Female Coworker: I just got this implant in my arm. It’s for birth control.
Me: I didn’t even know an arm could get pregnant.
You Might Also Like
Girlfriend: [breaking up with me by phone] Hopefully someday it’ll be clear but you and I are not the same.
Me: Obviously not. They’re two different letters.
*click
I failed a history exam, stood-up my girlfriend and accidentally bought a packet of figs today because I’m terrible with dates.
Take that, diet!
And that!
And that!-Me eating Oreos
Me: your honor, this man wakes up an HOUR early so he can MAKE and EAT breakfast before work
Him: I-
Judge: THIS IS NOT YOUR TIME TO TALK YOU MONSTER
SON: Daddy, what’s the point of this?
ME: I’m not sure there is one, son, our existence and actions are ultimately futile and meaningless
SON: No, I meant this
ME: Oh that’s a can opener
The kids in Mrs. Doubtfire were pretty dumb if they couldn’t figure out that their nanny was famous actor Robin Williams the whole time
Stop calling me an amateur. I’ve been doing this for decades. I’m incompetent.
[Picking up girls]
Me: you like bad boys, huh?
Girls: yea
Me to my wing man: tell them
Wing man: he’s just literally the worst
I drive my brother’s BMW because I can only afford to borrow a midlife crisis.
What’s the difference between a a camera and a sock?
A camera takes photos,
a sock takes 5 toes.#SockDay #SundayVibes #RubbishJokes
tums is missing out on selling pumpkin spice flavored antacid and calling it autums.
Like my mama always said, “May you be in heaven a full half hour before the devil knows you’re dead.”
me: just tell me what to do
universe: *gives me a clear sign*
me: well that could be for anybody
I’ve got two tickets to paradise.
Oops. One’s just a parking ticket.
Here. You can have that one.
I suspect the ancient Greeks would be horrified that we refer to ‘laying on a couch all weekend watching a TV series’ as a “marathon”…
looking for a 5 bedroom 3 bath house for $30
I wouldn’t say my husband and I are competitive but we do play a very cutthroat version of name that tune anytime a song comes on.
Apparently saying “If you think your wife is fat now, wait till she has the baby” is not a good way to congratulate someone.
Shogun is a timeless and powerful reminder that no matter what country we come from, what language we speak, or what we believe in, we must unite against our common foe: the Portuguese
Me after 1 airport cocktail:
I’m eating the potato off my 3yr old’s French Fries because he doesn’t like potato, in case you wondered if parenting was right for you
my friends and all our dads listening to the laser tag employee give the instructions:
An app similar to Google Maps except it highlights all of the areas in your city that are believed to be haunted.
My first thought when meeting new people is often how tiny they are and how security in this maternity ward sucks.
Just started a new diet where I order Wendy’s salad and then eat all my kids’ fries.
This was the best day of my life
Can we get Downton Abbey-style series about the Hogwarts janitors and kitchen staff?
Now, if you all will excuse me I’m going into my closet and I’m not coming out until I find something with an elastic waist…
date catches me googling “how to hamburger” when she asks if i can cook