When I miss my parents I put 12 expired salad dressings in my fridge and it feels like home
Felt like my car was going to blow over from this wind today. I feel bad for the smart cars that are probably stuck in trees.
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MOM: One more word and you are grounded missy
ME: (terrified of being electrocuted) Yay!
Live a little, ask her “are ya done?” while she’s still yelling at you.
Of course this is the year I bring my famous Romaine pie to my in-laws.
“OMG why am I so sore?”
*Flashback to me doing five push-ups yesterday*
If you are unsure whether your kitten is male or female try this:
– Tickle it
– If HE laughs it’s a male
– If SHE laughs it’s a female
I remember when all this was farmland!
*gestures toward internet*
*shows up at your work*
“Hi, it’s me. From the internet.”
Dr: You’re diabetic. Too much sugar and I’ll have to amputate your legs.
Me: *shoving Cinnabon in mouth* Can I get those cool blade ones?
REHAB: I am going to get well
AHAB: I am going to get whale