Female giraffes on dating apps be like “Must be at least 20 feet”
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My 6 year old keeps trying to play with me. What does he think I had his little sister for?!
my 37yo husband: after 40 it’s all downhill
me: *just sitting there all 40*
Make your cavity search more entertaining by keistering surprises for the TSA agent.
What did you find, Gary? No that’s not a Chinese finger trap. Keep looking.
It doesn’t matter where you hide. Your children will hunt you down, find you, and tell you they’re thirsty.
[egg store]
Me: what kinda eggs are these?
Clerk: chicken eggs
Me: u got dog eggs?
Clerk [holdin up a sign saying meet me out back in 5]: no
My sons consider “it’s bedtime” my first offer in the negotiation process
If you didn’t want me to object to this wedding maybe you shouldn’t have had a cash bar
“You have such a great personality”
Me: Thanks, I collect them.
*takes bite of cookie*
Aw man this is awful
*takes another bite*
Still bad. But I better eat the rest to see if it gets better
Me, at a Renaissance Fair: Well actually, that type of staff is inappropriate for the type of wizard you are portraying.
It’s like 10000 spoons when all you need is a castle surrounded by a mote filled with 7-11 nacho cheese
[Audition for the musical Cats]
Director: Act like a cat for me
Me: I’m not doing anything to impress you
Director: Perfect
nurse: height
me: 6’4″
nurse: weight
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me: wait for what
I’ve just ordered some of those packaging air pockets from Amazon and can’t wait to see what they’re delivered in.
Just bought a thesaurus at the store and brought it home to find out the pages are all blank. I have no words to describe how angry I am.
ME: I’d like to return this sports bra.
CASHIER: Why?
ME: I wore it and I’m still bad at sports.
CASHIER: It’s just clothing. You train to be good at sports.
ME: *Sees training bra* Jackpot.
This is Manny. Every single time he chews on his ball, it goes flying out of his mouth. And every single time, he is surprised. 13/10
Woke up in middle of night to write down something pressing and important.
*checks notes*
“Some form of ancient mop”.
MOM: Your father was abducted by aliens last night.
ME: [about to adjust thermostat] Oh no.
[meanwhile in ufo]
ALIEN: What do you mean we have to turn around?
DAD: Somethings wrong I can’t explain it.
My son wasn’t listening so I said his attitude was super cringe and he looked up at me in horror and look at that he heard me.
Just left the polling place and they’re…clapping? They’re saying I was the best voter and I was so easy to work with and listened to the instructions so well and I made all the correct choices and no ones ever done it as well as me before. The poll worker lady is crying
*parachutes into your family BBQ*
I noticed you haven’t retweeted me in a while, but I see you had time to make POTATO SALAD…
I had a crazy dream that I weighed less than a thousandth of a gram. I was, like, 0mg!
I come from a long line of idiots. One of my ancestors was stabbed to death by his fellow Greeks for shouting ‘Brojan Horse amirite’ while waiting inside to ambush Troy.
Me, “There’s a warning light on in my car.”
Husband, “What does it say?”
Me, “It’s just a picture of an oblong thing.”
H, “The engine?”
Me, “It looks more like a submarine.”
H, “WHY WOULD THERE BE A SUBMARINE WARNING?”
Me, “Exactly what I thought. We are so connected.”
“Today is chest and leg day!”
-me, ordering at KFC
400 fucking grocery carts to choose from and I always pick the Ford Pinto with a flat tire.
I own 2 crabs. One is happy and the other is grumpy. The happy one is crab A.
The grumpy one is crab B.
My personal favorite unit of measurement is whether or not something is considered “a big whoop”
Never understood why people need bathrobes? Just take off your clothes and have a bath, then put on some clothes after the bath. Why the need for an intermediate garment? This is a moneymaking scam being propagated by Big Robe.