Ferrari squats
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Mortal Kombat Announcer: FINISH HIM
Scorpion: it helps if u choke me a little
Sometimes I’ll purposely spill gravy
on my pants to give me an excuse
to leave early.
The real trick is sneaking the gravy
into church.
My husband is BBQing outside in the dark, in the snow, wearing a headlamp.
Because Canadian.
Splinter: my sons i have good news and bad news
Leonardo: what’s the good news
Splinter: after 16 years of training you are ready to leave the sewers
Raphael: what’s the bad news
Splinter: your shells have grown too big to fit thru the manhole
*Inspirational Tweets*
I yearn for simpler times when everyone was losing their shit over the word moist
Don’t complain to me about gaining weight until you’ve outgrown a necklace.
With no training whatsoever, I took out myself and the other two people exiting the ski lift in one fell swoop.
Han: *approaches Endor in a shuttle*
Imperial officer: What’s the password?
Han: It’s “password.”
Vader: We should really change that.
A decepticon is a just a cheeky emoticon at the end of a message intended to excuse the sender and confuse the recipient.
Ex: Please die 😉
[bedroom]
Me: I’ve been bad, I need to be punished
Her: *turns tv volume to an odd number*
Me: no please I forgot the safe word
my dad once complained about “coming home from a long day at work and having to eat on a paper plate” so my mom served him dinner in a solo cup the next day and we all ate like we didn’t notice
I just want to be considered unstable enough to where nobody wants me involved in their pyramid scheme.
My friend just told me she’s sick and when I asked how she thinks she got it she told me it all started when she yelled at a bird who attacked her and I don’t know if I’m ready to dive into this
*Looks out the window to see it raining fire and brimstone* “Oh man my car windows are down!”
I’m not getting married till Pizza Hut allows gift registry.
My family using a Ouija board to summon my spirit: “Are you with us? Please, shows us you are here! Wait, it’s moving… o-m-g-w-h-a-t-d-o-y-o-u-w-a-n…”
[carnival]
me: I’d like an elephant!
face painter: on your cheek or…?
me: *unbuttoning pants* my wife is going to be so surprised
(At a restaurant) 11: What if I ordered a Jack Daniel’s at the bar?
Me: You’d finally go to bed on time.
vanessa carlton drove a piano one thousand miles to get to the one she loved and i can’t even get a text back.
I’m like Harvard. Hard to get into, but once you’re in, everyone is super impressed.
good morning to everyone except people who leave themselves enough time to eat breakfast
If Jesus was from Nazareth, why does he have a Mexican name?
NEWS ANCHOR: Here’s Gary with day 1 of his outdoor summer weather report.
GARY: [frying an egg on the sidewalk]
I quit. Back to you, John.
‘Siri, am I an alcoholic?’, I whisper into my burrito.
“Calzone” is just an Italian word to make you feel better about eating a Hot Pocket in public.
Promised myself that today I wouldn’t steal anything, kill anyone or use any Meatloaf song lyrics in a sentence & two out of three ain’t bad
Penguin 1: [staring sadly out of plane window]
Penguin 2: [supportively puts a flipper on his shoulder] there’s no shame in arriving at the annual bird convention by plane, Colin