She called me ugly
I called her an ambulance
Felt like my car was going to blow over from this wind today. I feel bad for the smart cars that are probably stuck in trees.
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*Spider exam: How to scare people out of their mind*
? Breathe fire
? Sit still on the ceiling and mind your own business
One day the mailman is going to murder my whole family and my dog will be like “Ha. Who needs to quit yapping and go lay down now?”
[i’m on the ship’s deck, dragging around a board by a rope]
PIRATE CAPTAIN: *rubs temples* that’s not what i meant by “walk the plank”
[with my pet bird at the park]
Hot girl: omg ur duck is so cute
Me: *covering mr quackers ears* he’s a mallard u idiot get away from me
Hyena: what’s my name again?
Hyena: i’m Ena : )
God: that-that’s not your name.
Hyena: oh. what is it?
Hyena: hi. i’m Ena : )
My goal is to have $50,000 in my bank account by New Years, I already got $2.93
My kids built a fort last night and it’s the cleanest room in the entire house.
I came home to find that my son had installed the air conditioner in his bedroom window.
I told him, “You did a good job, but it’s actually supposed to go in like this.”
I then proceeded to drop his air conditioner out of the 2nd story window.
There is no moral to this story.
Computer: set password
Computer: password is too long