@BrandonVine

Felt like my car was going to blow over from this wind today. I feel bad for the smart cars that are probably stuck in trees.

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@caraweinberger

When I miss my parents I put 12 expired salad dressings in my fridge and it feels like home

@caithuls

MOM: One more word and you are grounded missy

ME: (terrified of being electrocuted) Yay!

@TheMichaelRock

Live a little, ask her “are ya done?” while she’s still yelling at you.

@thesulk

Of course this is the year I bring my famous Romaine pie to my in-laws.

@SardonicTart

“OMG why am I so sore?”

*Flashback to me doing five push-ups yesterday*

“Oh right.”

@jazmasta

If you are unsure whether your kitten is male or female try this:

– Tickle it
– If HE laughs it’s a male
– If SHE laughs it’s a female

@TwinSurvivalist

Dr: You’re diabetic. Too much sugar and I’ll have to amputate your legs.

Me: *shoving Cinnabon in mouth* Can I get those cool blade ones?

@nachdermas

REHAB: I am going to get well
AHAB: I am going to get whale