[Ferrari dealership]

ME: How much for this red one?

SALESMAN: Oh, that’ll cost you a pretty penny

ME: *holding out penny wearing a small wig and lipstick*


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The people in charge of hell sometimes visit North Korea just to exchange ideas.


I know things ordinary people don’t know because ordinary people don’t talk to squirrels.


They say milk is good for your teeth..you know what else is good for your teeth..minding your own damn buisness


The girls I meet in bars have the worst pickup lines. They’re like, “Hey, what’s your friend’s name?” Never works on me ladies.


My nephew asked, ‘Do you have a New Years hangover today?’ I said, ‘No. Hangovers are for people who stop drinking’.


Cop: Cover me

Cop’s blanket-hogging partner: No


COWORKER: u got like 8 hickeys. Mustve been a fun weekend haha
ME (remembering not to talk about octopus fight club): yea it got pretty wild


Him: You’re a DJ? I’m not one for dancing. I’ve got this leg, you see? I’ve had it since the war.

Me: How long have you had the other one?


“I heard that taking your shirt off can make you appear more aggressive and self-confident.”

“Ok, but we already said you got the job.”


Please. Do not push me into the pool. The pockets of my cargo shorts are filled with packets of Kraft Mac & Cheese powder.