Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Why is this woman gardening on her white carpet at the foot of her bed

Facebook: YOU HAVE MEMORIES TO LOOK BACK ON! HERE’S YOUR WEDDING!

Me: Christine divorced me

Fb: IT’S BOB’S BIRTHDAY!

Me: He stole Christine

Fb: HERE’S A PHOTO OF YOUR DOG!

Me: They took the dog

Fb: I KNOW

Me: Why are you doing this

Fb: YOU HAVE MEMORIES TO LOOK BACK ON

Dogs naturally form packs, and if left undisturbed, will teach themselves how to play poker

Me to my boss: Hey I have to wfh today, I couldn’t answer the riddles three. Yep, they didn’t let me across the bridge. I’ll see you on Teams though.

Nothing can destroy your good opinion of a company quicker than working for them.

Crying on the way home from visiting my kid at college.

I miss her already but mostly I’m crying because she took all the money from my purse.

dead inside

Excited for my new sour patch kids diet. I think this is the one

Them: what is dumbest thing you have done?
Me: you mean like today?

I will not be participating in the end of daylight savings time on the grounds that setting my clock back will add an hour to 2020.

mark zuckerberg is so rich that if he gets hit in the face with a cream pie, it is not worth his time to clean it off. he just walks around like that all day

Foreigner: I want to know what love is.

Me: And I want to know why people do weird things like put butter on banana bread.

[texting]

Wife: Clean out your bowels.

Me: OK.

Wife: *bowls. The ones in the sink

Me: *chugging laxatives* Damn it.

Sorry I haven’t tweeted in a couple of days. My kid followed me from room to room making really obnoxious whale noises and I feel like I’ve gotten a taste of my own medicine

ㅤ

When I die dress me like Mario and surround me with turtles and hammers

OLIVE GARDEN: When you’re here, you’re family!

ME: Can I get a–

OLIVE GARDEN: No, we have food at home.

Was just called down to Human Resources.

Apparently replying “Unsubscribe” to every email I get is frowned upon.

I wanna see Quentin Tarantino direct a remake of Wizard of Oz

If “six degrees” is true, somebody tell somebody to tell somebody to tell somebody to tell somebody to tell Scarlett Johansson I said “Hi.”

Women: ugh, my period again
Me: In highschool I had 6 periods a day – No big whoop

To every YT creator out there
Never put text on the bottom..
Biggest mistake in my life.

neighbor: did you steal my trampoline

are robert

me:

accusations harmful

You may be the stupidest person I’ve ever met. And I’ve met me

Caller: Emergency Sevices? I’m on fire.

Me: That’s great, keep up the good work.

[blind date]

HIM: so Paul says that you’re a real charmer *smiles*

ME:*whips out three snakes from my bag and a flute* you bet i am

Husband: Now that our younger son is 6 and our older one doesn’t turn 10 for a few months, you know what that means

Me: No, what?

H: It’s the summer of 6 and 9

Me: get out

BIKE: Seems like you’ve been eating well since the last time you used me.
ME: *regretting the “great deal” I got on a vicious cycle*

Sorry babe when you said “let’s go for a run” I thought you meant for coffee, not actual exercise and that’s on me

Seagulls are when the sea clenches its pelvic floor