Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

We are being punished for our hubris, for building entire factories dedicated to nothing but cheesecake.

If I had to list one thing I’m truly outstanding at I think it would be ripping open resealable bags so they are no longer sealable.

I’d be safe working at Boeing (I’m not blowing anything these days)

My Quarantine Routine:

8:30 get woken up by dogs
8:40 let dogs out
8:52 let dogs in
11:51 let dogs out
12:20 let dogs in
4:47 let dogs out
4:59 let dogs in
7:14 let dogs out
7:38 let dogs in
8:16 let dogs out
8:18 let dogs in
10:20 let dogs out
10:25 let dogs in

Told my husband that I was the prettiest girl in Walmart today and he replied “No offense sweetie, but I’ve been the prettiest girl at Walmart”

Dear Diary,

I fear for my sanity. Just today I started talking to a blank book.

Women who say giving birth is painful, obviously never watched YouTube with a 7 year old.

Sony has announced MORBIUS will be released once a month until their demands are met.

Q: Which US President has the most trouble keeping his eyes open?

A: Abe Blinkin’

Come on down to Professor Cookie’s Very Good Joke Store where you can find very good jokes like this one.

Perfecting my gay-nar. It’s an underwater homosexual detector.

Ask your doctor if Drugs™ are right for you. If he says no give him a wedgie and stuff him in a locker he is a nerd.

Mother in law just said global warming with air quotes. It’s going to be a long night.

me: family! regale me with tales of your day!

5: good

2: yes

hubs: same

toddler parkour is trying to find the slowest and most elaborate route to get anywhere

I used the words skulduggery and malfeasance in a tweet today and it made me feel inordinately happy.

It was in this tweet, but that still counts right?

I tried to spell perseverance but I gave up in the end

I thought I was getting myself a new couch but apparently I was getting my dog a new bed

I can’t run from my demons. The law clearly states I have to keep them until they’re 18.

a good captain goes down with the ship, i personally don’t need a professional obligation to sink to the bottom of the ocean, i just do it

Me: *body contorted into the most uncomfortable position known to humankind*

Every fitness instructor ever: Keep your core tight.

Took our kids to a restaurant again because we never learn our lesson.

Fear not, ugly caterpillar. For one day you will become a beautiful butterfly
[emerges from cocoon]
AH WTF I’M A MOTH THIS IS BULLSHIT

if the moon landing really happened then where did the moon land?? i don’t see it anywhere you think you’d notice it i mean it’s at least 5, 6 feet wide

HR has told me to stop saying ‘how stupid can you be?’ to members of staff. They’re worried it’s being taken as a challenge.

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OMG DAD WAT?
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Hi

Me: The brake pads breaked.

Mechanic: Broke.

Me: The broke pads breaked.

who called it an advertising campaign and not an adventure

Saw a unicorn using a phone booth and all I can think is, who is she calling?

life hack: toss a couple tennis balls into your dryer to make it louder