ferris wheel technician: i think i see the problem.
me: oh good what is it.
ferris wheel technician: you put the wheel on sideways.
me: haha whoops.
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*He-Man at table read*
“By the power of Greyskull, I have the- hang on-
*pointing to script*
should it say ‘power’ again here?”
I have good news & bad news
“bad news 1st”
I died youre talking to a ghost
“OMG & the good news?”
I broke the world record for eating bees
The only appointment I’m ever on time for is disappointment.
I love secret agent movies. You can never tell they’re hiding in plain sight because they are wearing all black and talking to themselves
I met a guy who wanted to work on some songs with me. I went to his house and he asked me if I wanted some whiskey. I said sure and he handed me a whole bottle and grabbed a bottle for himself. We never got to those songs but we did get arrested.
Me: Have a taste of your own medicine
*I force the pills the Dr. prescribed for me down his throat*
Me: WHO HAS ERECTILE DYSFUNCTION NOW?!
Genie: You can’t have unlimited wishes.
Me: I wish for unlimited genies.
Genie: Son of a
I’m calling Facebook “Mom” now because all it does is tell me who from my high school is engaged and remind me about my cousins’ birthdays.
I hate celery. 🤮🥴
Someone hugged me at the office Christmas party and now they know my safe word.
BREAKING NEWS: Rihanna won’t be attending this year’s #MetGala after a back injury sustained from carrying the entire weight of the event for years.
The sacred dance of avoiding eye contact with people you know in the grocery store.
VOICEMAIL: I’m sorry I can’t come to the phone right now, my toddler typed the wrong password 200 times so I can’t try again until next year
I got drunk and went to an AAA meeting. It didn’t help. There were just a bunch of sober people talking about roadside maintenance.
Cat stuck in a tree? Have you tried placing a computer keyboard at the bottom?
My eldest child was born 5 years after we got married and yet she’s mad at us for not inviting her to the wedding. We will be focusing on math lessons this week
I bet the first guy to pee on someone’s jellyfish sting was NOT trying to help them.
My phone battery dies faster than a black guy in a horror movie.
took a DNA test and found out all my ancestors were also tired
My wife just yelled at me for not warning her that I was about to sneeze if any of you are thinking of getting into a relationship.
[first day as tour guide in New York]
Me: that’s the Statue of Liberty
Guy: what is she clutching
Me [awkward long pause]: all the liberty
Playing “bad guy” with my daughter and she puts me in jail because “your tummy big”.
I guess loving a good burger makes me a criminal.
It’s okay bowel syndrome, I am irritable too.
If Trump wins I’m moving to my last Sim City 2000 save file.
God: I shall call this a tiger
Me: *scratching ‘angry fire zebra’ off my sheet* yeah cool whatever
(My cat, about to barf) MUST…MAKE IT…TO…CARPET
My therapist: and what do we say when we’re sad
Me: add to cart
My therapist: no
Salad is the decaf of food.