Female villains are largely glamorous, confident, articulate, and have a lot of resources at their disposal. I’m searching for the downside.
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Guy: If u won lotto, what’d u get?
Me: A cat sitter
G: To take extra good care of Sox?
M: *pictures a cat in a suit taking care of me* Yes
Me: *reads a lot, has many books, all things considered, a book person*
Person: So, what’s your favourite book?
Me: I cannot think of one book that I have read. I have never read a single book. What are books?
on a scale of 1 to eating cereal out of a bundt cake pan with a melon baller, how lazy are you about washing dishes on the weekends?
they gotta bring back House and make it about House again and it’s still House and he is the exact same character except he works at Home Depot in this one
Ratatouille is my favorite movie based on a true story.
The walk of shame:
When you toss a paper ball in trash, miss, then have to go get it.
Cleaning out my handbag. Wondering if nine pens are enough.
HOW TO DIAGNOSE ERECTILE DYSFUNCTION:
1) It’s not very hard
I’ve just ordered some of those packaging air pockets from Amazon and can’t wait to see what they’re delivered in.
People criticise me for chasing squirrels in the park but I trust my dog
Anyone who thinks sorry is the hardest word to say has clearly never tried speaking Welsh.
Not to brag but I can still fit in the same parking spot I could last year.
I’m not sure how many problems I have because math is one of them.
Sorry I can’t make it to lunch today. I forgot to shorten “people” to ppl in a text this morning and now I’m totally behind schedule.
Due to rising costs, Old McDonald had to sell his farm.
E-I-E-I-Owes a lot of money.
KID: what do geese do at night
PARENT: good question
GOOSE(in a surveillance van): [spits out coffee] dammit we’re running out of time
Good cop: be a pal and tell us who did crime
Dad cop: you’re gonna want to be at the airport ten hours before your flight
Why be part of the problem when you can be all of it?
*family reunion*
– flirting shouldn’t be this easy
Kids today: Find out school is cancelled via text
Me: Had to wake up at 5 a.m. and watch the bottom of the tv screen like the NFL Draft
Be the reason why the lights flicker when you enter a room.
Tim Cook bravely announces he’s gay.
The world pats his hand like a kindly grandmother.
“We know, dear.”
I love it when I’m cooking a meal and half way through I realise I don’t have all the ingredients so I improvise by eating a cake instead.
Hamburgler: Success! Look at this amazing haul of these McDonald’s burgers!
Hamburgler’s Mum: *sobbing* Your brother is an architect.
If watching 80’s music videos has taught me anything, it’s that you don’t need talent if you have a fog machine.
judge: what do you have to say for yourself
scooby-doo villain: i was legally startling trespassers on my own private property and was wrongfully arrested and imprisoned by a group of high teenagers
judge: oh damn
Missiles? Is there a Misteriles?
Wife: can you give the kids a talk on drugs?
Me: ok but I talk a lot of shit when I’m high