Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

6 month checkup…

Doctor: You don’t look so good. Do you smoke or drink alcohol?
Me: I drink it.

I want to learn scuba diving but I’m terrified of the orchestral music in underwater documentaries.

Who wants to hear about my Wordle streak? Anyone? Hey, where ya guys going?

Looking forward to Keanu Reeves making improvements to his home in the upcoming

Matrix: Renovations

I wish I had the same faith in myself as people who leave me voicemails do

There are people that make their bed every morning and people who think it’s a waste of time and then they marry each other.

Coworker: can I tell you something but don’t tell anyone else?
Me: I already forgot the question.

My neighbor is mowing his lawn.

There is snow on the ground.

[locks doors]

Interviewer: what qualifies you as a horticulturist?

Me: I have something growing on everything in my fridge.

Did you know that the sound of fallen leaves scattering across the pavement in the wind sounds just like someone running up behind you in the dark?

Did you also know I can run 83 mph?

I’m still awake because my brain can’t locate my sleep file, babe

*neil degrasse tyson scoffing at his keyboard*

this bar is not in space

9, playing an iPad game: Weird… I accidentally did something and my character became fat.

Me: Same.

Twitter went from everyone pushing each other on mood swings to pushing each other off cliffs really fast.

Someone used my email address for their discord account so I logged into their account and deleted it lol.

Love means never having to say you’re sorry for accidentally bringing home six more cats.

Me: I haven’t been able to keep the house clean for 10 years

My 10 year old: Hey that’s how old I am

Me: What a coincidence

Friend: *opening his front door* Oh, it’s you. But the dinner party is tomorrow

Me: It’s ok. I’ll wait

Why did I schedule my dental cleaning first thing on a Monday morning? I hate who I was 6 months ago.

The year is 2025. The few survivors of the great plague of 2020 roam the irradiated wastelands of the planet, singing Happy Birthday to themselves constantly. Nobody really remembers why.

I miss Taco Bell so much that tonight I drank a bottle of gorilla laxative.

I’ve been reading your Oscar tweets, and America should not vote on things as a general rule going forward.

Me reminding my kid of all the fun things we did this summer so when he’s asked on the first day of school he doesn’t say “Uhhhh nothing?”

my cornflakes bring all the boys to my yard
& theyre like
this cereals hard
damn right
my cereals hard
u should add milk
so its not so sharp

Hunter: We hunt the most dangerous game- man

Me: But statistically the most dangerous is-

Mosquito on the wall: *violently shushing me*

OMG, I can’t believe all the people who are out despite the stay at home orders.

…Says the person who’s out despite the stay at home orders.

There’s no such thing as a five second rule if you’re putting it on someone else’s plate.

Me: I’m going for a walk

Wife: Huh! I thought you were going to make fried rice?

Me: Yes, but you said to cook that right, I’ll need to use a walk

[spelling bee]
Your word is “spider”
Can you use it in a sentence?
“A spider has eight eyes.”
[kid smiles]
Spider. S-P-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-D-E-R

[posing nude]
ME: make sure to capture all of my body’s contours
DMV GUY: again, this is entirely inappropriate for a license photo