My check liver light just came on
Felt sad that rabbits ate all my marigolds.
Then felt glad that I don’t have to water them anymore.
Suburban life is a roller coaster.
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My 16 yr old has a mandatory sophomore Catholic school retreat that lasts 24 hours. No phones allowed. His argument against going, “I just can’t.”
Me, “It’s tradition. Even I did it. All your siblings did it. Nothing can stop it. Absolutely nothing. Period.”
Doctor told me I need glasses. So I’m having several tonite.
Ever get up to tell your boss something and then decide to email it to him instead because it would look more like you’ve been doing something?
Daughter: Why don’t kids at school get my sarcastic humor?
Me: Because they have boring parents, darling.
serial killer: come take a ride with me to the desert
serial killer: r-really
me: yeah there’s no light pollution and i love astronomy
serial killer: ok but you have to ride in the tr-
me: *hopping in the trunk* to the stars!
I don’t care if you have a thousand pens at home already, when someone offers you a pen YOU TAKE THAT PEN
Word of advice.
If you forget to put on deodorant, sneaking into the walk-in freezer at work and holding your shirt up doesn’t solve the problem.
Also that creepy coworker will get even more creepier if you forget to close the door behind you.
Husband just asked if I was too drunk to cook dinner. Ha! Does he think I’m some sort of amateur?
*googles how to cover up burnt eyebrows*
Of course Bruce Willis is going to keep playing the same movie roles. You know what they say about old habits.