Female fishermen should be called Broadcasters.
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I’ve never gone cow tipping. Milk is expensive enough without adding 15%, and the cow would probably just eat the money anyway.
*Child putting on clothes very slowly while singing*
Me: You really need to hurry up – we’re going to be late.
*Child starts singing faster*
I don’t suppose you’ve seen those two boiled eggs I left sitting on the kitchen sideboard by any chance?
Female villains are largely glamorous, confident, articulate, and have a lot of resources at their disposal. I’m searching for the downside.
Went by the house where I grew up. Asked to go in to look around, but they said no and shut the door in my face. My parents can be so rude.
My goal weight is to stop hearing ‘you have a great personality’
[being murdered]
me: this is free, right?
I don’t think I cadaver study a dead body
Feeling lazier than the guy who named the anteater
“What’s this thing eat? Cool.”
[First day at the fortune cookie factory]
Me: Boss, I got this order for 10k cookies boxed and ready to go.
Boss: That’s Incredible, it’s normally a week long job!
Me: Yeah, I worked real hard because you left me all these inspirational little notes.
[My Last day at the factory]
I wish my ex could look down from heaven see my “look at me now” life!
but nooooo, he’s still alive
flight attendant: please put all devices in airplane mode
optimus prime: i can only do “truck”
What about a To-Don’t List?
What do the films Titanic & the 6th sense have in common?
Icy dead people…
Of course I will guard your Easter basket from any pillaging by your sisters. Bring it here, honey.
Beth on Facebook “Can’t believe its Monday again already”… if only there were some way for her to calculate the order in which days occur.
My rabbits are hot and they aren’t happy about it. I’ve got hot cross buns.
I’ll see myself out.
Dogs can’t talk and everyone loves them, coincidence, I think not.
[gets intuitive notification]
you know what, apple watch, I think I will finish that outdoor walk from 2011
My eyes are seared by the blood soaked nightmare of the hellscape before me.
The pungent odor of the wretched, tortured souls burns my lungs.
I struggle to breathe…Me, in the DMV waiting room
Born on February 29th of a leap year, I can’t legally drink till I’m 84.
Does superman ever go back to get his clothes, or is Metropolis just full of hobos running around in glasses and Clark Kent outfits?
One of the coolest things about superhero films is that they can be any genre.
Science fiction? Guardians of the Galaxy.
Fantasy? Doctor Strange.
Sleep aid? Eternals.
If its a ghost ship why does it have to be on water
If you need me, I’m in bed snuggling with my emotional support Funyuns.
All I want for Christmas is a domesticated raccoon that wants to eat lasagna with me & go on quirky adventures. It would also be nice if the raccoon could do magic but I understand that is asking a lot and therefore, it is not required.
Some homophobic guys are scared that a dude might hit on ’em.
If a chick wouldn’t hit on you, neither would a dude.
Ugliness is universal.
Once I was driving with my first wife and we got into a screaming match while she was also eating an ice cream cone. I reached my breaking point and slammed on the brakes which made her face go all in the ice cream. This will forever be the funniest thing I’ve ever done
waking up with a headache was not the pounding I was hoping for
her: babe!
me: wait, I want to word this tweet right
her: BABE!!
me: and send… what was the question?
minister: Do you take this woman to be your lawfully wedded wife?