Female spider: I give up. Every profile has a photo of them holding up the biggest bug they’ve caught.
Female spider 2: I wouldn’t worry about it. If the date is bad you can just eat him and the bug and move on.
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HER: i love mythology
ME: *sensing an opportunity* i love your thology too
I had a dream that I was making an offer on a house and it came with 12 kids. I asked the owner “why aren’t you taking all your children?” She replied “I don’t like them.”
I thought dreams weren’t supposed to make sense.
My father gave me 3 pieces of advice
1. Don’t talk to strangers
2. Don’t do drugs
3. Don’t come into the garage when Deep Purple is blasting
“Why do birds suddenly appear?”
To shit on my newly washed car, that’s why.
me: can I give your dog a pet?
him: sure
me: *places slightly smaller dog next to his*
dog: thanks
I wore pink pants to work today and multiple people thought I was not wearing pants at first glance. So what I’m saying is…I am so classy that several people considered that I may have been pantsless. At work.
Suddenly she was on her back, clothes strewn everywhere and her wrists bound to her ankles. She always had trouble hanging out the washing.
No Linda, I CAN’T believe how early it’s getting dark. After 4 billion years of this happening I was sure this would be the year it didn’t.
new boss: mind sharing an office?
me: no
NB: Good [points to room filled w/wolves] bc we finally contained them please keep the door closed
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Bad boys bad boys
Whatchagonnadoo
5: I’ll fix it when you say “sorry” fifty times
3: ok. sorry fifty times
If honey is supposed to be so great for your voice, why does it sound like Winnie the Pooh has been shotgunning bleach?
my body: *works a complex system of biological processes to scab over my damaged skin*
me: *about to rip the scab off for no reason*
COP: Give back the money you stole
ME: Already spent it
COP: On what?
ME: Karate lessons which [does vague swishes w/ hand] I did not attend
I accidentally got my blow up doll pregnant.
Related: I’ve got some balloons for sale.
My new boss just described me as “dramatic but not problematic” and I’ve never felt more understood in my life
What if aliens have already visited our planet, and made contact with the most intelligent species, and it’s just not us?
If you see a dog locked in a car on a hot day, it’s legal to teach it how to hotwire the vehicle and drive off in search of a better life.
“911, what’s your emergency?”
“Hi. Long time listener, first time caller.”
“That’s really funny.”
“Thank you. Anyways, I’m being stabbed.”
When I first met my husband I knew I’d see him again because I stole his watch.
You can’t tell me what to do, you’re not a bowl of mashed potatoes.
Being an adult is like watching a foreign movie with no subtitles in a crowded theater, everyone else knows what’s going on and you just nod
If you are being chase by a serial killer, you both are running for your life
I could never do polyamory not because of jealousy or anything I just don’t have it in me to keep track of more than one birthday
Best Halloween decoration so far. 😅
My husband got his hand stuck in the dishwasher.
So of course I had to fire her.
I am never leaving this website
Hey ladies, I can spell ‘Häagen-Dazs’ without googling it if anyone is looking for a good time tonight or anything.
We’re all ridiculous…
It’s not a competition.
All the gas has sold out around here so I’m sending the husband out to buy a couple of horses.