Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: … No worries!

Narrator: There were, in fact, many worries.

[Casting Meeting]

Director: Did we get Cruise?

Producer: Tom said he’ll do it if we get Willis.

Me: So we’re Cruise in for a Bruce in?

My mother & wife are scared to death of each other, so they both ask me to help word their emails to each other. So, the communication between my mother and wife has *evolved* into me writing emails to myself. They get along great lately. It took me too long to figure this out.

I went to a seafood disco last week and pulled a mussel.

[Ouija board]

O spirits, let me talk to m-

C-O-N-N-E-C-T-I-N-G C-O-N-N-E-C-T-I-N-G C-O-N-N-E-C-T-I

*squints*

What the heck?

A 3G board?

Me: my imposter syndrome is pretty bad. I feel like I don’t deserve to be here, I’m not good enough

Satan: what

I found my first grey pubic hair today, but I didn’t freak out; unlike everyone else in the Zoom meeting.

Remember before Twitter you would have to pickup the phone and call someone to tell them how much you love bacon ?

millennials aren’t having kids because no one’s made lo-fi hip-hop beats to yell at your kids to

I like to take an empty Krispy Kreme donut box to work and sit in the break room and watch all of the disappointed faces

Breaking news:

[someone is nice to me]

*checks if wallet’s still in my pocket*

No one:

My 3yo: H I J K Elmo Elmo P

I say when we bury people we tie their shoes together. If there is a zombie apocalypse, at least it will be goddamn hilarious…

*the great barrier reef is destroyed but a new one forms in its place* what a rereef

If you find a stylist who can cut hair without talking, never let them go

Mom was disappointed there were no fights on her flight. I gave her some tips for the return flight.

Guys don’t want sex, guys want to watch a thousand movies starring Jason Statham as a former elite special forces assassin who’s trying to leave his past behind but is called back for one last job

Reason to wake up early in the day:
THE EARLY BIRD GETS THE WORM

Reason to wake up later in the day:
THE EARLY WORM GETS EATEN

[preparing dinner]

Him: *making mashed potatoes* I feels like you don’t trust my cooking

Me: *also making mashed potatoes* don’t be silly

“WAIT!” I screamed at my daughter as she typed Y-O-U on my computer but miraculously the autocomplete added “TUBE” so yeah, God exists.

ISSUE: is the road runner wile e coyote’s son
FOR: thhey, seem to respect each other, on some level
AGAINST: one of them is a dog

“Living well is the best revenge.”
– someone who has never thrown a jar of spiders onto their enemy’s face.

I haven’t been to the gym in months. I wonder if all the pudding cups in my locker have spoiled?

[parent teacher conference]
TEACHER: little joey has trouble accepting responsibility for his actions
PARENT: good luck dealing with that

The doctor told me that at some point I’ll have to stop partying and I said I’d cross that bridge and find a new doctor.

Dating:
I love you so much. I would do anything for you.

Marriage:
Since you’re going upstairs already, can you take this with you?
“no”

“Let me be clear” the sliding glass door said as I face planted it.

The most important thing to remember when driving is that not everyone is smart.