Feng shui consultant: The refrigerator shouldn’t be next to the couch.
Me: You’re fired.
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If it’s half price I consider the calories are half off too
Aren’t we all Mavis *sigh*
My daughter, filling out a college app, called me at home to get my home number. Big shout out to the ex-wife for pissing in my gene pool.
One time I threw my cat at a spider so I could escape, but sure I’d love to hold your baby
*power walks to the refrigerator*
💀🤣
“The Mothership has returned. Gather your things and inform the others.”
“Girl, are you a tree? cause-”
“no i’m not a tree”
“..cause i want-”
“why are you still talking i’m not a tree”
“.. i want t-”
“not a tree”
The instructions say to place the burrito on one microwave safe plate and to put another microwave safe plate on top of it before heating. Were these instructions written by big dishwasher?
If I had money, my life would be pretty much the same, but my dogs would destroy much nicer shit
No one is more optimistic than a woman who straightens her hair in 90% humidity
Never mistake my silence for weakness. No one plans a murder out loud.
[date]
HER: it’s getting late
ME: [shouting through my garfield mask] IT’S BARELY 8:15
The downside of having moles on my body is that my wife loves playing Whack-a-Mole.
You know when you tap the You Tube video to see how much longer it has left…I wish I can do that with people when they are talking to me
Just shake the magic 8 ball and tell me what it says
Priest inside the confessional: I’m not sure you know exactly where you are
Me: *stumbles in front of boss at work*
Boss: haha have a nice trip, see you in the fall
Me: *takes 8 month vacation*
The coolest thing ever would be someone writing a song about you. Unless in the song they called you a “roly-poly little bat-faced girl.”
I held up a fist for a CW to bump and she kissed my ring. I am now drunk on power and no one is allowed to make eye contact.
Made the mistake of ordering chlorine for the pool and researching Kenya so I’m tweeting this from what appears to be a windowed black van.
Of course my days are numbered..
That’s how calendars work.
It’s called a “sports car” because getting out of one after 40 is a physical event.
can anyone recommend some good behaviours for someone who just started behaving
Pilgrim 1: God blessed us with a new world, but now what do we do for our starving families?
Pilgrim 2: Let’s put belt buckles on our hats.
[family hears me pull in driveway]
wife: please don’t
wrestling announcer: sorry ma’am he already paid me. NOW ENTERING THE HOUSE FROM WORK
Today, I learned the correct way to abbreviate Assistant Manager in a reply-to-all;
And the way I did it.
Church should be less preachy and more eat-y.
Me *laying on my couch, flipping through health magazines*, “bet these workouts are a piece of cake.”
ME: this is great
INSTRUCTOR: you’ve never used a gun before, huh?
ME: [throwing another gun at the target] I need more guns
[Phone Call]
Me: My hair has never been this long before
Her: How does it look?
Me: Picture Jim Halpert in Season 1 of The Office…
Her: Oh well that’s actually kinda cu…
Me: …with a big bald spot on top.