Little does this young woman in the house behind mine who just closed the curtains know that it was the curtains I was looking at.
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Housetraining our dog which is why my participation in this morning’s Zoom meeting ended with, “Well, right now I’m working on upgrading myNOOOOOO NOO NO OUTSIDE OUTSIDE”
*distant Yogizilla noises getting louder*
Do yourself a favour: get a dog. Before I got a dog I was ridiculed for walking around with a bag of shit
“racially charged” makes it sound like y’all out here buying triple K batteries
Never play musical chairs against a person in a wheelchair. They will always beat you.
You know how dogs think, when you leave, that you’re never coming back? That’s how I feel when I leave the house for work every morning.
Every atom in your body is born in a star, traveled millions of light years, & through an amazing process became you. & you watch Teen Mom.
*whistles at dog*
DOG: I have a boyfriend
[opening the fridge to find no yummy snacks inside]
[me to the fridge] you had one job
What started out as me wanting to make homemade spaghetti sauce has turned into a spot-on recreation of one of Dexter’s kill rooms.
Inmate: here’s the rule: find the biggest, baddest dude in the yard and…
Me: (sigh) don’t fall in love…
if she doesn’t reciprocate ur first “i love u”, press ur finger to ur strategically placed bluetooth & say “oh cool u love me too? nice”
Me: I heard Rihanna got food poisoning
Brain: Stop
M: It was
B: No
M: Salmonella ella ella ey ey
B: This is why I can’t do math in your head
It’s really important to have things in common with your spouse, for instance my wife and I both despise my very existance.
Somebody keeps sending me flowers with all the heads cut off.
I think I’m being stalked…
Thought I was having the worst day a person could have and then heard the guy in the next stall whisper to himself, “Well, that can’t be good.”
Uh oh I opened a package of cookies without washing my hands first and for my family’s safety will have to eat the whole thing
Me (holding two sticks of butter): now where did i put that stick of butter? hmm i guess i didn’t get one out. hey kiddo could you grab a butter
My Son (also holding two sticks of butter): i just checked the fridge. we’re all out
What do geologists do on a day by day basis? I mean…haven’t we basically discovered all the rocks by now? I don’t get it.
“You’re a rather handsome woman” isn’t a great opener on Tinder apparently
Me: *sipping* well ain’t you a tall glass of vodka
Her: *blushing* aww thank you but the expression is “tall glass of water”
Me: oh hey, didn’t see you there
I’m not fat. I prefer to think of myself as difficult to abduct and hard to conceal.
Me: for my first wish I want 20 dollars
Genie: done. and your second?
Me: infinite money
Genie: no can do
Me: *slips him my first wish* how about now
Tree: Bark
Dog: {leaves}
AA Milne: Ok rabbit, we’ll call you Rabbit. Piglet, you can be Piglet
Bear: Wow, real original
AAM: [scribbles out Bear and writes Pooh]
Strawberry is a terrible name. “Ooh, a berry with all the flavor of a straw,” you’d think. But you’d be wrong
The CEO of IKEA has been elected the Prime Minister of Sweden…He’s currently assembling his cabinet.
Need to get rid of an annoying guest or person on the phone? Take a kazoo to the speaker and blow it directly into their ear.
You’re welcome.
Having kids has made me a better person, because I now have a constant example of how jerks behave.
If she didn’t reply to any of your 20 texts, she probably doesn’t have good cell service. Definitely don’t stop texting her