Felt like my car was going to blow over from this wind today. I feel bad for the smart cars that are probably stuck in trees.

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When I miss my parents I put 12 expired salad dressings in my fridge and it feels like home


MOM: One more word and you are grounded missy

ME: (terrified of being electrocuted) Yay!


Live a little, ask her “are ya done?” while she’s still yelling at you.


Of course this is the year I bring my famous Romaine pie to my in-laws.


“OMG why am I so sore?”

*Flashback to me doing five push-ups yesterday*

“Oh right.”


If you are unsure whether your kitten is male or female try this:

– Tickle it
– If HE laughs it’s a male
– If SHE laughs it’s a female


Dr: You’re diabetic. Too much sugar and I’ll have to amputate your legs.

Me: *shoving Cinnabon in mouth* Can I get those cool blade ones?


REHAB: I am going to get well
AHAB: I am going to get whale