Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

After bragging I could eat hot curry to be cool, the football Christmas dinner was at an Indian restaurant. I ordered the vindaloo, after a few minutes I was in tears. I grabbed my phone and pretended to take a call, standing up I said, “My dogs died” and walked out.

I have a strange power dynamic with the cat as I can’t tell if I’ve been evicted or deposed. Either way, the centre of the bed is no longer mine.

When a band has Z’s where S’s should be in their name, I’m like, “Woah, watch out! These bad boys aren’t playing by society’s rules.”

What if there were a liquid that tasted like acidic, sour dirt?
– inventor of cranberry juice

7-year-old: *using her tablet*

Me: You’re not doing your homework.

7: How did you know?

Me: You haven’t complained all morning.

I’d … I’d rather not.

My husband asked if I wanted to go on a hot air balloon ride but there’s just something about a flame & a wicker basket that makes me want to say no.

Ha

When a woman texts you three questions you should only answer one. She will love that.

Instead of asking pregnant friends if they know the baby’s gender, I ask if they know the species, that way I don’t have to worry about being invited to the baby shower

The eyes are the windows to the soul. A moustache is the front garden, and the mouth is that big pothole the council should do something about

This guy is heading back in to town. His wife has been sick for months, and his recent indiscretions weigh heavily on his mind. He eyes the oncoming cement truck, and feels a pull. He could leave this all behind with one turn of the-

Son: I don’t want to play hot wheels anymore

A good way to get people to stop showing you baby pictures is after each one say, “Can I keep this?”

PET SHOP OWNER: So would u like a puppy for your son?
ME: Yes

[home]
WIFE: Where’s Tommy?
ME [with a puppy] ok so they offered me this deal

I buy my shoes three sizes too big so if I run into a clown posse I’ll have automatic street cred.

I get it, people who leave Styrofoam everywhere. it is heavy and hard to pick up and put in the trash.

therapist: why do you do that

me: ummm i don’t know babe u tell me

It still pisses me off that a meteorologist doesn’t know what’s inside every meteor…

these fake antiques roadshow captions are so funny to me
[A THREAD]

ME: I was born a tree…
ALSO ME: …but I’ll dialog.

Realtor: Why r u moving?
Me: I’ve been eating w my hands for 2 months because the sideways spatula won’t let me open my silverware drawer.

Her: when you said “magical in bed” this isn’t exactly what I was exp-
Me: *holds up 8 of hearts* is this your card
Her: *softly* holy shit

[In meeting, puts cap on pen]

Me: Thanks everyone.
Coworker: Oh, also I nee–
Me: No, did you not see me cap my pen? This meeting is over.

Little Kid: wanna hear a joke?
Me: life is meaningless without death
Little Kid: why did the chicken cro- wait what?

Your 20s are for fucking up & figuring yourself out. Except for me, who should have had every single minute detail of my future plans set in stone the second I stopped being a teenager.

hey I just met you

and this is crazy

but I’m going to argue with another stranger in your mentions

for hours maybe

Drew blood trying to take a sexy lip bite pic and now I’m on vampire twitter. So, bye, I guess.

George Clooney and Brad Pitt fall in love and rob casinos together.

#ExplainAFilmPlotBadly

My husband walked out the door, smiled & said, “Have a good day!” like he doesn’t even realize he’s leaving me home with his children.

[car slides off road in a snowstorm]

Stranger: you need a tow?
Me: no Sir 10 is enough for me

[we both laugh as he drives away]

[still stuck 10 hours later]

Wife:
Me: I regret nothing