Female lamb: I feel so much pressure to conform more.
Therapist: Hey, ewe do ewe.
Lamb: THAT’S your advice?
Therapist: I woold take it if I were ewe.
Lamb: SERIOUSLY?!
Therapist: (grins sheepishly)
Lamb:
Therapist:
Lamb:
Therapist: Why are ewe maaaaaaad at me?
Dudes who flirt on LinkedIn are like “That pickup line really backfired on Tinder so I’m going to try that again and include my entire work history”
Don’t hate me because I’m beautiful, hate me because I’m almost finished Christmas shopping.
“I enjoy long walks…”
-Zombies
girl at restaurant: “Are you Tony Hawk?” me: “Yes.” her: “Why?” I had no idea how to answer.
Why stop at clocks? I set my stapler forward an hour too. Told my shoes it’s Tuesday. My car still thinks it’s 1987.
I’m not signing up for the 401k, there’s no way I can run that far.
Accidentally told the dog she’s my favorite in front of my kids again
If you get caught about to eat food off the floor, just pretend you lost your contact.
One of my 4 nephews just brought me wine and said, “Here’s your Christmas juice,” and now he’s the one I’m leaving everything to.
I do my part to bring people together by putting “Free BBQ” signs in random yards around town.
yeah 😭
good news everyone
Running shoes? No, I don’t run. These are my cake gettin’ shoes.
Vader: I am your father!
Random kid: Really?
Vader: You’ve got like 30 siblings. I’m kind of a man whore.
i want a reality show that’s just footage of the losers’ car ride home after family feud
Parenting talk translated.
“Come on you’re very tired, you need to get to bed.”
Actually means:
“Come on, I’m very tired, you need to get to bed.”
“HingeX subscribers go on 3x more dates” cool so what is 0 times 3
*works out for six weeks
*loses 2 lbs
*eats a carrot
*gains it back
Why are women starting to turn their homes into yoga studios?
So they can be namaste at home moms.
Me: *calls child’s name*
…
Me: *calls child’s name*
…
Me: *opens candy wrapper*
Child: THAT BETTER NOT BE MY HALLOWEEN CANDY!!
Me: *sipping* well ain’t you a tall glass of vodka
Her: *blushing* aww thank you but the expression is “tall glass of water”
Me: oh hey, didn’t see you there
“Let’s go over this one more time.”
“I know what-”
“ONE MORE TIME.”
“Fine.”
“What is it you’re looking for?”
“A garbage bag.”
“In which room?”
“The kitchen.”
“What do you do when you find it?”
“Bring it to you here.”
“I’m counting on you, Tim.”
I would rather weave a suit out of my grandfather’s pubic hair than “pull an all-nighter” with you.
When you were a kid, you said “But I’m not tired!” at some point, and you had no idea that it was the last time you’d ever utter that phrase.
I’m convinced a lot of people here are communicating from prison.
[in the ambulance]
Paramedic: what’s your blood type?
Me: whatever. I’m not fussy
Some days I want to leave everything and just run away with him. Other days I want to own 3 baby dragons and be fireproof and naked.
Kid: Hey Mom.
Me: I’m asleep.
Kid: Where is the switch to the garbage disposal?
Me: I’M AWAKE.
