Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

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The fastest person on earth isn’t Usain Bolt.

It’s any parent with a toddler who just said they have to poop.

Nowadays pictures are more filtered than water.

Today I learned when you check into a Doubletree they greet you with a freshly made chocolate chip cookie from the cookie warming drawer behind the check-in desk, and if some giant soulless corporate conglomerate thinks they can bribe me with a cookie they are five huge stars

4: The baby has a lot of skin!

Me: I think he has a normal amount of skin…

4:

Me: ….definitely the right amount of skin for him….

4:

Me: Please don’t do anything to his skin.

I think tomorrow I’m going to respond to everyone using only lyrics from songs by The Dead Deads. Wish me some luck at the DMV.

Me: what do want for your birthday

Friend: just a gift card or some shit

Me, at the party: *with a gross smelling gift* I think you’ll love it

Have the confidence of an older white man welcoming you to a dinosaur park

[spelling bee]

JUDGE: your word is ‘contempt’

ME: can you use it in a sentence?

JUDGE: [mocking voice] can you use it in a sentence?

Me: Just wanted to let you know I named my car after you.

Friend: That’s so sweet, but why?

Me: Because you’re also a wreck.

mercury is no longer in retrograde so never trust a cow bc the sun can’t swim.

Managing expectations

Plot twist. When giving birth, women can finally understand how it feels like for a man to have a headache.

doctor: you need to take one a day for the rest of your life

me: *checking the bottle* there’s only 2 in here

doctor: that is correct

“Um, Jim…”
“What?”
“That’s not a log.”

We’re only a few years away from being arrested for crimes we haven’t yet committed based solely on an analysis of our Google search history.

Or at least I am.

“Release the Kraken!”
…
“Well?”
“We released him. He just took off. It’s not like he was trained or anything.”
…
“Release the tuna!”

My swear jar has cards in it you take out and scream whatever’s written on them.

Are they honking at me because I’m cute or because I can’t drive?

if you wanna be my lover you gotta get with my chins

This has got to be the Twitter exchange of the day.

My toddler climbed out of her crib and my first thought was “Why don’t they make some kind of lid or attachment for the top of these things?”

Then I realized thaaaaat’s a cage.

Like on Amazon or in our house?

[My response when my wife asks me if I can find something for her]

i think i’m too much of a lesbian at this point. i was doing the crossword this morning and the clue was “Suck it!” and i had STRA_…my mind, uh, did not go to “straw”

The boys I nanny for just asked me where I work and I didnt have the heart to tell them their parents pay me to hang out with them so now they think I work at Chili’s

*tucks napkin into my shirt*

This meal could get messy.

My uber driver hasnt said a word to me. He is a gift from god.

I’m going to open a camouflage store at the mall and call it