Ferrari squats
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The pens at banks are attached to chains because they turn into werewolves during a full moon and it’s for the town’s protection.
WIFE: Where are the groceries?
ME: Bacon was on sale.
WIFE: Oh god, what does that mean?
*sound of dump truck backing into driveway*
Me: I’m dieting, so just coffee for me
Him: But you put ice cream in your coff-
Me: *glares*
Him: Nothing, you’re doing great.
I just walked into the garage barefoot and my husband said “will you please go put on shoes? For heaven’s sake, you sleep in those feet!” And I’m so confused.
My 4yo told me he had a dream that I had another baby and now I’m retracting my statement that I want all his dreams to come true.
1st date
She: I enjoy long walks on the beach.
Me: *nod knowingly* Because you want to lose weight.
*sees my husband cry as he holds our newborn son for the 1st time*
wtf did that baby just say to you?
Her: I want you to choke me daddy
Me: *throws whole grapes into her mouth
I just ordered a life alert bracelet, so if I ever get a life I will be notified immediately.
making bad rap music is committing crhymes.
Talking to Europeans about healthcare feels like when you’re a kid and your rich friend shows you his toys.
“Wow you got the ambulance ride AND hernia surgery?? Oh. No, no, not me. I got the Uber and off-brand ice pack. Yeah they said it’s basically as good as the real thing.”
Sister: “Family shot time”
Me: “Whooo Hoooo….drink drink drink drink!”
Sister: [holds up camera]
“I want to take a picture”Me: oh
If people on Twitter found a horses’ head in their bed at least 3/4 of them would get a selfie with it before calling the cops…..
BOUNCER: *checking ID* this doesn’t look like you
CATERPILLAR: *adjusts makeshift wings* its me
B: oh yeah? Fly then
C: uh *starts sweating*
Kinda bullshit that there wasn’t a giant, aggressive shrimp character in Finding Nemo named Genghis Prawn.
Why is it called “getting your car fixed” and not “autocorrect”
Currently accomplishing an astonishing amount of nothing, at a blistering rate.
Sometimes, when I’m doing dishes, I’ll just start flinging them towards the cabinets and get mad when it doesn’t work out like it does in cartoons.
[gestures to the parents of a crying baby] shhhh, please. my foot’s asleep
i ain’t victim blaming, but why tf would you tell a wolf where your grandmother lives
Got an annoying neighbour? Leave a note on their car: “Sorry about the damage, but I’ve patched it up so you probably can’t even see it.”
I would feel bad about teasing my brother about the cow scaring him but one dark night my dog chased an armadillo & the armadillo slammed into my front door while I was reading & tried to CLAW its way into my house & I screamed & it’s still known as “The Night Of The Armadillo”
My boss asked me why I only get sick on work days.
I said it must be my weekend immune system.
I always yell “FORE” when I’m throwing golf clubs out of my car at joggers.
(Outside at dusk)
Wife: Lovely evening.
Me (Covered in mosquitos): Glorious.
I may disagree with what you say, but I will defend to the death this little fort I made out of mashed potato with gravy as a moat and the carrots are cannons. Sorry, what were you saying?
Today I cleared cache and deleted cookies without making nom nom nom cookie monster noises. Because I’m a grown up.
Jk. SNACK TIME! NOM NOM NOM
“Yes officer, *rolling eyes* I know what a traffic light is I passed the captcha test on three tries.”
Me: Your cat looks pregnant
Friend: Impossible it’s an indoor cat
Me: What have you done
“omg you’re covered in blood! are you ok?”
[cut to me blending a tomato but I cant get the lid on properly]
you should see the other guy