Female fishermen should be called Broadcasters.
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you’re supposed to save up 3 months salary to buy an airport sandwich
Me: if we stay on budget for the next few months we’ll be back on track
My bathroom pipes: good plan, right after you fix this leak
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘golfed’
“May I have it in a sentence please?”
Sure. He golfed with a tee.
“G-O-L-F-T”
7 brought me breakfast in bed, which in theory was super sweet, except in reality it was a poptart at 4am.
Baristas, stop paintin’ pictures in my damn latte. I’m gonna drink that shit not frame it.
Her: I love you
Me: What’d I do now?
Her: Nothing. I just love you
Me: OK, what’d you do?
Her: Nothing
Me: FOR GODSAKE TELL ME WHO DID WHAT
I surveyed 100 women and asked them what shampoo they used when showering, 98 of them said, “How the hell did you get in here?”
“Oh babe. All of that is for me?”
-Me, to my laundry basket.
The First Step in AAA is admitting your car has a problem.
Before Isaac Newton discovered gravity everyone had to glue themselves down.
Cargo pants are for when you want to wear khakis, but also want to be a backpack.
Praying for people who setup a 5PM work meeting on a Friday to be blessed with the most obnoxious kids
Mechanic: that’s gonna cost $2000
Me: how much?
Mechanic: $3000
Me: what did you say before that
Mechanic: I said “that’s gonna cost”
god: welcome to heaven, bob. today we reunite you with your soulmate
bob: karen!
god: karen? your soulmate is a japanese farmer named oshi
I mean, technically aren’t we all “foodies”? I’ve never met anyone who’s like “nothing for me waiter, I’ll just photosynthesize”.
My idea of a 5 course meal is pizza with 4 toppings
Aoccdrnig to Ylae rseaerch, it deosn’t mtater waht oredr the ltteers in a wrod are in, the olny iprmoatnt tihng is how mcuh mnoey you hvae
Welcome to your fifties. Now your eyebrows grow from your left shoulder. 😵💫
[Central Park]
Me: the squirrels have been busy collecting nuts for the winter
Also me: can someone help me get down from this tree
[My wedding]
Priest: We really do need your hand in order to exchange rings.
Me: But my dress has pockets!
wife: everyone at buffalo wild wings is staring at you
me: i’m sorry if i like using a fork and knife
wife: on your coke though?
Took a DNA test, turns out I’m 100% that one Asian who can’t use chopsticks.
The court system could save a lot of money on psychological exams by reading Facebook posts to determine if a person is crazy.
I’m taking my kids with me to the office today. They’ll learn about my industry and what I do for a living and my coworkers will learn why I show up to work looking like a disheveled, defeated husk of a man.
When I can’t barge, I careen.
I don’t know who needs to hear this but if you have a flock of sheep that’s having trouble with foxes/dogs get an alpaca. The alpaca will happy join the flock as a ‘long sheep’ and will kick the shit out of anyone who messes with its gang.
Source: grew up on a farm.
My daughter, age 6, is into playing Would You Rather and her questions are not for the faint of heart, i.e., “Would you rather have eyes, or a grandma?”
H: I’m going to the store.
M: Why don’t you take my truck?
[3 hrs later]
H: Your truck was out of gas, the tires needed air and it needed an oil change.
M: You don’t say? Huh, weird. *sips wine*
ME: I fell off a 50 ft tall ladder once
GIRL: holy cow how did you survive
ME: I fell off the bottom rung