Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If you don’t have plans tonight, head to a crowded restaurant, stand up during the meal, and say “She said yes!”. Free applause and dessert. You’re welcome.

In 2058 the selfies became self aware and choose their own filters.

My neighbors are arguing. So I threw 6 shoes in the dryer. They haven’t said a word since.

COVID-19 helping people realise that some meetings can be emails.

EMERGENCY!!! THERE’S A NEW ONE!!!!!

Me: I would like this urn

Clerk: of course, sir. Who is it for?

Me: my wife

Clerk: oh, I’m so sorry

[later]

Wife: no I do not like my Christmas present

Wife: I want a divorce

Husband: But you made a vow in the church that we remain together till death do us part.

Wife: then drink the tea I made for you

Naming my daughter “A Relationship” so I don’t have to worry about punks wanting to be in her.

I don’t honk at women because I don’t let a girl know she’s attractive with the same thing I use to scare ducks from in front of my car.

Umbrellas are cool because they keep 8% of you dry AND give you a big soggy stick to carry around all day!

“Doctor, I’m afraid of people yelling letters of the alphabet at me.”

THERAPIST: Oh! You are? WHY???

A thing I learned at this week’s staff meeting is that I have restless leg syndrome when I sleep.

ME: [repeatedly trying, and failing, to film a successful water bottle flip]
DAVID ATTENBOROUGH: experts project extinction for this species

Do you want to see a 4yo cry on their birthday? Give them a Slinky and wait about 7 minutes.

“I didn’t want to come to your party.” – gift cards

9yo: Did you know that long, long ago. Like, really long ago, it took computers MINUTES to connect to the internet. Like actual MINUTES.
Me: Yeah… I knew that.
9yo: Of course you did because you like history.
Me: Go away now.

[drunk, yelling at a can of baked beans] ALEXA PLAY BENNIE AND THE JETS

4 completely accepts that Santa Clause is real, but his mouth drops every time I remind him that his Grandma is my mom.

Me: [2007] next year I’ll meet more people and be open to new experiences
Me: [2017] next year I’ll live in an underground bunker and build my own squirrel army

my wife went to Costco 3 hours ago and now she’s ignoring my calls. this can’t be a good sign.

😤😤

Today I learned that a Roomba does not clean dog poop very well, but it does leave a trail as to where I can find it.

Establish dominance by dying while you have out of town guests.

These pit stains indicate I’ve put unrealistic expectations on my antiperspirant.

In some societies it’s considered rude to put post-it notes on people’s heads in the doctor’s surgery with your guess what’s wrong with them

Apparently new moms are supposed to “sleep when the baby sleeps,” but I have yet to find anyone who has mastered the art of sleeping while driving or pushing a stroller.

cop: why’d you kill him?
me: I was trying to count something and he kept shouting random numbers
cop: ugh hate that you’re free to go

all these baby pumpkins drained of their spice and discarded behind a Starbucks

Eggs come out of the carton left to right, buddy. Not all willy-nilly like some crazy person who hates America.

You don’t really appreciate a Chinese Spy Balloon until it’s gone.