Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Leaving the grocery store: Shoot. I forgot to get bread.

Leaving Costco: Shoot. I forgot to get bread. And a gazebo.

My debit card got stolen at the gym which is fine because i will still continue to go so that I can train to fight the person who stole it

Single: We do it like rabbits

Married: I submitted the proper request form but haven’t heard back yet

I never understood why parents teach their kids to wave at passing trains: they could do that to pedestrians or cars just as easily

But if you give the finger to the people on the trains, there’s nothing they can do about it — they can’t stop. It’s that that makes trains special

Someone in Australia please tell me how my hair cut turns out tomorrow.

“So, you’re going that way? Cool. Me too.”
– Dogs

i think if you need to murder someone you should do it at the beach because like you’re gonna have to shower after anyway.

Someone on Facebook sent me an invite to their Fall Tupperware party. The only way I’m going is if they’re full of food.

they say you swallow 7 spiders a year in your sleep but have you considered not sleeping under a pile of leaves in your back yard

Me: Man, I’m tired of hearing about politics.
The universe: Cool, here’s nothing but Taylor Swift.

Waiting for a mannequin with a gut so I can really see how that shirt will look on me.

me: help! that guy stole my identity!
also me: no i didn’t

[my acceptance speech at the Badger Recogniser of the year award]
Me: just wanna thank-oh, theres one now
Narrator: that’s why he’s the best

My doctor using a spatula to peel me off the wax paper.

Mommy, I wrote some notes down in my diarrhea.

Please let her mean diary.
Please let her mean diary.
Please let her mean diary.

friend: Are you eating a whole frozen pizza by yourself?
me: It was on sale for $4
friend: I wasnt asking because I thought it was expensive

ROOF GUY: That’ll be $15,000
ME: I thought you said it was on the house

I’m wearing my brand new all white Nikes today, so please respect my personal space by extending it an additional 2 feet.

(Putting groceries away, my 7yr old starts shaking the root beer I’d bought with all her might)
Me: STOP! What are you doing?
7: Someone told me if you don’t shake it, it’ll explode when you open it.
Me: Honey, either you misunderstood or that person doesn’t like you very much.

so weird how every mom was born today

Sorry about the mess, but cleaning really chips my nail polish.

[concert]

lead singer: HOW WE DOING TONIGHT, INDIANAPOLIS?!?

me, from the back of the venue: I DROVE IN FROM A NEIGHBORING SUBURB SO I DON’T FEEL COMFORTABLE ANSWERING FOR THOSE LIVING IN THE ACTUAL CITY!

would love to see a prequel to Titanic where we see Jack completely unable to climb onto a floating pool toy and we all go “ahh makes sense”

Maybe I’m driving around with my coffee on the roof because I want to cool it down. YOU DON’T KNOW.

Why do people try to trick babies into thinking airplanes are delicious?

They should invent clothes that get fat with you

The older I get, the more I understand why Squidward is always so annoyed.

Time traveling but it’s just me aging 5 years per every month of my kids life.

[lumberjack interview]
BOSS: I’m gonna “axe” you a few questions. Haha do you get it?
ME: Yeah I “saw” that coming
BOSS: Ooo welcome aboard!