Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

To the guy that stole my anti-depressants, I hope you’re happy now

A guy from HS asked my best friend why I hate him.
She said, “It’s not personal. Amy hates everybody.”
It’s cool that she gets me.

Nobody:

Kindergartener learning consonant sounds: F-f-fish starts with F and f-f-frog starts with F too, and my mom says a word that starts with F but it sounds kind of like duck. *pause* I don’t know if I’m supposed to say THAT here.

I just won $8 on a scratch ticket. Lock up your girlfriends, I got that double cheeseburger money

i’m really good at reading people’s true feelings from their words. for example, my wife said “i love how you’ll just leave the dirty dishes in the sink and wait for me to do them,” but i was able to determine that she does not, in fact, love that

her: u excited for the next Star Wars?

me: [sweating] did we win the last one

C’mon, when have I ever let you down? That was rhetorical, actually. Yes, that is a lot. Wow, did not expect you to bring out a chalkboard.

“How many volunteers do we have for my evil army?”

384 my liege

“Ok, round them up”

400 my liege

I abhor violence but I might get a smidge slappy for the last piece of lemon meringue pie.

Every country has a wafer cookie, and every country thinks they invented it

I want a ticket to anywhere. #FallonTonight

[mall]

Wife: Wait here.
Me: Okay.
Wife: Hold my purse.
Me: Yes, ma’am.

*looks in purse*

*waves at testicles*

Me: *sigh* I miss you guys!

8: I forgot my name
Me: Oh no!
8: no I –
Me: is it amnesia, do you have amnesia?
8: no I just –
Me: this is terrible!
8: I JUST FORGOT TO PUT MY NAME ON THE PAPER

You’re not doing Britishness right unless you’ve apologised to at least three inanimate objects in the past 24 hours.

Speed dating
(Don’t say anything embarrassing)
“So do you ever eat raisins and then later poop rehydrated grapes?”
(DAMMIT!)

Me: This is a beautiful flower arrangement
Host: That’s a salad.

Are rhetorical questions really necessary?

When you get a “Your Package Has Shipped” notification as soon as a shipping label is created that’s like the business equivalent of sending a “I’m walking out the door now!” text when you just got out of the shower.

My mom used to get me to ring her phone when she couldn’t find it, and then she’d pick the phone up and be like oh Sarah sorry I missed your call

If you wait until the last minute to do something it only takes a minute to do it.

[Review]

Boss: We’ll be giving you the company car *yawns*

Me: A car!

B: Sorry, I meant company card *sneezes*

M: Well, a card’s still cool.

B: Sorry again, It’s the company cardigan.

M: Ok, I’m a medium.

B: Then you should have known it was a sweater the whole time.

Captain Crunch is basically an exfoliator for your mouth

My phone keeps sending me a message telling me moisture has been detected in my usb port, I think it might be flirting with me

me: *handing James Bond a mug of blended olives and vermouth* yeah I don’t know how to do either of those

Press 1 for English
Press 2 For Spanish

Press 1 or 2 for Indian

[first day in Hell]

Me: I can’t wait to bust out of here

Devil: there is no escape

Me: no? [shakes kool-aid packet]

My husband came home with pizza sauce on his collar and no pizza and now I know what it’s like to be cheated on.

anytime I light a candle I immediately picture a firefighter explaining to my neighbors how it happened