Felt sad when I heard Taylor Swift is now with Tom Hiddleston.
Apparently, my subconscious thought I had a chance with Tom Hiddleston.
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Wife: our friends won’t call us back cuz they’re sick of your conspiracy theories and seafood puns
Me: maybe they were all abducted by UFOs, seems awfully fishy to me
If the Powerball has taught me anything, it’s how to turn $200 into $4.
Cop 1: You think Simon will escape?
Cop 2: Nah, he’s locked up in there good.
Simon: Simon Says free me.
Cop 1: Dang it, he got us.
horse: [driving in a car past people in a field] PEOPLE!
70 percent of parenting is sounding like a Scooby-Doo villain when you tell your spouse, “And I would have been able to get to those dishes if it weren’t for those meddling kids!”
I did laundry for 7 miles according to my Fitbit that I accidentally washed and dried.
Me: I don’t feel well
Mom: Did you eat the plastic fruit again, Gigi?
Me: No
Mom: …
Me: …
Mom: …
Me: *throws up plastic banana*
Of course I consume a lot of carbs. I don’t want to get decarbohydrated.
Date: wow you are dressed to kill tonight!
[Me in full medieval armour] a knight never takes a life unless he has to Janice
When I die, cremate everything but my feet. Then set the feet covered in my ashes on a stranger’s front porch, ring the doorbell, and hide
Brownie points would be better if we could eat them.
cops: neighbours reported sounds of a struggle
**i begin to weep as I glance at my skinny jeans**
Super disappointing that the government is taking so long to distribute and administer the murder hornets
Toe: He just banged me into his dresser. Should I give him the most intense surge of pain he’ll ever experience?
Brain: Wait 2 seconds.
me: the opposite of “some” is both “all” and “none”, which are also opposites of each other but not opposites of “some”
the pentagon: who else have you talked to about this
AT&T sent me a text apologizing for their service outage. I sent them a text thanking them for making it impossible for people to call me.
It’s too bad u can’t safely fill babies with helium. How cute would that be to look up and see hundreds of floating, chubby, happy, babies.
Trick-or-treating has been canceled, so this Halloween I will be giving out advice.
“Hey, Mr Tambourine Man, play a song for me.”
*shakes tambourine*
“Got any others?”
*shakes tambourine*
“Sounds a lot like the last one”
What did the bra say to the hat? “You go on a head, I’ll give these two a lift.” (I’m back to silly jokes. Probably for the best.)
Being a little bit crazy is like being a little bit pregnant – you can only hide it for so long.
SURVIVOR: Hey, we wrote this 4 hour song explaining the entire anatomy of tigers!
PRODUCER: You can sing about ONE tiger body part:
SURVIVOR: *Sadly* Eye, I guess.
This woman just stared at the beer in my cup holder, like she’s never seen a cup holder on a grocery cart before.
A big dipper? in this astronomy?
Parents: when naming a boy, consider using a king’s name, like Mattress or Burger.
just when my neighbors think they know me, I sprint across their yard pushing a wheelbarrow full of hair
Everyone has their talents. Mine is picking the grocery store checkout line filled with people who apparently have never gone through a grocery store checkout line before in their life.
I just yelled, “1, 2, 3 mommy is lava!” and my kids ran away, leaving me to drink my coffee in peace. I’m pretty sure I’ve peaked for the day.
I jump out of bushes to give surprise breast exams. I save lives.
The police are on the lookout for me. Probably to give me an award.