Felt like I got slapped upside the head but there was nobody around, must have been my guardian angel.
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A walk of shame is always sad. Don’t make it worse by adding the sound of Flip flops to it.
wife: [holding our new puppy] aw, don’t scare him
me: there are 18 million vacant homes in the US, that’s enough for every homeless person to have six
puppy: holy shit
Ever meet one of these people that makes everything a competition? I’ve met more.
Spider: what do you mean I don’t qualify??
Army Recruiter: look buddy, this isn’t the leggy
The best part about shopping at Trader Joes is that the cashier reacts to every item they scan like you came up with it and grew it yourself
MEDIA: These mysterious ruins may hold unknown secrets!
ARCHAEOLOGIST: We actually have a pretty decent idea wh-
M: Archaeologists are stumped!
A: No, we have a good amount of evi-
M: Was it even humans?
A: Yes. Yes it was.
M: Perhaps we’ll never know!
A: *screams*
Didn’t have my glasses on and genuinely thought this was a diagram of a chop.
Good night everyone except the demon who invented loud cookie packaging
“Waiter, I’d like to send this back”
-m’am, I believe that’s your husband.
My husband and I are bonding over how much we hate our marriage therapist, so I think it’s working?
[duck is quacking] damn dude that duck is in SERIOUS disrepair [sprays wd-40 into duck mouth] [duck starts chirping like nightingale]
Enjoy your 30s cause in your 40s your check knees light comes on
[couples therapy]
HER: He’s always talking down to me
ME: *heavy sigh* It’s called being condescending but I doubt you knew that, Karen
call 2 psychiatrists and tell them ur gonna put them on the phone with a guy who thinks he’s a psychiatrist. now put them in the same call.
acme was just mailing bombs and rockets and shit to a dog
Me: I don’t care how cute you are, I will tear you to shreds if you don’t start cooperating.
Wrapping paper: *rips*
“Well maybe they shouldn’t make soap out of animal fat if they didn’t want people to eat it!” I yell from the emergency room, mouth foaming
Some generations will never know having to drive by someone’s house to see if they’re home.
BAND: How’s everyone doing tonight!!
[crowd goes nuts]
ME (standing in the middle, normal voice): Ok I guess. Kinda tired.
Nobody has to pee more than a small child who has just put on 10 lbs of snow gear.
In case you haven’t checked Facebook,
It’s hot today, the fireworks were beautiful, and 32 friends invited you to play candy crush!
funeral catering business:
your loss, our gain
Quick shout-out to @funTweeters. The “aggregators” and “parodies” could learn a thing or two from this account. It’s aggregation done right.
Of course I’m desirable, I have many snacks hidden about my person, I’m a veritable buffet!
(on a first date knowing women like it when you ask questions about them) what the hells wrong with you
plot twist: satan sold his soul to me
Me: Is there alcohol in this?
Barista: … No ma’am.
Me: Can there be?
DO NOT be afraid to criticize the founder of Twitter @jack.
He just gave the greenlight to fascists like Alex Jones who attack the parents of murdered children.
THIS.
MOTHER.
FUCKER.
DOES.
NOT.
CARE.
HE. MUST. BE. FIRED.
Be brave. Retweet if you agree he must be fired!