Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: Excuse me, where’s the rowing boat equipment?

Employee: Keep going down there, Oar Aisle.

Me: …

Employee: …

Me: Or you’ll what?

I’m sure a spider is never scrutinized for spending too much time on the web.

When you marry someone with the same sense of humor as yours you have to deal with the consequences, like when I asked my wife to put on an outfit I haven’t seen yet and she walks out in my gym clothes.

I bought a pair of underwear today.

In the front it says ‘I would do anything for love’.

In the back, ‘But I won’t do that’.

The transition from Lego kid to Nerf kid provides a lot of relief to parents’ feet.

Watching Celebrity Jeopardy must be stressful for the people who run the charities. Imagine missing out on $30,000 because Christopher Meloni doesn’t know his state capitals.

Hostess: Are you staying for dessert?
Me: Oh no, I couldn’t. I’m too full. (ice cream dripping from my purse)

*cracking knuckles, sharpening ax, loading 12-gauge*

Alright, it’s time to recite some poetry

Sorry, I can’t make it. Can’t find my “goin out” sweatpants.

No one in movies or TV shows ever properly freak out when they see someone eat sauce off a wooden spoon then put the spoon that they just licked back in the sauce.

If you wait for the perfect time. You will become a perfectionist at waiting.

*sees that all the leaves have blown into the neighbour’s yard*

*buys all the lottery tickets*

Convince neighbours you’re shrinking by walking past their window with progressively larger jars of hellmann’s mayonnaise.

Tornadoes and marriage are alike, because they both begin with a lot of sucking and blowing, and in the end you lose your house.

I drive my brother’s BMW because I can only afford to borrow a midlife crisis.

Anyone under the age of 21 should be legally required to end every sentence with the phrase “but there’s a good chance I’m wrong about that”

When my kids ask me anything before coffee

A new rule at the office is if you cry you get sent home. Anyways, I can’t stop crying.

We’ve got some pretty upscale, sophisticated people coming over tonight, so I’m putting out the classy spittoon.

“It’s because I raised eleven kids in a previous life,” is what I tell people when asked why I don’t have any children.

*brings a rubber band to a lobster fight*

Nothing makes me worry more than the kids saying “Don’t worry, we cleaned it up”

Why’s it called landing a husband? Are single men floating just above me like airplanes, and does getting engaged require an air traffic control certification

ME (at a bar where everybody knows my name): Hey—
EVERYBODY: DAVE! Get out of here.

“This is the ride that killed Jimmy.”

– me in line, loudly, at amusement parks

*continues eating while receiving the Heimlich*

Too bad Bill Nye knows science because if he didn’t he could be Bill Deny the Anti-Science Guy

Exercised.
Burned 94 calories.
Exercise made me hungry.
Ate 940 calories.

I’m a real gym rat (i go there at night and eat their garbage)

*Godzilla smashing Tokyo & eating people. After destroying an asylum he suddenly dies*
60s cop1: what happened
60s cop2: haha nut allergy