Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

i prefer mine room temperature.

[texting]

you mean the wolf to me

-wolf?

ha! autocorrect fail!

-lol

what i meant to say was…you’re a mean wolf to me

it’s cool when a dessert has a hint of something, like i’m biting into a tart and suddenly it goes “your wife’s death was not an accident”

According to some “experts” called “doctors”…

You can wake up without a hangover if you don’t drink the night before.

Whatever.

I want to meet the individual who made this

If you could have dinner with any person, living or dead what Arby’s would you go to?

Just realized I follow Barack Obama and he follows me back. Excuse me while I send the leader of the free world a DM about Harry Potter.

eve: oH IM aDaM aNd I WoNT eAT aN ApPle

adam: wow

eve: lighten up i’m just ribbing you

adam: WOW

That awkward moment when someone asks if you’ve dyed your hair and you say no, its just clean.

god: welcome to heaven, bob. today we reunite you with your soulmate

bob: karen!

god: karen? your soulmate is a japanese farmer named oshi

Me: Time for bed
7: But can we watch Back to the Future?
Me: No
7: Empire Strikes Back?
Me: No
7: Karate Kid?
Me: I see what you’re doing and I respect it but the answer’s still no

Close the door.
You’re letting the wifi out.

Me: I’m really at the end of my rope

Executioner: HOW ARE YOU TALKING

My husband is trying to tell me shopping on Amazon isn’t a hobby.

Next thing I know he’ll be saying Twitter isn’t a hobby.

My retirement plan is to have an abdomen that can stop a cannonball

Didn’t realize my teen was annoyed with me until she ordered a Coke at lunch even though we’re a Pepsi family.

“I hope she got fat, I hope she got fat” – me looking up an ex girlfriend on Facebook.

Me: *puts six steaks on the grill*

Wife: Don’t you think that’s too much? It’s just us and the kids.

Me: Wait, you guys are eating, too?

[kitchen]
“Please pass the bee-nut butte-”
*wife glares*
“-the honey”

I talk a lot of shit for a guy who spent way too long trying to peel a few slices of ham from what turned out to be an unsliced ham “steak.”

Wife: HOW IS IT ONLY WEDNESDAY?!

Me: It’s Tuesday.

Wife: HOW IS IT ONLY TUESDAY?!

Is there a support group for parents whose children watched so much Bluey that it caused them to become Australian? Asking for a friend

Make it awkward today by asking people what they did for Valentine’s Day.

When they answer “dinner”, you should say “no…after that”.

Look, lady: Your boyfriend can either read Roman numerals or understand emojis, but you can’t have both.

My husband just asked me in the kindest voice if I wanted some water, and I said, “You know, I’d love some water?” And I turned around and he was carrying the dog’s water bowl to her….(Reader, he was not asking me if I wanted water.)

BREAKING: Polaroid photo taken. More on this story as it develops.

My son’s kindergarten teacher wanted to chat with me today because my son told his class that his mom died… and came back to life!

If you say married people aren’t having sex, you have obviously never sat in a hotel bar & watched them pick up strangers.

At soccer today my 5 yo realized one teammate was actually his friend from school. It’s been a month. This is everything you need to know about his attention to detail.