Felt sad when I heard Taylor Swift is now with Tom Hiddleston.
Apparently, my subconscious thought I had a chance with Tom Hiddleston.
You Might Also Like
Melo: “What I gotta do to get signed?”
NBA:
Me: Look buddy, I’m not here to play games
Arcade Manager: And that’s exactly why I’ve asked you to leave
“What do you see in him?”
– me to the x-ray tech imaging my kid
[party]
ME: You’re out of shrimp.
HOST: That was fast. I’ll get more.
BF: Where are your manners?
ME: Under the heap of shrimp in my purse.
Sorry, but your password must contain an uppercase letter, a number, a haiku, a gang sign, a hieroglyph, and the blood of a virgin.
*watching Only Murders In The Building*
Me: “Where are all the crows?”
When I said you had a “serial killer face” I had meant it as a compliment, Like, you look like you are very ambitious is what I meant.
I like a bird with purpose. One walking quickly as though late to a business meeting. No time to trifle with you, ma’am.
what if in airbud they put the dog in and they didnt win that coach would feel stupid
#parenting
Do dogs think humans are in a constant battle to claim toilets?
*Flings your voodoo doll out into the snow*
You cold, bro?
Just dyed a bald eagle red, white & blue & forced my family to eat 3 apple pies each. We’re all crying. It’s awesome.
Me: I hate people.
H: I challenge you to say something positive.
Me: I’m positive I hate people.
I’m so pale… I don’t send nudes, I send transparencies
I want a Viking funeral when I die…complete with sticks, marshmallows and chocolate for the attendees.
What? I’m sure that’s traditional.
[Husband 911]
Me: I just shattered the gravy boat.
911: She’ll kill you.
M: I know.
911: We never spoke.
M: What?
911: Good luck
* Click *
Irony. The opposite of wrinkly.
Thank you. I’ll be here all night.
My husband said he wanted complete honestly in our relationship
So I said I wanted a divorce
It only looks like my kids are having popsicles for breakfast, Brenda, those are clearly frozen smoothies
my kid thinks that if you go to the same drive thru twice in a day you have to wear a disguise so they don’t know it’s you
casting director: whenever you’re ready
me: the name’s bond… james bond
casting director: okay, hold up a sec. do you want to try it without the finger guns
me: no
[Job interview]
“How would you describe yourself?”
“I’d use the appropriate adjectives.”
“Anything else?”
“Over-literal sometimes.”
Look, we don’t expect animals to be nice to strangers right away when they meet them, they need to sniff you to out a little bit to decide if you’re okay or not…. So how come when I do it people are like “Oh, she’s being weird again”
Walked past our fish bowl and the water bounced like that cup in Jurassic Park. Now I feel both insulted and all powerful.
Ladies, let’s remember: The shoes aren’t sexy if you look like a newborn calf trying to walk in them.
*looks over back shoulder*
*puts car in reverse*Wife: OH MY GOD
*slams brakes*
Me: WHAT?
Wife: Becky just posted the cutest picture
If you succeed at failing, do you fail or succeed?
2020 was the worst escape room I’ve ever done.
My future soulmate & lover out there praying that I don’t find happiness with anyone but her, your prayers being answered!!