Felt sad that rabbits ate all my marigolds.
Then felt glad that I don’t have to water them anymore.
Suburban life is a roller coaster.
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cellmate: what are you in here for
me: [snuggling] my bunk is cold
If you’re stuck at the top of a tree and afraid to get down, call me. I have no fear of heights so getting the chainsaw from my attic is not even an issue.
Grocery store: “Instead of buying a bunch of basil you can buy this basil plant and then you’ll have months’ worth of dead basil plant.”
First they came for the people who loaded the dishwasher incorrectly & I did not speak out.
Because they do my head in.
Doctor: How long ago did you injure your shoulder?
Women: 9:45am on Monday at work
Men: Sometime between yesterday and 2002
ask your girlfriend for her ring size and then give her a personalised bowling ball
dream blunt rotation
I wish I was as optimistic as the wives that believe they can change their husbands into the men they thought they married.
[teaching teen to drive]
Me: I’ve been waiting for this moment for a long time, sweetie.
Teen: Shouldn’t you be sitting in the passenger seat?
Me: No, this seat is better. *begins kicking her seat*
A lot of infant toys promise to improve motor skills, yet I’ve never seen a baby work on a car.
waiting for halloween be like:
I hate it when genies exploit your poor choice of wording to fulfill your wish in a way you don’t actually want, like dude, you know what I meant.
*at a party*
peter: jesus keeps double dipping his chips. should we say something?
paul: we all saw him walk on water the other day. he brought a guy back from the dead last week. he seems to be in command of some pretty scary powers but, sure, go tell him to stop double dipping.
*i get home riding a pig*
Wife: Hey honey, how was the “Hog Riders” meeting?
Me: *sighs* Pointless…this one was for motorcycles too.
Do I consider myself to be mentally stable? Buddy, I don’t even have a horse…
The IRS just called me so I wired $5000 to their office in Pakistan just like they said so I hope that solves everything
*sees cute guy approaching*
Me: *whispers to self* Don’t be weird… don’t be weird…
Him: Hey.
Me: *wombat noises*
How do I form meaningful friendships as an adult without enrolling in grad school or joining a cult?
How come Noah didn’t just slap those two mosquitoes?
So it turns out that the cookie dough flavored toothpaste I have been using is actually just normal cookie dough.
Him: This fish is too fishy.
Me: How’s your water? Too wet?
I couldn’t get the dog off the bed so I held up his ear cleaning solution, now he’s hiding somewhere and I’ve got fresh linens
[At drive through]
GUY: would you like a drink holder?
ME: ya sure
[driving home]
ME: so uh, what’s the pay like?
GUY IN BACKSEAT HOLDING TWO SPRITES: It’s not great.
Her: Did you see that science has developed bed sheets you never have to wash?
Me: Huh. I thought I already owned them.
My family arranging my open casket funeral:
Here’s a picture of how we all remember her. Can you make her look like this?Mortician: This is a printout of the eye roll emoji.
WAITER: Your meal comes with three sides.
ME (imagining a delicious triangle): Excellent.
[May 2020]
Top 5 of the wealthiest ppl in the World thanks to Covid- 19.
5.
4.
3.
2.
1. Divorce lawyers
HIM: Did you steal my truth serum?
ME: You bet I did.
No wonder King Charles’s visit to France was cancelled amidst violent protests about retirement age legislation. A working 74-year-old royal just sends out the wrong message.
Can’t afford a deep tissue massage? Try sleeping with a toddler