@BrandonVine

Felt like my car was going to blow over from this wind today. I feel bad for the smart cars that are probably stuck in trees.

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@SamTR7

*Spider exam: How to scare people out of their mind*
? Fly
? Breathe fire
? Sit still on the ceiling and mind your own business

@Tw1tter_K1tten

One day the mailman is going to murder my whole family and my dog will be like “Ha. Who needs to quit yapping and go lay down now?”

@TheHyyyype

[i’m on the ship’s deck, dragging around a board by a rope]

PIRATE CAPTAIN: *rubs temples* that’s not what i meant by “walk the plank”

@RoosterMustache

[with my pet bird at the park]

Hot girl: omg ur duck is so cute

Me: *covering mr quackers ears* he’s a mallard u idiot get away from me

@NewDadNotes

Hyena: what’s my name again?

God: hyena.

Hyena: hi.

God: hi.

Hyena: i’m Ena : )

God: that-that’s not your name.

Hyena: oh. what is it?

God: hyena.

Hyena:

God:

Hyena: hi. i’m Ena : )

@ViewsFrmJay

My goal is to have $50,000 in my bank account by New Years, I already got $2.93

@mommajessiec

My kids built a fort last night and it’s the cleanest room in the entire house.

@UncleDuke1969

I came home to find that my son had installed the air conditioner in his bedroom window.

I told him, “You did a good job, but it’s actually supposed to go in like this.”

I then proceeded to drop his air conditioner out of the 2nd story window.

There is no moral to this story.