felt that
You Might Also Like
How do you stop eating chips and salsa do they have to run out or do I die or what
Worm: first snake and now me? this is bullsh-
God: I literally just ran out of legs my dude.
Worm: I mean that’s fair.
[Centipede crawls by]
Worm:
God: I didn’t say why I ran out of legs.
dating tip #4: when meeting her brother for the 1st time make sure when he goes for the handshake u kiss him on the lips to assert dominance
*pulls United States of America cartridge out of the Nintendo and blows on it*
“You can hide but you can’t run,”
– Mama tortoise giving the lowdown to her kids
I snuck into a field to get milk straight from the source. I had no idea it took so long to milk a cow. Maybe because it only had one udder.
I only let students whose parents schedule a conference with me, and then don’t show up, chose a kazoo from the prize box.
We avoided this particular disaster
Him: pick up those new bareskin condoms.
*later*
Him: why is there hair on this & wtf, is that a claw?
Me: next time get them yourself. Do you know how hard it is to skin a bear?
I made a Tinder account for 1st time ever today for some blog research and it’s going pretty well.
MARY: Well, I just had a baby… in a barn. So, thanks to everyone who brought gifts. The gold, the perfumes. All things babies love.
Also the child who inexplicably played drums, like, right in my face.
This…this was great.
You known you’ve been on twitter too long when autocorrect will not type ducks.
Got kicked out of the flat earth bar for offering to buy everyone a round.
To the goth guy in my college dining hall who always ate waffles: I’m sorry I only knew you as “Waffle Goth.” You were surely more complex.
Any t-shirt can be an ironic t-shirt if you hate things enough
I’ve been eating cucumber slices instead of chips and when I close my eyes, I pretend I’m eating something more enjoyable, like broken glass or rusty nails.
I think my husband is psychic!
“Honey, what do you think of this outfit?”
{from other room}
“You look great!”
*feels painful possible cavity*
*eats chocolate to feel better*
“White Purr!” – Ku Klux Kat
Whenever a long lost friend calls me, I get suspicious & wonder if he’s calling me to sell Amway products..
Inventor of the Number 1 Pencil: Surely you will be the most popular pencil!
“Why do old people keep getting scammed by phone calls?” wonders a generation that just sent a headshot and access to the data stored on their iPhones to a company they’ve never heard of before
ME: how old is your son?
WOMAN WHO STILL CAN’T ACCEPT THAT HER BABY HAS GROWN UP AND MOVED OUT: 288 months
went to my great aunt’s funeral (she made it to 96) and was eating so much potato salad and smoked salmon that my uncle asked if I had a tapeworm
Jeweler- Lord of the rings
Fast internet- Lord of the pings
Vocalist- Lord of the sings
Trivia winner- Lord of the dings
Medical supply- Lord of the slings
Orchestra- Lord of the strings
Sports bar- Lord of the wings
Beekeeper- Lord of the stings
Tinder- Lord of the flings
My office has started random urine testing of employees to detect traces of hope or optimism.
HUSBAND 911: what your emergency?
ME: my wife hears everything
HUSBAND 911: do I?
ME: what?
HUSBAND 911: what?
I spray Lysol on Tide Pods before I eat them. Double protection!