Female lamb: I feel so much pressure to conform more.
Therapist: Hey, ewe do ewe.
Lamb: THAT’S your advice?
Therapist: I woold take it if I were ewe.
Lamb: SERIOUSLY?!
Therapist: (grins sheepishly)
Lamb:
Therapist:
Lamb:
Therapist: Why are ewe maaaaaaad at me?
waking up with a headache was not the pounding I was hoping for
how long are you supposed to age potato salad in the sun?
My neighbor just told me “I’m going on a date with a new guy tonight. I think he’s in a cult. Still better than the biter.” Every married person should have a single friend who’s still on the apps, the divorce rate would approach zero
Are we sure the wise men who brought frankincense and myrrh weren’t just trying to sign Mary up for their essential oils pyramid scheme?
“LOOK AT MY ASSHOLE.” -Cats
please dont announce your new job. im on twitter trying to have a good time and to spread misinformation
[babysitting]
*calls Mom of kid* How long does your baby stay in the rain before it’s clean?
*sits*
This is nice.
*stands*
This is also pretty cool.
*lays down*
Oh okay this is my favorite.
I just yanked a bag of Doritos away from my daughters and yelled “we’re about to eat dinner!” Then I finished the bag off by myself in the pantry.
“You’re attachment is too large,” my computer tells me.
I blush. “My eyes are up here,” I respond coyly.
On the third date, I like to buy the girl a really big meal so she’s already used to not finishing
me at 7: I wanna be a marine biologist when I grow up! That or a ninja, prolly both
me at 29: I don’t know how to wash dishes without getting my shirt all wet
This is Ethel. She is minding her own business. And her neighbor’s business. It’s called multitasking. 13/10
Lights that commit crimes are sent to prism
People who don’t like pickles are so important because they give me their pickles
Your metabolism after age 40 is like, “Nah, I like you fat.”
I’m donating my body to science. I’m getting sick of it taking up space in the freezer.
5-year-old daughter: I don’t like my princess shoes with the heels.
Me: Do they hurt your feet?
5-year-old: I can’t run from zombies.
Staring at my Barbie Dream House and realizing there’s a lot of places for spiders to hide in there. As one does.
God: *creating Eve from Adam’s rib*
Adam: That’s a weird way to make people
God: Lol wait till you see how she does it
sorry about the last 24 hours California, i brought back a mysterious relic from overseas but i’ve destroyed it now
Permission to use your hammer, your honor
It’s a gavel
Permission to use your gavel
Denied
*looks longingly at pile of walnuts & sighs*
ALL THE JADED LADIES
all the jaded ladies
ALL THE JADED LADIES
all the jaded ladies
So I said, “Why don’t you eat one of these fried cornbread balls,” and he said “hush puppie,” so I said, “You hush, you piece of shit,” and one thing led to another court date.
Him, handing me a beer: One for the road?
Me: Sure.
Me, pouring it on the street: This seems wasteful.
[at a football game]
my kid: can i get a giant foam finger
me: no
my kid: why not
me: because you already ate three of them at halftime
I did it! I found the worst thing on the internet. A combination of so much awful.
Remembering the time I brought a bf to a family thing & he pointed at my uncle & whispered, “That’s my parole officer.”
I don’t think either person should pay for the first date. It should be on the house
they say penguins mate for life, but that’s bullshit cause my penguin left me first chance she had
