim and I didn’t hear any of your names cause I was so nervous about my turn and I probably won’t hear the next three or so cause I’ll be thinking about the weird way I said “nervous,” glad to be on the team

goals for 2020:
-read more books
-read more books about birds
-learn bird language
-respectfully ask bird that kidnapped my girlfriend to give her back

[first date]

I just love that you are a normal, cool girl.

*subtly slides macaroni art of your face back under my chair*

-Yeah, totally.

[at a restaurant]

me: do you have a box I can put this in

waiter: the… the child?

my husband fell asleep and I don’t know how to turn the volume down on his game without killing his village or whatever so I guess the soundtrack to my insomnia tonight is intense medieval lute music

$4.99 for a box of saltines? My neighborhood grocery store thinks it’s a Whole Foods now.

You ever randomly hear your mom singing ‘Candy Shop’ and then die a little inside?

Pretty rude of Instagram to put a bunch of ads for shapewear in my feed dominated by food porn… I mean, they’re not wrong, but it’s still rude

When someone starts making fun of my air guitar skills I just whip out my finger pistols and it usually shuts them right up.

Do you ever wonder if your parents spoil your kids to get back at you for what you put them through as a teenager? Because I’m totally thinking of doing that.

stressed, standing 10th in line when car drives up outside w/ music so loud that whole store hears the thump of the bass

Random Guy Behind Me: I used to play music that loud but I was a teen. I grew out of it

Me: I’m just glad you hear it, too. I was afraid it was my heart beat

[at a bar]
CUTE GIRL: *grabs my arm* hey there
ME: *mouth full of food* did you know a lobster on a kabob is called a kablobster

My boyfriend’s bike was stolen out of our backyard today. It was meticulously locked up around our fence, so you might ask me “Kaitlin, if it was so meticulously locked up on the fence they how did they steal it?”

That is because they also stole the fence.

I have a magical ability to render my daughter instantly and completely deaf by simply saying the word “bedtime.”

There are only a few more shopping days left until your loved ones find out how little you understand them.

“I can’t possibly lose this if I put it here” I say to myself before completely forgetting where here is

The level of giddiness I experience when someone I hate says something stupid in front of an audience is a tiny bit embarrassing.

Wife: Why don’t you buy me flowers?

Me: I didn’t realise you sold them. Also why are you talking like a pirate?

I can’t stand lactose intolerant people who work at ice cream parlors. They can dish it out but they can’t take it.

[on the 7th day]

Dodo Bird: those humans you made, are they uh safe?

God: yeah totally harmless little dude

Dodo: *watching Adam sharpen a stone* c-can you maybe keep an eye on them?

God: *biting into a kit-kat* sure thing buddy

we need to bring back easter eggs on DVDs in case the Doctor ever needs to communicate with someone thirty years in the future to warn them about a race of terrifying sentient statues with the power to send people back in time.

*house explodes into flames*

Kids: mom, what’s for dinner?

Yes liquor stores are essential businesses, today it was essential that I get port to go with my cigars.