Felt sad that rabbits ate all my marigolds.
Then felt glad that I don’t have to water them anymore.
Suburban life is a roller coaster.
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the worst part about lockdown is thinking of all those Pokémon outside just waiting to be found
Cute guy: Can I pet your dog?
Me: (several blocks later) I have soft hair too. 🙁
No honey, I’m not going to “just lay around and watch football all day”. There’s basketball and golf on too.
If you’re having money problems, don’t get discouraged. Two years ago I filed for bankruptcy and now I live in a tent in my uncle’s backyard
Shutdown Apocalypse Update: Hearing now that the government closed the Grand Canyon. Not sure if they roll a tarp over it or how that works.
i think the scariest thing about entering the witness protection program would be my new astrological sign
Relationship status: Sometimes I have imaginary conversations with supermodels.
Her: What an incredibly handsome and witty thing to say.
Just when you think you’re raising a normal child, one day you look at your 10 y/o and she’s biting into the middle of the taco first.
Acronyms got me like WTF?
My husband asked me to iron a shirt, so to be nice, I went out and bought him the same shirt with no wrinkles.
If you see me in court you’d think I was furiously taking notes, but 9 times out of 10, I’m usually drawing a t-rex eating a witness.
(t.v.)“If you come face to face with a bear in the wild, you want to make yourself look as big as possible…”
me(eating a 1/2 gallon of ice cream): ok
I know somewhere my dead mother is looking at the news and shaking her head and trying to say to me You’re going to regret throwing those plastic bags and old rubber bands away.
son: dad, can I watch the lord of the rings movies?
dad: sure, I’ll join you.
son: should we watch them back to back?
dad: no side by side probably works better.
Most days I wish I were an octopus so I could slap 8 people at once.
Husband: Where are you going?
Me: I have to run a quick errand.
Husband: You’re going to the store to buy dessert and eat it in the car so you don’t have to share it with the kids?
Me: Maybe.
Husband: Let me grab my wallet.
Everyone says to marry your best friend but her husband gets all pissed off whenever I suggest it.
“Hello, Yes, This is Otter.”
When did razors get so expensive?
Three more payments and I’ll be able to shave
just got mad and flipped a table but it spun all the way around in landed right side up. everyone in Applebee’s is clapping
“YOU WANNA TAKE THIS OUTSIDE!?” I yell to my husband as I hand him the trash.
When people tell me my skin is soft I can’t help but wonder if they’re measuring me for a rug
Remember when your mom would just drop you off at the mall and have no way to get in touch with you? I don’t even trust my kids to go upstairs alone.
He’s been preparing for this moment his entire life 😂😭
A Christmas Carol is the heartwarming tale of how rich people must be supernaturally terrorized into sharing.
10pm: If I fall asleep now, I can get a full eight hours of sleep.
12am: If I fall asleep now, I can get a solid six hours of sleep.
2am: If I fall asleep now, I can still get four hours of sleep.
4am: If I fall asleep now, I can hopeful get two hours of sleep.
6am: If I FML
Sin?
I thought you said gin.
*shrug*
Either way, make mine a double.
me: how can i reduce the amount of grass in my yard?
friend: lawn mower?
me: no, i want lawn lesser.
what’s another way to say “codependent psycho”? I want this dating profile to be perfect
my kids’ favourite game was MAMA CLOSE YOUR EYES AND OPEN YOUR MOUF! so no, I’m not worried about the vaccine