Felt sad when I heard Taylor Swift is now with Tom Hiddleston.
Apparently, my subconscious thought I had a chance with Tom Hiddleston.
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[in bed]
ME: [turning off table lamp] I’ve finally finished my book
WIFE: What happened in the end?
ME: I saw his stripy shirt behind a tree
Me: Hey, wanna feel really old?
Friend: Yeah?
Grandma: Stop telling people to poke me you little shit!
Oh no, we don’t go in there. That room belongs to the spiders.
Man on train saying he’s in back-to-back meetings all day, I suggested trying face-to-face meetings. He left without thanking me.
The coconut is very versatile. It can be eaten or be used to make a radio.
[In line at the store when my child has a meltdown]
A boomer in line behind me: that child could use some discipline-
Me: -but your generation has already used 𝘌𝘝𝘌𝘙𝘠𝘛𝘏𝘐𝘕𝘎 all up
Forget ‘a jury of my peers’ I want to be judged by a talking horse
O: put your seatbelt on, honey
o: i will, mom
O: you ready?
ø: yes
[Bomb will explode in 26 seconds]
*googles “how to defuse a bomb”*
*clicks top result*
*it’s a 17-page slideshow.*
GODDAMMIT
*an ad plays*
explaining “the ring” movie to younger generations
me: so you watch this video cassette
them: a what?
m: and then you get a phonecall
t: oh please god no
Came home to find the couch had moved a few inches, and neither the dog nor the cat will look me in the eye now.
I have literally never asked anyone where was the library in Spanish. What other lies did I learn in school?
contortionist: what’s wrong?
proctologist: your head’s in the way
Being Man, a territorial animal, I assert dominance by sending Facebook Pokes.
i’m angry no one’s ever pranked me by having 10 pizzas delivered that i didn’t order
NURSE: the doctor has pronounced your father dead
ME: oh my god we’ve been calling him dad all this time
Date: omg it’s so dark do you have a flashlight
Me: I don’t need one cause I have all the light I need right here-
Date: aww
Me: oh my feet *i stomp and my light up sketchers start flashing*
Cop: raise your hands
Me: ok, but if you looked down you’d see the same thing
C: ma’am?
M: they’re right there
C: how high are you?
M: yes
There are 3 certainties in life
-death
-taxes
-anxiety anytime someone asks me what I’ve been up to
*shuffles around on carpet in fuzzy socks for several minutes*
Okay, let’s go to your stalled car and give this a try.
My immune system was built by my grandmas and aunts licking their thumbs to wipe food off my face.
You are NOT too much. You are ENTITLED to take up space. If the Suez Canal doesn’t have room for you that is the Suez Canal’s problem.
[watching him pack his bag to leave]
Me: So this is it, we’re done and you’re leaving me?
Plumber: Uh yes the toilet is unclogged now.
[slashing food truck tires]
friend: wtf are you doing?!
[running away with arms filled with tacos] YOU COMIN OR NOT?!
“Why do you hate me?”
– me any time someone tells me I have to sleep on a futon
10yo just came to me, so excited to share about a “new artist” he discovered who sounds “just like Alexander Hamilton.”
Anyways it was Eminem.
Vin Diesel’s real first name is Vehicle Identification Number.
WIFE: we’ve be ME: er
WIFE: married so l ME: ar panels
WIFE: we com ME: puter
WIFE: each o ME: ctopus
WIFE: sen ME: ta claus
When I got my epidural during childbirth I didn’t realize it was gonna wear off before the toddler years
a swear jar, but for using the word “nuanced”.