Fertility group: We need some brochures about some really serious topics.
Graphic designer who is a birder on the weekend: You got it, chief.
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Son: why is my sisters name rose?
Dad: because your mother loves roses
Son: what about me?
Dad: it’s a long story, Bush’s Country Style Baked Beans
They’re not all brilliant, but they’re all mine. Meaning my tweets, and maybe my kids, whatever.
It’s been a good 12 months for dogs
Cat: Human, congratulations, I’ve chosen your face to sleep upon tonight. If at some point you cannot breathe, do not wake me.
i like elevator conversations because i know there’s a time limit
*first date*
Her: I’m a bit of a night owl
Me: Surely as most owls are nocturnal then it’s just an owl
H: Well, aren’t you a hoot
MOM LEAF: omg you changed color
KID LEAF: yeah everyone’s doing it
MOM LEAF: oh so if all the other leaves fell off the tree would you do it too
Dyslexic Superbowl watchers were probably disappointed when they saw football instead of a superb owl.
You don’t need to buy an expensive exercise machine. Just do what I did and get a bean bag chair.
Surprised my wife with French fries. She didn’t ask for it, the bag just fell on her when she opened the fridge.
Just broke a clothes hanger and now have seven years of bad outfits.
[standing next to the boss at the urinal]
Ok, don’t act weird.“That’s some impressive bladder volume, sir.”
I’m crying and wearing a falcon glove so I get sympathy sex from people who think my falcon flew away.
My friend just broke up with her man. I really helped her through the break up by letting her know he’s no good in bed anyway.
The ultimate power move is signing emails “kind regards” because it implies there are kinder regards but they didn’t deserve them
I’m looking for a new telekinesis class. My old one moved unexpectedly
Ok… (slowly closes laptop and hurls it into the sea)
Mortal Kombat was inspired by parents who co-sleep with their children
Me: How are you doing? Is our date starting to feel a bit awkward?
Her: Yeah, a little…
Me: I was talking to my mom!
Mom: No, I’m fine.
I meant to type “I look forward to seeing you soon.” Unfortunately, one of our biggest clients is going to receive an email that ends with “I look forward to seeing you poop.”
If you watch The Wizard Of Oz backwards it’s about a girl who escapes a lying oppressor and her subsequent journey to colour blindness.
Husband: so you know it’s ok to admit that you’re wrong sometimes.
Me: I’m not saying I’m wrong but I could have been more right.
Dates are weird like ok I guess I’ll dress up for my romantic interview
You never know how strong you are…until your power steering goes out.
The reason I can’t bake is the excessive effort to take out and put back all the pots and pans stored inside the oven
[classified ads]
CHEAP BOAT: USED ONLY ONCE! CALL 1-800-TITANIC FOR DETAILS
Me: don’t you love it when you find $20 in a jacket pocket?
Guy [wearing a jacket that used to have $20 in it]: *distant yelling* hey get back here
A woman just asked me to “unpark her car” and now I’m searching urban dictionary to see what I really just agreed to do
I wipe my counters with raw chicken breasts because I refuse to have weak children.
You never know how strong you are until someone’s story runs more than 5 minutes long