Felt like my car was going to blow over from this wind today. I feel bad for the smart cars that are probably stuck in trees.
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I never know at which syllable to stop when saying banananananana
Why was a 9 year old allowed on a shooting range. In my school yoyo’s were banned after Jenny got a black eye doing an ‘Around the World’
I love you…
…r dog.
kid: dad how do you make a bubble?
me: well son you take an asset, and you give people a reason to value that asset at a much higher price than it’s intrinsic worth, thus triggering speculative investments-
kid: *puts away bubble blower and soap*
My 17yo son made me do 40 seconds of star jumps in the garden to help me ‘keep fit’.
In return I made him no dinner to help him ‘keep slim’.
HARRY JR: what do you see in the mirror of desire, papa
HARRY SR: well if i look closely i see you mowing the lawn this morning like i asked
Raggedy Andy knew he was becoming a man when he noticed yarn where there wasn’t yarn before.
me: you won’t get on the ledge. you’re an egg bro, get real
humpty dumpty: watch me
[several minutes later]
me approaching the king, tears in my eyes: it’s my fault. it’s all my fault
The kid hasn’t pooped in 3 days.
Do I just squeeze him from the other end like a tube of toothpaste?
ME: we have a problem, i’m out of beer
HER: it’s ok i don’t drink
ME: ok we have 2 problems
“How much ice does it take to preserve a dead body?”
*I ask on twitter because googling it gets people caught.
SF is the wild wild west man
COP: what do you think made Gordon Ramsay assault you?
ME: well, he said he was going to show me how to make a three bean chili and when i said a chili should have like, at least thirty beans in it, that’s when he threw the spatula at me
Them: Ok we need to create good plastic packaging for cakes and cookies
Satan: MAKE IT REALLY LOUD
‘You probably need to pee soon, huh?’
~The monster under my bed
“What should we call the 5th month?”
May I suggest-
“Great suggestion. May it is”
I had a dream I was making out with someone with really bad breath.
Judging by the look on my dog’s face, I’d say we had the same dream.
Cashier: haha that’s a lotta candy, getting ready for Halloween early eh
Me:…
Cashier:…
Me:…
Cashier:…
Me: yep
Today, I saw a sign outside a dental office that said “We do our business in your mouth” and I haven’t stopped laughing.
Lisa: morning David
Me: who said that?
Lisa [sighs]: sorry I didn’t text you back last night
Me: is that a ghost? Because Lisa is dead to me
Smears cigarette ashes on forehead so I can show up late for work.
The Spy Who Loved Me But Wasn’t, Like, IN Love With Me #RejectedBondTitles
[tv interview]
did you get upset?
“that *beep* lied to me, she can go *beep* herself”
don’t do that. just curse and we will add the beeps
actually this email could’ve been a meeting. we could’ve spent an hour on the clock talking shit and gossiping. someone could’ve brought bagels
I made a grown man cry today in court.
But yet I can’t get my kids to clean their damn rooms.
just rolled a joint. it was my ankle.
Writing “fake bills” on all my credit card statements and sending them back.
me: how can I impress your dad?
gf: he’s really into cars
me: ok
[later]
her dad: nice to meet youme: let’s talk about pixar’s finest movie
If I ever run into my doppelgänger I’m going to steal his liver.
Cops: Ma’am, put down the knife
Me: It’s murder monday
Cops: That’s not a real thing and also it’s Tuesday