Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If someone asks if you’ve been crying just say, “why… do you want to watch?” and it will weird them out enough to leave you alone

#Thanos #MondayMood

I wanna be friends with this person

Forgot my wallet at home & filled up at the gas station so I have to leave some collateral. Not leaving my phone there so 4 year old it is.

Therapist: Ok *sigh*, what is it this week?

Me: Same issue. I just can’t get past the breakup. It still seems surreal.

Therapist: Look, we’ve been over this repeatedly. Yugoslavia is not getting back together

did it hurt? when u opened ur bank app

interviewer: why were you fired from your last job?

God: [sweating nervously] ok have you ever heard of humans

Surgeon: I’m unable to perform this surgery. I’ve only got 10,000 spoons, when all I need is a knife.

i’ll see your “live laugh love” sign and raise you an “ew, people”

Conversation between my mom and my 12 year old brother. I am in tears.

If having a social media account makes you a journalist, changing a lightbulb makes me an electrician.

Coworker: will I be seeing you at the office ugly sweater party?

Me: no, I’m not ugly

I love art.

ME: (doing stand up)
GUY IN CROWD: BOOOO *throws a tomato*
GUY 2: BOOOOO *throws a tomato*
GUY 3: BOOOOO *throws a tomato*
GUY 4: what the-
GUY 5: he’s just eating those like Pac-Man

if you are getting the names Jon and John confused call them by their full names, Jonaldo and Johnaldo

You don’t see great advertising like this anymore

Meghan Markle: breathes

Press: Meghan Markle wages war on global oxygen supply by hoarding depleting resources within her lungs.

My Boyfriend: Why are you so dramatic?

Me: (Getting eaten by a lion)

My soulmate is probably someone else who doesn’t really talk to anyone either so that could be an issue

date: i like a guy who’s strong-

me: i can bench 130 lbs

date: enough to tell the truth

me: on the moon

My superpower is turning “never again” to “ok, one more time”

I tried watching Inception with Twitter on. I still don’t know what Juno was doing in their dreams.

K1: Frankincence
K2: Myrrh
K3: Gold
K1 & K2: WHAT?
K3: Gold
K1: We said £20 each!
K3: I..
K1: I hate you
K3: Wrap it from all of us?

[first day as hostage negotiater]

me: [taking the phone] yyyyyelllo

[loud explosion from inside the bank]

Sorry about that time I gave you advice that would have made your life ten times better. Good thing you chose to completely ignore it. Phew.

Boss: Stop copy and pasting responses from previous emails

Me: sounds good

Sent from my iPhone

Sent from my iPhone

I am only drinking 2 beers tonight, but in dog beers.

Them: I really really really want a zigga zig ahhh

Hostage negotiator: ok but you need to let the women and children go first.

Me: Leonard Nimoy died today.
Co-worker: From Star Wars?

*goes home*

Wife: How was your day?
Me: Leonard Nimoy and a co-worker died today.

Why do the French eat snails?

Because they don’t like fast food.