Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My wife got an organic, free-range, non-GMO, antibiotic-free turkey for Thanksgiving — and every one of those adjectives added 20 bucks.

💀💀💀💀

New machine at the gym is weird. I cant figure out the sets but for a dollar it gives me a Snickers when I hit E4.

Me: Am I the only one you’ve ever slept with?

Wife: Absolutely… the others were at least sevens and there was a TEN OMG!

Me: *holds an old lady’s hand as I cross the street*

Cop: Where …. Where is the rest of her??!!!

My plan for quarantine: only let one child in the house at a time.

a lot of guys and girls have to leave from office early today because they all have doctor’s appointments, be safe people

I like my women like I like my glasses: thick, transparent, and uneven

The guy in the office next to me is trying to save the company $1.7 million dollars from the IRS. Meanwhile I’m busy googleing “whale dongs”

Dance like you know what you’re supposed to do with your arms while dancing

Someone had to say it 🤷‍♂️

it’s weird that the skin that holds in all the organs of our body can be opened with a sharp piece of paper seems like a huge design flaw

The only cat like reflex I possess is turning and staring at the wall when you talk to me.

stop it stop it don’t cook him stop

if there’s anything parenthood taught me it’s that weird ppl have kids too & their kids may become friends w/ ur kids culminating in all around awkward small talk at bday functions

It’s dress up day tomorrow at daughter’s school. Vikings. One of her more eccentric friends – who likes to think outside the box – is going as an oar

I, too, enjoy McDonald’s sausage biscuits. We will dialogue further, you and I.

Psssst … Hey buddy … One hit of this stuff’ll take you right back to ’79

*slides over packet of Pop Rocks*

Me: Can my gift this year be a new secretary.

Boss: I cannot legally assign you anyone until your last secretary’s case goes to trial…

And I don’t want to hear people from imaginary places like Finland telling me that 57 degrees isn’t cold, save it for the elves, Santa

“Get a puppy,” they said.
“It will be fun,” they said.

I got 4 hours of sleep.

[Speed date]

Me: How many taco trucks are in close proximity to your house?
Him: I uh… I don’t…
Me: NEXT

I prefer to watch like nobody is dancing

Was at the park with the baby, and another parent pointed to a kid doing cartwheels and said, “Remember when we could do that at that age?”
Lady, I was icing my knees after recess when I was 7.

If your wife offers to cook you eggs and bacon at 3 in the morning, it’s not your wife and you’re at the Waffle House drunk again.

When you don’t even acknowledge I held a door open for you, I want to pull you back inside by your neck, and say “now let’s try this again.”

[stewardess]
“Sir, even if you ARE, as you say, the REAL Slim Shady- the captain has asked for all passengers to remain seated at this time”

Only three things are preventing me from becoming an Olympic gymnast: balance , strength, and getting out of this beanbag chair.

My sister had a baby today. I think I’ve used that as an excuse to get out of more stuff this week than she has.

Imagine falling in love with someone and then finding out they say “worthwild”