This seems like a really, really bad idea.
*jumps in with both feet*
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We’d like to sincerely apologize for booking the Karate Convention on the same day as the Rare Wooden Boards Fair
How did you spend your dinner break, Jamie? Just drawing a reverse centaur so everyone can see how horrible they are
Whenever a character in a book praises the cleverness of another character’s idea, it’s really just the author praising their own idea.
I don’t use commas in my tweets I am a rebel without a pause
me: I pour my blood, sweat, and tears into every dish
health inspector: so you see why this is happening
Dragged myself to the fridge because I promised myself I’d be productive tonight and god knows the ice cream isn’t gonna eat itself
You call it day drinking I call it very old grape juice in the morning
Geesh you avoid someone for 6 months and right away they assume you ghosted them.
Your Harvard education doesn’t make me respect you more – it makes me respect Harvard less.
They: ‘ Where are you from?’
Me: ‘I’m from 80s.’
wife: STOP, you’re turning into your father
me: well, he shouldn’t be standing in the driveway like that
Me: How many chicken nuggets do you want tonight?
7yo: 100
Me: As a guide, you usually have 4-6
7yo (thinking): 30
*uses Oujia board*
SMELLS LIKE UPDOG
me: what’s updog?
NOT MUCH, DOG, JUST ABOUT TO POSSESS YOUR CAT
me: what
cat: what
I took my 4-year-old to a children’s museum and they switched up the little grocery store. My 4-year-old was not happy. She turned into a 40-year-old woman shopping at her grocery store real quick, “why is everything different? I don’t like it!”
A remake of The Ring, except it’s Jeff Goldblum joyfully crawling out of your TV.
cop: know why I pulled you over?
fortune teller: well let’s just see (flips over tarot card that shows a skeleton in a car doing 45 in a 35) ah frick
Europe. Made in Germany.
Huge increase in Botox use raises eyebrows
February 27th, 2020.
I’m 44 years old, standing on the roof, in 40mph winds, of the largest supplier of calamari in the United States…fighting off psychotic seagulls with a broom.
Never give up on your dreams, kids.
Me: Who cares what astrological sign you are? Phhht, that stuff is so silly.
Also me: I’m logical and scientifically minded because I’m an INTJ…
I guess a good thing that would happen to me if the zombie apocalypse ever occurred is that I’d finally start running
[looks into a mirror]
Well. That can’t be right.
Hide all your naughty entertainment on VHS. Even if your kids find it, they will not know what to do with it.
My younger daughter has been in her bedroom looking at screens the last three years and I have forgotten her first name.
There needs to be some universal way to say “it smelled like that when I went in there” when exiting a bathroom. I’m tired of paying for other people’s crimes.
My girlfriend went to the dentist for a cavity. It’s odd since she spends so much time in the bathroom with her electric toothbrush.
Bananas in Pajamas was so popular. I can’t figure out why my spinoff, Swiss Chards in Unitards, failed
[first date at a karaoke bar]
Him: you said you had the voice of a siren
Me: I do! [grabbing the mic] Which would you prefer, ambulance or police?
[Restaurant]
Waiter: “Dogs aren’t allowed in restaurants.”
Me: “He’s my service dog.”
My dog: “I’m here to fix your refrigerator.”