Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Take your husband’s last name. Take his first name. Take his social. Assume his identity. Hide the body in a closet. You’re the husband now.

[picks up date]
*slides over hood of car* *slides off car onto another car* *slides off that one onto another car* *date looks at her watch*

“Don’t touch that. You don’t know where it’s been.”

“I don’t think you washed your hands long enough. Go wash them again.”

“In this house we cover our mouths when we cough.”

My parents did a better job preparing me for adulthood than they knew.

Notes to my My normal
kids teacher handwriting

There’s a big crane across the street from my work and I want it to reach over the street to us and deliver snacks at our front door

Nobody loves a thunderstorm more than a teenager who promised to mow the lawn today.

“Another pancake?”
“No, honestly, 38 is enough for me”

Like my grandma always says… put more booze in the mashed potatoes

When you put :/ at the end of your text I know you had a terrible stroke and call 911.

wife: Get your hand out of your pants
toddler: Sorry
son: Sorry
me: Sorry

I could never do polyamory not because of jealousy or anything I just don’t have it in me to keep track of more than one birthday

‘THINGS WE DIDN’T DO:
•Start the fire
•Shoot the deputy

THINGS WE DID DO:
•Built this city
•Shot the sheriff

THINGS WE WANT TO DO:
•Break free
•Hold your hand

THINGS WE WILL DO:
•Rock you
•Survive
•Anything for love

THINGS WE WON’T DO:
•That’

Leonardo DiCaprio is totally getting laid tonight! This has nothing to do with the Oscar, just a safe assumption to make each and every day.

Sure kids are great but have you tried sleep?

Heard rumors that a coworker slept her way to a promotion. Damn, if the bosses only saw how much I sleep at my desk I’d own this place.

[ordering cake over phone]
“and what would you like the cake to say?”
[covers phone to ask wife]
“do we want a talking cake?”

My wife is napping quietly and the villain of this story is about to be this sneeze.

If two parents sit down to help their child with three math problems at 7:00 PM, what time will daddy be sleeping on the couch tonight?

No one is more disappointed about you driving the speed limit than the cop pacing you, thinking he’s cleverly disguised in his marked Ford Explorer.

*takes off Scooby-Doo head*

Rivorce?!

Twitter takes me places I’ve never been before. Take oncoming traffic for example.

I like my men like I like my coffee, tall, dark and left on top of my car

[On phone with circus]

Hannibal: “I’m wanna ask about the job”

Ringmaster: “OK. So we just fire you into a net. Then you stand up, wave. That’s it”

Hannibal: “When do I eat the human flesh?”

Ringmaster: “Uh? Are we talking about the Human Cannonball job?”

Hannibal: *hangs up

It’s legally required that you lose a frisbee onto the roof within one hour of purchase

Shoutout to my upstairs neighbors who wrestled a large moose last night

Explaining Jewish things to non-Jewish people makes you sound like you’re losing your mind. My little brother is getting married soon & had his “aufruf” & I repeated the word six times before being asked by my friend if I was barking at them.

Me: Mow the lawn.

Son: I don’t want to.

Me: Me either, that’s why I’m telling you to do it.

Good morning to everyone except people that sit right beside me when there are lots of other seats open.