Female praying mantises bite the heads off males while mating, so if your mantis boyfriend shows up without a head, he was cheating on you.
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dad: snapping a pic of your grandma in her coffin is weird
me: it’s socially acceptable these days
dad: just hurry up so we can put her back in the ground
Me: “Am I pretty?”
3-year-old daughter: “Boys aren’t pretty. They’re handsome.”
Me: “Am I handsome?”
3-year-old: “No.”
GUY: Your logic is flawed. According to experts-
ME: Excuse me, but I practiced this argument in my head & you’re saying the wrong things
Outside of a dog, a book is a man’s best friend. Inside of a dog, though, it’s every man for himself
[comes home from store]
Wife: [shaking her head] Let me guess… earmuffs were on sale?
Me: [wearing 17 pairs of earmuffs] WHAT?
Sony has a site where you can watch The Interview for $5.99 and I can’t think of a single reason not to trust them with my credit card info.
I need a hobby. I’ve been over on Insta, commenting ‘what kind of dog is this?’ On people’s bird pics.
So many designer dogs now-
Cavapoos, labradoodles, chugs …When is someone going to cross a
Bulldog and Shih Tzu ?That’s Bullshit.
My dream guy is hot, funny and smart. And he’ll ask me to marry him with a green lantern ring. And he has powers. And a castle. And Yoshi.
Remember in 90’s movies when the hot girl would enter a party in slow motion? That’s what happens when I walk in a buffet.
someone please explain to my neighbour I wasn’t “fighting a box,” I was doing the recycling
I’ve been sleeping w my laundry for like 4 days
We are dating
They’re testing the tornado sirens here just to remind us that Mother Nature is not a one trick pony.
Facebook is a great platform to find long lost friends to borrow money from.
(my date twirling her hair)
“Can I use your bathroom quick?”
Absolutely, gorgeous.
*hears the longest fart ever as she closes the door*
Me: See that guy right there? I met him in the 6th grade.
10: When there were dinosaurs?
Decaffeinated coffee is just muddy water.
if you watch the titanic backwards hundreds of disgusting sea zombies come together as a community and rebuild an old ship
Shovelling the driveway with a heating pad jammed down the back of my shirt, the extension cord attached to the house like I’m an astronaut.
[pulled over]
COP: Did you know you were speeding?
ME: I didn’t even know I was driving
COP: Out
I have 2 words for you:
Waffle.
Pants.Also, I may be high from paint fumes.
My baby girl and I like to play a game called poop or toot. She makes a face and I get to sniff her diaper. There are no winners.
Horror reviews are my favorite thing because they’ll be like “This book is vile. It gave me mono and siphoned all the gas from my car. It is a literal cursed object and I don’t feel safe around it. Five huge stars.”
Eventually, everyone in Russia will fall out a window…
6-year-old: What if dementors attack our house?
Me: They can’t get in.
6: Why not?
Me: My patronus is a screaming toddler.
Me: WHY AREN’T YOU CLEANING YOUR ROOM LIKE I ASKED?
My 6year old: You only asked once
My kids never meet a drink he couldn’t spill
Let the bodies hit the floor? Ok but first let me put down some plastic this is new carpet I don’t want to ruin it my mom will be pissed
I would like you to meet my significant other. Her name is Cheese.
*pulls a tiny monocle out of a jar of peanut butter*
OH GOD WHY