Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

9 out of 7 people can’t do fractions

Sorry I said “What is it?” when you showed me your baby.

“I can’t possibly lose this if I put it here” I say to myself before completely forgetting where here is

‘Twas the day before Lent, and when it was done, not a creature was sober, not even a nun.

As Head Priestess of the North Glendale coven…in addition to requesting YET AGAIN everyone sign up for unholy committee duties…I’ll reiterate that your amulets MUST be smaller than mine, yes I mean yours Susan. Also there’s a Prius blocking the driveway. All hail the Dark Lord.

Really want to try out a career in tracing, or something along those lines.

No one told me we would be forced to eat brussel sprouts at that haunted house.

yes, I did pass these out on my last family vacation.

[opens fortune cookie]

be careful what you wish for

[opens another]

this is your final warning

I’m sorry I dropped your baby and doubly sorry I nudged it under the crib with my foot so you wouldn’t notice.

Scientists use dead bodies? Jesus, I know they’re nerds but they should still be able to make living friends.

[Car breaks down]
Me:*inspecting engine*
Date: is everything ok?
Me: *nervously searching 100 now empty hamster wheels* haha..y-yep

Robber: This is a stick up

Me: *clears throat* I’ll stick up for Larry. Pat called him an idiot earlier and although it’s true, it was mean

$20k in my bank account (the k is silent)

My home security system is just a copy of my paycheck taped to my front door.

Just won a sausage biscuit at this basketball game. Never give up on your dreams.

Is it just me, or have KFCs started getting too picky with their ‘no shoes, no shirt, no service’ policy…?

Remember, you are statistically more likely to be killed by a donkey than a plane crash.

[Donkey Pilot turns and does throat slit gesture]

Anyone else’s phone make a retching noise when you unlock it with face ID?

Moments before my plane doors closed this guy rushes on and goes “I MADE IT BOYS” and like 10 dudes scattered around the plane started cheering and he high fived them all as he went to his seat. Their boys weekend in Bozeman is about to be a feature film

I just saw the movie “A star is born” and if you think it’s about the solar system you will probably be as mad as I am rn

[sideline]
QB: Do you think I should go for it?
COACH: I say go for it

[huddle]
CENTER: So?
QB: Would you like to go for a coffee sometime?

…sees you when you’re sleeping, knows when you’re awake, knows if you’ve been bad or good…

Me: Omg, this song is about my phone.

*wife icing waiter’s jaw while I talk to the police*
“I thought he said boner petite”

💀

[pretends to answer phone in front of date] why hello… [trying to think of someone cool] GEICO lizard

WIFE: we’ve be ME: er
WIFE: married so l ME: ar panels
WIFE: we com ME: puter
WIFE: each o ME: ctopus
WIFE: sen ME: ta claus

MAGICIAN: Is this your card?

ME: No

MAGICIAN: Is this your card?

ME: No

MAGICIAN: This one?

ME: No. When is our regular postman back from holiday?

[Morgan Freeman narrating my life]

*extended period of silence*

“What the hell am I supposed to do with this…”

My toddler is pretty particular about the brand of chicken nuggets I offer her for somebody who just ate a crayon.