Female villains are largely glamorous, confident, articulate, and have a lot of resources at their disposal. I’m searching for the downside.
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Welcome to middle age, where you wake up hungover whether you’ve had a drink or not.
When children, who are hoping for your death so one of them can claim your throne, bring you brekkie in bed, don’t eat it. #FathersDay
just got back from time traveling to get hitler kicked out of art school because i hated his paintings. you guys probably don’t even know who I’m talking about huh
*pulls out earbud*
What?
“We need to talk.”
*pulls out earbud*
“You’ve been spending too much time at Chernobyl.”
*pulls out earbud*
No way
Thought it would be romantic to serenade this girl with some Elvis.
I swear that’s the last time I sing “You ain’t nothin but a hound dog”
I don’t understand what you mean by ‘stop drinking so much’. How else will you know how much I love you at 2am every day?
Have you ever considered shaving that beard and gluing it to your bald spot?
…
Oh! You meant a question about the job position!
Me: Time to relax and get into bed!
The Internet: Wanna read something upsetting first?
Me: Yes, obviously.
I got a gumball machine for my 11th birthday. It was like saying, “Hey I got you a gift but you have to pay $.10 every time you want to play with it.”
Her: Would you like a complimentary orange juice with your breakfast?
Me: No, I’d like the rude, insulting orange juice, please.
Do you ever think Mario gets home after a long day and his wife is dressed in lingerie and all ‘hey handsome’ and he’s like ‘I had such a long day, if i have to jump down into one more tunnel I will lose it”
They say money talks, but mine barely gets a chance to introduce itself before it’s gone.
As a kid playing parent, I never accounted for the 8 hours a week I’d lose taking underwear out of inside out pants while doing laundry.
I don’t like it when my phone puts a word in “quotals” like I made it up or I’m stupid or something.
My soulmate will be a man who quietly and without judgement watches me buy yet another new plant without mentioning the dozen he’s already seen me kill that week
When a shoelace touches your ankle
Parents don’t have “favorites.” We dislike all of our children equally.
when my dog had kidney failure the vet said he had weeks to live, so we fed him kfc, food from the table, everything he wanted, damn dog lived for another 3 years before getting ran over by a van
Computer: Password can’t be any previously used password
Me: (Uses old password and adds an exclamation point at the end)
I sleep with a water gun near my bed, in case of cat burglar.
Squeak, squeak, squeak!
Me: I just want to be the center of someone’s universe
*has kids*
Also me: Not like that
I’m swilling port like a British butler who had a rough afternoon at the races.
Ever notice how many towns are named after their water tower?
My childhood left me with unreal expectations about how often I would see pies used as weapons.
I went to nearby motivational speaker session
Was disappointed
There were no speaker
Just humans
Can you believe it
Amazon: Your order has been ship—
Me: *Track Package*
*At the magic show*
Magician: Now I need a volunteer
Gary the Murderer: *raises a hand*
Magician: OH MY GOD WHOSE HAND IS THAT
If I take anymore ibuprofen, I’m going to have to log it as a snack.