Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: it’s hot enough to fry an egg on the concrete

Public Health Inspector: temperature is not really the issue here

THIS IS NOT A FINANCE ACCOUNT. I DO NOT HAVE ANY TRADING ADVICE.

HEDGES-STOCKS IS MY SURNAME.

Age ceases to be just a number everytime the airline announces seating queue priority

[God creating penguins]

I want a bird that doesn’t fly but loves to swim, and make sure you dress it classy AF.

When a woman has her husband’s last name, my first assumption is that they got married in their 20s. I feel like by your 30s, you’ve absolutely maxed out on paperwork.

Is athlete’s foot [gulp] fatal, doc?

“Not with the proper treatment.”

*gives foot $56M 7-year contract*

3yo hit her big sister then asked if I was calling the police. she wasn’t scared she was testing to see if I’d snitch

Life begins and ends with diaper rash, so enjoy the time in between.

Received a resume today that listed gap explanations which included such hits as “skydiving accident”, “temporary blindness” and finally my personal favorite “cartwheel incident”

I just cleaned the birdbath and now there’s a line for it.

more water

“I’m 59 but have a biological age of 21” sorry if you are 59 your biological age is 59 because you are 59 years old

If I leave out a comma it’s because I don’t want you to breathe.

I was feeling depressed, then saw a guy with one arm and thought “oh man, I could be getting so much more sympathy if I was missing an arm!”

[my 1st day as spelling bee host]
your word is policy
“can you use it in a sentence”
um i think hes an undercover cop, he looks a bit policy

Let’s get married and have kids so instead of doing fun stuff on the weekend we can go to a kid’s birthday party where everyone coughs.

I just sent a screen shot of my drunken tweets to my friends & they are still asking if I can come pick them up

I’m not saying I know how to solve all the world’s problems.
I’m just saying we should give women pants with pockets and see what happens.

[Sesame Street casting]

Director: We need role models for the kids

“There’s a grouch and a cookie addict”

Director: Anything else?

“Two jobless roommates”

Director: First of all I love it

As an exorcist, whenever I hear of some new poor soul possessed by a demon, all I can think is Ka-Ching!

take that, baby!!! he knows what he did.

Denial: No-one can stop me getting pictures of Spider-Man
Anger: You’re fired if you don’t get me pictures of Spider-Man
Bargaining: $100 for pictures of Spider-Man
Depression: Why can’t I get pictures of Spider-Man?
Acceptance: There are no pictures of Spider-Man

This year for Halloween I’m putting my kids in a giant bowl on the front step with a sign that says Please Take One.

I used to wrap all of my teen brother’s Christmas gifts in Victoria’s Secret boxes, which was a great conversation starter when he had friends over.

[Being Tortured]

Thug: *lights blowtorch* you know what this is for?

Me: Is it… Is it for creme brulee

Thug: *making creme brulee* I heard you were lactose intolerant

Hey rappers, if you have to keep reintroducing yourself then you’re not a very good rapper.

[getting out of prison after 10 years]
GUARD: *handing me a paper bag* here are ur things
ME: did none of u monsters feed my tamagotchi

[first date]
Her: I like my steak rare
Him: *trying to impress* I’ll order for both of us. 2 panda fillets please.

I wouldn’t wish death on an enemy but I would wish being accidentally hit in the back of the ankle with a grocery cart.

I hope the world needs to be saved from the apocalypse with video game skills so my teen’s entire life won’t have been a complete waste.